How to captain an international cricket team

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In light of the Conjoined Lord Megachiefs of Gold both being captains of their respective nations, here’s a thing about captaincy which we’d actually forgotten we’d written.

For international captaincy, we’d also add another piece of advice to that article: Do exactly what Shane Warne says (but be innovative).

Doing what Warne says just makes life easier for everyone. Get some sort of headset and when he’s commentating, obey his every word.

Most of what he says won’t work of course, because it’ll be ridiculous. The thing is, if you take different decisions, he’ll spend at least an hour on commentary and several newspaper columns talking about how his ideas definitely would have worked, safe in the knowledge that this can never be proven, so don’t give him a chance to do this.

Be ‘funky’ as well. Don’t persevere with logical tactics, giving them a chance to pay off. Most commentators hate that because it gives them nothing to talk about. They like changes and they like coming up with ingenious (and completely incorrect) explanations as to why you might have opted for an 8-1 legside field.

So put a fielder somewhere stupid – it doesn’t really matter where. This will give them something to talk about and they’ll love you for it. Plus do all that other stuff we’ve listed over at All Out Cricket.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. An excellent start to 2015, continuing the excellent work of 2014. That’s assuming that this is a 2015 article, or course. I’ve shut the link now and I properly can’t be bothered to reopen it and check. If it was from last year, an excellent end to 2014 – here’s hoping 2015 will be just as excellent.

    By the way, is that you again? I can’t quite tell, but I can certainly tell that it isn’t definitely not you.

  2. Surely the greatest trick to being a captain is to be so obviously the only candidate that nobody could possibly try to usurp you as that way lies insanity (and being dropped). This is known as the Steve Waugh method.

    The alternative is to be in a team where everyone is jockeying for your position and there is so much turmoil lower down the ladder that no one has either the time or the energy to make an actual play for your job. This is known as going the full Alastair.

  3. Hmm, there doesn’t seem to be any mention of what sort of family you should be from to captain. I was under the impression that this was of vital importance, but without proper guidance how do I know which sort of family I should be trying to get into?

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