Rob Key punishes New Zealand

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Rob Key punishesPunish them!

Rob Key today doled out a punishing barrage of punishment. New Zealand were the unfortunate punishees, punished for being an international team with the temerity to take on The Big Key.

“Punish them!” cried the crowd and The Big Key obliged with 178 not out.

This would happen to each and every Test nation if England were to actually pick The Big Key. Every right-thinking soul thinks they should. It’s surely just a matter of time.

The case for Test match punishment off the meat of The Big Key’s bat is now overwhelming. There’s an unstoppable momentum that can only culminate in one thing: Rob Key batting in a Test match again.

We’re off to the doctors first thing tomorrow. Hopefully a diplodocus-sized treatment of lithium will take the edge of our excitement sufficiently that we don’t burst and die.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. do you seriously have only five readers, or am i just taking it a little too seriously? and in any case can i become the sixth?

  2. Unless five people are spending a hell of a lot of time travelling around and switching computers, we have a good many more than five readers.

    You can be whatever number we’re up to though and you’re even more welcome if you’re going to comment.

    Yes, that’s aimed at you, Silent Majority.

  3. What about the semi silent majority who pop up every now and again? Are we still welcome?

  4. You’re all welcome, from the familiar names to the people without keyboards and everyone in between.

    Except Brian. Brian isn’t welcome.

    He creeps us out.

  5. “Brand New Key” was a hit for Melanie back in the early 70s. Spookily, my name is Melanie and I not only own a copy of this record but also am a fan of Bobby. I’m not sure if any of this is remotely relevant, but I just wanted to join in.

  6. Bobby? Bobby Key.

    Naah, I don’t think that suits His Pieness. Robert it is…except every third Saturday, when he becomes Roberta for the evening.


  7. A friend got over excited in messaging today about The Pink Glory’s magnificent walloping innings and referred to him as Booby Key.

    And Mel – I do believe the Melanie song was improved beyond measure by the Wurzels and become “I’ve got a brand new combine harvester.”..cutting edge video of the same:

    Who said the IPL had all the good choons?

  8. Miriam, ‘The Major Key’ is a brilliant nickname. We can just see it on the back page of The Sun.

    It’s too good for this website.

  9. are those of us welcome who only pop on to call you names? for example at this moment i wish to liken you to ricky ponting… and call you a tit.

  10. *puts hand up*

    I am Ceci’s excitable friend who made the above boob.

    Am also someone who pops up now and again.

    *waves said raised hand in greeting*

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