A bit of advice for Joe Root

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Photo by Sarah Ansell
Photo by Sarah Ansell

If there’s one thing the England captain generally lacks, it’s advice from random members of the public. Fortunately for Joe Root, we are prepared to step in and fill that void.

It’s a little-known fact that our critically-acclaimed Club Captain’s Handbook for All Out Cricket was originally penned as a guide to being England captain. Tweak the headline and standfirst and replace the phrase ‘everyone at the club’ halfway down the page with ‘England fans’ and that’s it – job done. You can now see the piece as it was originally envisaged.

If you’re Joe Root, pay close attention to our words. Feel the anxiety well up in you as the scope of what you must now master dawns on you.

Everyone else, settle down with your halloumi and tomato Staffordshire oatcakes (which were inspired by last week’s café barmcake) and enjoy our wisdom free from the pressures of having to captain England yourself.

18 comments

  1. If Cook’s time in office was like Hector’s House will Root’s takeover be more like Roobarb and Custard?

  2. I would say that having a genuinely rubbish team is also OK, because then when you score that remarkable victory you can take the credit for leading this rag-tag bunch of no-hopers. It’s those teams that are just kind of OK that are the real problem.

    1. Indeed, my approach to captaincy was almost always to lead a team of no-hopers, which explains my rather dismal win/lose record.

      On just one occasion I inadvertently captained a surprisingly good side with predictably hilarious results. The event got a rather lengthy write up at the time, and/but is probably the tale in which Charley “The Gent” Malloy got his nickname:

      http://ianlouisharris.com/2006/07/30/tufty-stackpole-v-the-childrens-society-north-crawley-cc-match-report-30-july-2006/

  3. In my dream last night, recently becaptained Joe Root was being altogether too smart in his new role. The batsman offered up a dolly of a caught-and-bowled chance, but Root dropped it because he tried to catch it with his eyes shut. Imagine that! He had his eyes shut, the cocky bugger!

    Surely that should be on any new captain’s list. Don’t assume that being appointed captain means you don’t have to use your eyes when catching, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES you idiot. God that made me so angry.

      1. It is a bit confusing, I must admit, but one thing is clear. Root will score well for seven years, but will then have seven runless years. Also, Alastair Cook’s cows will become a) scrawny and thin, and b) carnivorous.

        So the ECB must immediately requisition the gasometers at the Oval to store Root’s surplus runs, else there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. And are they doing anything? No, of course they’re not.

    1. Encouragingly, though, Root seems unafraid to bowl himself in this dream, Bert. Perhaps this means he might also be inclined to bring on another occasional purveyor of military, round-arm shod?

      1. Indeed I am. With Vince and Ballance seemingly out of the side for the indefinite future, it’s all looking a bit devoid of such humble/humbling filth. What sort of prospect is Keaton Jennings, 14 first-class wickets at 34.78 with RMF?

      2. Five wicketless overs for 20 in the fifth test – conditions hardly suited to RMF dobbery. Unfair to judge ability, or indeed shodiness, on this effort I feel.

      3. Surely most batsmen who bowl a bit of round-arm shod only get to demonstrate it on the flattest of pitches when the oppo are 973-2.

        Cook managed to get a wicket on the Great Trent Bridge Road of 2014.

        So in summary: Ditch Jennings.

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