Matthew Hayden resorts to acupuncture

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'Hulk smaaash'Hayden’s gone down the ‘being prodded’ route in trying to recover from his hamstring injury.

That’s what we’ll tell the police when they find us crouched in his garden, jabbing at a doll of his likeness with a needle: we’re aiding his recovery.

While we were on holiday, the only cricket dream we had was one where Matthew Hayden was really upset because we’d said that he personified all that was wrong with modern cricket.

We felt really bad about it and tried to weasel our way out of it by saying that it wasn’t him, it was merely that he highlighted others’ shortcomings very effectively.

It is him though.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. You big jessie!

    Stand by your laurels, or Hayden will walk all over you (literally).. And noone wants to see that.

    If I had a dream about Matthew Hayden, one that I could control, I’d be cutting his limbs off, with one of his own cooking knives, and adding it to one of his stupid fathead recipes.

    As I never seem to be able to control my dreams, it’d probably happen the other way round, and I’d be cooking like a good un.

    Bastard fathead, winning in our dreams too.

  2. Suave, lets be honest, you’ve had at least one dream where you and Hayden are naked, their are oils, amyl nitrate and Antony and the Jonhsons are playing in the background. This is where your hatred stems from, hayden sex dreams.

  3. We’ve never known three comments evoke such a wide range of emotions in us in such a short span.

  4. Uncle J, it was actually the Scissor Sisters, but you’re right, you mind reading aussie bastard!

    Do you get taught how to do that at school, cos Matthew Hayden is constantly doing this to me too…

  5. No! This is no place for a secret Hayden fan! but I really can’t remember now what particular train of thought led me to google him.

  6. Maybe you were possessed by the spirit of Hayden?

    KC, I think your voodoo’s gone a bit awry — did you sacrifice the right kind of chicken?

  7. Fear not, Mahinda. All is going to plan.

    There’s a word you don’t normally associate with this website – ‘plan’.

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