Oxford UCCE v Nottinghamshire match report

Posted by
< 1 minute read

Mel writes:

I arrived at the home of the Oxford University Cricket Club with a sore shoulder and a light wallet. The former was due to packing a heavy bag to cover all weather eventualities (although in hindsight the mosquito repellent was a tad unnecessary). The latter was due to forking out £12 to park in Oxford city centre for five hours.

A large number of spectators failed to materialise (as did the players – the weather was not good), and I found that upon arrival I comprised precisely 50% of the crowd. My fellow specator was a dead ringer for Germaine Greer, which was unfortunate as he was a man.

I struck up a conversation, only to discover that Germaine had once been the Dutch national team’s wicket-keeper, and so I was kept amused for a considerable time whilst he tried to teach me the correct pronunciation of Ryan Ten Doeschate.

We companionably ate our sandwiches (mine from M&S, his provided by Rugby Travelodge where he had spent the previous night). Coincidentally, we had both also brought along a piece of fruit (he a pear, me an apple). Conversation had moved on to Ruud Gullitt, Johan Cruyff and the Dutch Resistance movement during World War II as the clouds cleared, and I prayed that play would begin before I ran out of Dutch-related conversation.

He must have sensed that I was on the verge of bursting into “Tulips from Amsterdam” and announced that he was bursting in an entirely different manner and went in search of the toilet. I was quite relieved myself, as I only had Denise van Outen left up my sleeve.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. If it’s proper pronunciation of Ryan Ten Doeschate you need, then look no further.

    Down at the county ground, Chelmsford, Essex, The England, The world, it’s pronounced as…

    Ryaaan Ten de scart eeee.

    If it’s a proper dutch one you require, then although of dutch/irish stock, I am unable to help, and you’d be better listening to that wanky wicky.

  2. That’s just Act One I surmise … do hope you had an artistic pm and got to discuss the Dutch Old Masters and the place of Edam in the history of cheese

  3. I would be grateful for all your suggestions in case I meet him again – I did google ‘dykes’ but didn’t fancy putting my finger in any of the results.

  4. Don’t listen to Suave. You’ll only offend Germaine talking about stuff like that. You need to talk about what he’s really interested in.

    Google ‘clogs’ and then ‘windmills’.

  5. You could talk about the recent decisions to ban magic mushrooms. No girls on show in the red light districts, no magic mushrooms, no smoking in public places, Amsterdam is going to be a very dull place to go!

    Also, google “The dutch, are they all sexual deviants?”

  6. I was once told by a Dutch “Ryan” that the name is actually an anglicanisation of what I can only describe as sounding like “Queer Jan”.

  7. Mel, what a lovely report. And kudos for striking up a conversation – I would have sat at the opposite end of the ground, with a newspaper, sunglasses, hat and ipod. And I still manage to complain that nobody will approach me and say hello at the cricket.

    I assume Anne Frank was somehow wrapped up in the Dutch Resistance part of your discussion with Germaine.

  8. Thank you all so much for your wonderful suggestions. I have written them all down on the inside cover of my Cricketer’s Who’s Who and look forward to the opportunity of impressing any other Dutch spectators (or indeed Germaine Greer lookalikes) I may meet at future games. Hopefully I will never have Denise van Outen on the tip of my tongue ever again.

Comments are closed.