Joe Root’s back

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Joe Root having all of the Ashes runs in big numbers

Not as in ‘returned’ because he hasn’t been away. We’re more worried that he might have ankylosing spondylitis.

If Alastair Cook doesn’t get the runs, Joe Root will, and if Joe Root doesn’t get them, then England fans better hope that the team can cobble together a good number of 20s and 30s from all of their all-rounders, wicketkeepers and other batsmen, because you can’t really see anyone else making a big score.

The team’s batting seems about as well-balanced as a pissed-up baby giraffe trying to moonwalk across a tightrope these days. Cook and Root are the run-scorers and England can’t afford to lose either one.

Mike Atherton, who knows a thing or two about the subject, says Root’s back-knack is brought on by squatting down more when facing the spinners. If you’re going to make runs in the UAE – and Root seems keen to do so – there’ll be plenty of that.

More pilates, Joe! We need you.


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  1. PS. I thought it was Stokes who had got the runs this week. I thank you, I’m here all week etc.

  2. As chairman of the Scientific Committee for the Insistence on Accuracy in Metaphors, I trust you have done the required fieldwork for your giraffe-based analogy. I wouldn’t like to think that you were just guessing the level of lateral stability of a retroambulatory funambulist camelopard juvenile on the pop.

    1. Yeh, KC, answer that question.

      Yes, I am thankful that my cricketer spotted is all over Cricket Badger today, but still I ask again for you to answer the question.

      Just answer it.

      What does the question mean exactly, Bert?

    2. I would have thought that the chairman of the Scientific Committee for the Insistence on Accuracy in Metaphors would spot a simile when he sees one

    3. The full research paper, to be published next month, features the precise methodology, including the number of bottles of WKD Grand Cru consumed by the study volunteers.

      WKD Grand Cru is a premium alcopop that is also not yet available to the public, in case you’re wondering.

      1. Will the same alcopop make me forget the vast grotesqueness that is this new site, and make me see it in a new light? If so, I need you to send me a case immediately as it is not available near the Sardar Vallabhai Patel stadium which is where I live. Not in the stadium, mind you, near it.

        PS: On reflection, don’t. This is a dry state. Yep, that’s true.

      2. We worry that you’d drown in a stepwell if we sent some over.

        More seriously, do you really hate the new site design? What’s the major objection and what technology are you using to view it? We can’t please everyone, but there’s maybe a one per cent chance that there’s an easy tweak we could make.

      3. That’s some fine reference to local architecture – kudos!

        Don’t mind me – I believe anything new is to be resisted and that change should be unacceptable to anybody, particularly when it comes with the promise of making things better. To tell you the truth, I don’t mind this new design at all though I prefer the old one. You will not see me grumbling anymore.

      4. The Adalaj stepwell is one of the most striking things we’ve ever seen. We’re always amazed it isn’t more famous.

  3. “Other batsmen”…

    Moe – All-rounder.
    Bell – Batsman (nominally)).
    Bairstow – W-K.
    Stokes – All-rounder.
    Buttler – W-K.
    Then we have three more all-rounders of varying degrees of allness and roundness, and Jimmy.

    We’re into “other batsmAn” territory here. And if you can’t be needlessly pedantic here, where can you be needlessly pedantic?

    1. It was a general ‘these days’ observation and so we left open the possibility that James Taylor might get a game.

  4. Oh dear.

    Still, Daisy and I are off to a wedding shortly…

    …and as Daisy just put it, “at least we’re not going to be missing much”…

    …by which, I think she means, much in the way of England heroics.

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