Rob Key today doled out a punishing barrage of punishment. New Zealand were the unfortunate punishees, punished for being an international team with the temerity to take on The Big Key.
“Punish them!” cried the crowd and The Big Key obliged with 178 not out.
This would happen to each and every Test nation if England were to actually pick The Big Key. Every right-thinking soul thinks they should. It’s surely just a matter of time.
The case for Test match punishment off the meat of The Big Key’s bat is now overwhelming. There’s an unstoppable momentum that can only culminate in one thing: Rob Key batting in a Test match again.
We’re off to the doctors first thing tomorrow. Hopefully a diplodocus-sized treatment of lithium will take the edge of our excitement sufficiently that we don’t burst and die.