Receiving money for underperformance

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2 minute read

A man with a pencil moustache approaches King Cricket.

Man: Hellooooo.
KC: Er, hello?
Man: How are you doing this fine day?
KC: I’m fine. Sorry, do I know you?
Man: No, you don’t know me. But perhaps you should.

The man raises an eyebrow and looks King Cricket up and down.

Man: I’m a terribly big fan of your work, you know.
KC: Oh yes.
Man: It’s a fantastic website. So irreverent. So droll. So recherché.
KC: You’re weird.
Man: I was wondering if perhaps you might like me to represent you, as your agent?
KC: Er, I don’t know.
Man: It would be very worth your while. I will be able to get you what you… deserve…
KC: Well, I’m always up for more work, if that’s what you mean.
Man: Excellent. I took the liberty of having the paperwork signed on your behalf already so there’s no need to worry about that.
KC: Oh, er, okay. Can you do that? Is that the way it’s supposed to work?
Man: Yeeeesss.

The man turns to leave.

KC: But I don’t even know your name.
Man: My name is not important.

A few days later, there is a knock at KC’s door. It is the man again.

Man: Hellooooo.
KC: Er, hello.
Man: I am delighted to say that I have some work for you.
KC: Really? That’s great. Where is it?
Man: It’s not so much a question of where… as what…
KC: What?
Man: Yeeeeesss.
KC: No, I mean what are you talking about?

The man twirls his moustache between thumb and forefinger.

Man: Are you willing to… do things?
KC: Er, maybe. What kind of things?
Man: Are you willing to write on certain topics that you might not ordinarily write about?
KC: Yeah, I should think so. I’m pretty open to new stuff.
Man: Goooood. And would you be willing to write in a certain style?
KC: Well, yeah, I like to think I’m pretty adaptable. What kind of thing specifically?
Man: Would you be willing to deliberately misplace an apostrophe in one of your articles?
KC: Get out.
Man: No-one would notice. It would be-
KC: Get out.
Man: But-
KC: Get out.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. I’d like to believe that split infinitive was an oversight, but it’s so hard to be sure of anything any more.

  2. A “meuf” is a woman – the French invert the first and second syllables of words to seem cool: “femme” becomes “mmefe”, which written phonectically becomes “meuf”…

  3. Its all right for you, KC, you werent approached until you were old enough and wise enough to see the danger’s.

    I was a mere teenager when I started writing – you know – youth club’s, student newspaper’s, that sort of thing. Thats when the evil syndicate got it’s claws into me.

    Now I can only look back and wish I hadnt been dragged into they’re clutch’s……….

  4. Thanks for ending the article with the words “Get out” as planned, KC. Cheque’s on the way.

  5. King Cricket in shock “fielding ringer” probe!

    KC here:

    Since when have we been the person people come to when they want cheering up?

    KC at the Wisden Cricketer:

    Take the positives out of this one.

    Rumours of first person singular voice abuse also abound. Integrity of cricket blogging at stake. Queen reportedly “deeply saddened.”

  6. But “when have we been the people people” just sounds wrong. Advise please Queen and tell us the days of the apostrophe are not about to follow the do’do’

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