England’s one-day victory template

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A hundred from Alastair Cook, a fifty from Ravi Bopara and four wickets for Steven Finn. As templates go, it’s quite specific.

It’ll never last. Templates get worn out. Give us a bottle of Tab Clear, some prawn crackers and a copy of Sensible Soccer and we would NOT have the perfect evening any more. Those days are long gone. We would need an entirely different beverage, an entirely different salty Chinese food and an entirely different computer game.

It’s also a weird sort of template that seems to rely on Kevin Pietersen dead-batting his way through the first few overs. Watching KP bat these days makes us feel sad and old. In many ways, watching cricket is about embracing the fact that you’re sad and old, but this is different – this is the bad kind of sad and old.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Gin, Dung-chick chin-fry*, and a porno.

    * Available in hot, extra-hot, and thereisananeurisminmyanus flavors.

  2. I know what you mean about KP. I desperately want him to be great again. I know he’s an arse. I know he is the major reason that people are snide about South Africans in the team. And did I mention he is an arse?

    But he was glorious in his day. Not the last year or two when he has just score a couple of double hundreds, but THEN. He played proper cricket shots eyewateringly well and did special stuff which nobody else did.

    I get so cross when people talk about dropping him. He’s KP. I feel almost betrayed when he fails.

  3. it’s like there’s an experiment going on to see just how bad he can get before they drop him. but i don’t think they will ever do it. he’s immune because he’s “a character”.

  4. What were all those awards for post-match? I was half-expecting some people to be pulled from the crowd to get some.

  5. What do you mean an evening with sensible soccer wouldn’t be the perfect evening?? Regardless of the catering options

  6. Watching Botham when he was on the slide made everyone feel old and sad. Yet everyone still wanted him in the team, if only to see him do that one-armed windmill thing with the bat as he was walking out to the crease. KP doesn’t have a little tic like that that defines him yet, and he needs to develop one quick if he’s to retain his place in the side. Either that or grow a dodgy peroxide mullet.

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