Monty’s unacceptable urination

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< 1 minute read

You may remember our cat, Monty. Here he is being conspicuously indifferent to cricket a few years back. He’s actually sitting on the cricket pages, the heathen.

Monty cannot read with his arse

What you might not know about Monty is that he likes to piss on things. On one memorable occasion, he walked into the living room, caught our eye and urinated on the DVD player, holding our gaze as he did so. Unsurprisingly, Monty has been kicked out more than once for his urinary transgressions.

His namesake, Mr Panesar, does things rather differently. He gets kicked out first before turning to urination as a means of protest. Apparently, after being slat out of a Brighton nightclub on Sunday night, Panesar went up on the promenade and micturated down on the bouncers of said establishment as they stood below him.

Presumably he was marking his territory in some way. We’ve examined that notion further over at Cricinfo.


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  1. A few years ago?

    I was under the impression that there is “too much cricket” on at the moment for silly things like pictures of cats and match reports and bats in unusual places.

    Why has this not previously seen the light of day?

    It has cheered me up, though. Who were the weakened county champions that captain Cook was lording it over?

    1. Some kind of joke involving a commentator describing Monty having a slash at a bouncer is not quite coming together at the moment.

  2. It’s no mean feat this. First you need to get your line and length correct. Which means adjusting your bladder pressure precisely so you hit in line with the bouncer. Next you have to adjust for the wind speed and direction. This means choosing the proper angle to pee from. If you don’t think this requires calculation, try doing it in an inebriated state. Also, you only have so much pee so you have to use the volume effectively. This experience would teach you the value of using your reviews properly.

    If this doesn’t earn him an Ashes call-up, I don’t know what will.

    1. These read like the words of a man with inordinate amounts of experience in his subject.

      It hadn’t occurred to me before, but this is also all about getting your balls in the right areas.

      Isn’t there a scene a little reminiscent of the Monty Club Pee incident in the film Quadrophenia? If not, there should be.

    2. I am imagining Prior and Trott standing below shouting “Good areas, Monty, great areas pal.”

  3. Monty was merely following in the great tradition England slow left arm bowlers originating from Yorkshire’s Bobby Peel who appearing on the ground one day somewhat worse for wear actually urinated on the pitch,whence he was escorted gently away by Lord Hawke never to play again.

  4. “…the 31-year-old had been partying at the Shooshh club on Brighton’s beachfront, which was hosting a Gay Pride event. However, when a group of women complained he was hassling them, the spin bowler was asked to leave. He proceeded to the promenade above the club and relieved himself on the bouncers who chased after him until he was cornered in a nearby pizza parlour, where he was heard shouting “Help! Help!” Securing him in an arm-lock, they hauled him back to the club and called police…”

    Andrew Symonds – Yes
    Ian Botham – Yes
    David Boon – Yes
    WG Grace – Most likely

    Monty Panesar – No no no no no no

    This has seriously disturbed my overly specific worldview, in which everyone acts precisely in accordance with my not-at-all-fact-based opinion of their personality. To be honest, it starts to go wrong with “…had been partying…” and only gets worse from there.

    1. This has seriously disturbed my overly specific worldview

      Exactly. There is no aspect of this story that I’m able to comprehend, so I reject it. I discard it, in fact. This is not a thing that the Monty Panesar I know* did. It was clearly Ian Bell in a patka.

      Glad to hear Monty-the-cat is still around, though. Last I remember hearing of him he was alleged to have “left to seek his fortune”, and I assumed the worst.

      *read: “have made up”.

    2. This new bit of information raises the possibility that he may have been hitting on lesbians. He wouldn’t be that stupid – would he? Would he?

  5. This whole business is so unusual and evocative, I think it merits at least two verbs, an active and a passive.

    to monty – to piss on someone or something from a great height. Example: “he went to the very top landing and montyed down the stairwell”.

    to be panesared – to be pissed upon from a great height. Example: “my partner called yes, I ran two thirds of the way down the track, then realised that he had changed his mind and had remained in his crease. I was run out by a country mile. As I trudged off, I felt well and truly panesared.”

  6. I confess that when I first came across the headline “Panesar urinated on bouncers”, the first question in my mind was “Who was bowling?”. As I read (and re-read) the story, it just seemed to good to be true. I began to wonder what sort of lines Monty was using to hassle the women, pondered what went through his head as he climbed the balcony and took aim, and then pictured him slipping into the pizza parlour, (probably disguised in a Monty Panesar mask) thinking “at last I am safe, for everyone knows that pizza parlours count as places of sanctuary”, only to find out that the bouncers were heathens who do not abide by the pizza code. So much to admire in this tale.

  7. You know it’s been a good night when the first thing you think of to get back at some bouncers is to go piss on them.

    1. Thanks!

      Never really sure how to respond to praise. We’ve gone for short and blunt here, but added an exclamation mark to imply an emotional response. Bit worried that our natural demeanour makes this appear sarcastic, but rest assured it isn’t intended that way.

    2. Yep, top article. Very funny.

      If I can make one small criticism, it is that in our part of the world (i.e. the North West of England), a moggy is a mouse. A cat is a moggy-catcher. Thanks for understanding.

    3. Crackerjack is a word that should only be used by 1970s children’s TV presenters and Mark Nicholas.

      Please cease.

  8. By the way, always pleased to see an animal being conspicuously indifferent to cricket, especially when it is a cat, and even more so when it is KC’s own Monty.

  9. The reporting of this in the Telegraph of India was fantastic. India is too conservative a country to be explicit about what happened. They simply stated that he had taken part in some ‘inappropriate behaviour’.

    Instead there were numerous references to his ‘excellent line and length’, a suggestion that at the nightclub he had ‘repeated the Sprinkler’ and his poor fielding meaning that you ‘rarely see Monty taking a slash in the covers’.

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