Remember that England team that couldn’t bat, bowl or field

Posted by
< 1 minute read

Well if this Australia one-day side could run between the wickets, they’d be almost that good.


We’ve just got back from the ground, we watched the entire match and we’ve still no idea who the batsmen are. Clarke and Hussey, we guess. There’s also George Bailey who seems to have it in him to become a solid if unremarkable Test cricketer (although Australia seem to have him earmarked as a one-day number seven).

Other than that – Steven Smith? He made 21 off 20 balls, which is presumably why he’s selected. You’d never expect anything better than 21 off 20 balls from him, would you?

Would you?


Australia do seem to have a few good, solid medium-pacers, but then there’s Xavier Doherty. Xavier seems a really nice bloke, but as a bowler he gives rise to so much milking he should rebrand himself as a dairy farm.

Next year

The good news for Australians is that it won’t be like this for the Ashes. The side won’t be cobbled together from whatever happens to be lying about. It will be a first choice eleven. Turns out Tests are the priority sometimes.

We’re particularly interested to note that George Bailey is staying in England to play for Australia A against England Lions. They seem pretty certain about this guy. He’ll be in the Ashes squad.

Australia must be making sacrifices as they look to the future, but we’re really interested to see whether it all comes together or whether this shoddy present will just roll on and on.

The Old Trafford one-dayer featured: “Aussie, Aussie Aussie. Shite, shite, shite,” during play. It ended with English fans chanting the word “easy” over and over again.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Extraordinary really. From what I could see England didn’t actually play very well tonight – Tredwell, Bopara and run-outs doing most of the damage in the field – yet Australia managed to be even worse.

    By the way, Old Trafford looks a right state. Any idea what it’s going to be like when it’s finished?

  2. Forrest is a quality batsman – when they put him in the middle order. All the commentators are spot on when they said that in the current lineup Clarke should be at 3.
    I still maintain that Tom Cooper is the way forward – the big lift in his performance since playing for the Netherlands shows that he is still improving when challenged at a higher level – there is only one way to find out if he can keep improving and that is to bite the bullet and select him. If they leave it too late it will be another missed opportunity, similar to the reason why we’re in such a sorry state now.

  3. Australia are really trying their hardest to mimic 90s England by picking mediocre first class players who happened to score a century at a game one of the selectors saw, and bowlers who regularly pick up 5fers on helpful wickets against crap batting lineups. This is also where Steve Smith fits in, he is the “bits and pieces” cricketer that England so loved to select back then.

  4. I don’t blame the English crowds for laughing at them, watching the endless replays of Matt Wade’s dismissal I got a terrible bout of giggling.

    21 off 20 is Steve Smith having a damn fine match, leave him alone, and anyway he’s THERE to make people laugh, the selectors said that when they chose him for the Ashes.

  5. It would be fair to say that Steve Smith’s career seems to have stalled, wasn’t he once regarded as Warne’s heir apparent? Now that is laughable. Similar colour hair, comparison ends there!

    Did hear some ‘We missed Mike Hussey’ excuses, but think the problem goes a lot deeper than that, myself.

    Still, don’t think that the Test team will be this much of a shambles. Cummins and Pattinson, if fit and selected, could be a handful on English wickets, just needs the reliable and consistent Aussie selectors to pick them both though!

    1. Pattinson was playing last night. 0-34 off six.

      To be fair, young players do have more off days and a wet evening at the end of a miserable tour is unlikely to show someone at their best.

    2. I wouldn’t judge Pattinson on last night’s performance alone, he has shown in Test’s (albeit in Australian conditions, admitted) that he is potentially a handful if he develops as expected.

      I agree that yesterday didn’t make him look good, but as you said yourself, it was a miserable tour and they probably wanted to be back home rather than playing last night.

      Anyway, as a Pom I’m happy if he struggles next year 🙂

  6. You can’t fault their long-term planning though. They’ve taken a good look at England’s progression in all formats of the game and realised that to become successful again they need to copy the entire thing. That is, the entire England thing from 1990 onwards. This is a strategy that is guaranteed to bring success for Australia, albeit in 2035.

    My favourite comparisons with 90s England are the way that any batsman who scores 40 or more in any match automatically becomes the rock to build a top six round, that Sheffield Shield performance is assumed to be completely relevant (see Hick / Ramprakash), and that “world class potential” transmutes into “actually world class” before the end of the sentence.

    1. There were only 15 years between 1990 and 2005, Bert. It just felt like longer if you were an England cricket lover. 2035 is 23 years away.

  7. Cricketers as musical groups? Anyone?

    Ryan Ten Doeschate the Unstoppable Sex Machine.


    I’m off work sick. This is the only thing keeping me sane. I don’t want to have to break out the Ashes 2005 box set.

  8. Kings of Dion Nash
    Kula Shakoor Rana
    Graham Scooch
    The Rolling Steyns
    Chris Lewis and The News
    Ed Aerosmith
    Sigur Ross Taylor
    Shania Twain Larkins
    U Twose
    Jason Rat-Cliff Richard
    M-Bury People
    The Andy War-Moles
    Ian Bell and Sebastian
    Gladstone Small Faces
    Michael Kaspro-B*witched
    The Toby Roland Jonestown Massacre
    Derek and the Duminys

  9. Insane Cowan Posse
    D’Oliviera Parton
    The Rampraclash
    New Vaughnographers
    Death in Vaas
    Guns and Roaches
    The Libertinos

  10. Aravinda Da Silverchair
    Tatenda TaiBoo Radleys
    The Men They Couldn’t Strang
    Tate That
    Girls ALoudon
    ELOtis Gibson
    The Clive Rice Girls
    Atapattu the Drive-In
    The Dickie Byrds
    Merv Dylan
    Matthew Suede
    Dominic Bjork
    Captain Beefyheart
    The Stokes
    KD Langer
    Keedy Lang
    Joni Mitchell Johnson
    Allan Wells Morrisette
    Blink 18Twose
    Jamie Dalrymple Minds
    Billy Wagg
    Dire Yates

  11. Pavarotti Styris
    Doug Bowie
    Fleetwood Macmillan
    Ganguly of Four
    The Merv
    The Worrell
    Peter Sleeper
    Mankad Street Preachers
    Wilco Jefferson
    David Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
    The Darren Lehmanheads
    The PonTing Tings
    British Sea Powell
    The Leverlers
    KP and the Sunshine Band
    Me Younis at Six
    PJ and Duncan Fletcher
    Craig KiesWet, Wet, Wetter
    Marcus North and South
    Frightened Samit
    Dhoni Bennett
    Luke Wright Said Fred
    The TreGo Team

    And finally:

    The Pollock-Lee-Finn-Hick Spree

Comments are closed.