So Kevin Pietersen’s injured

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< 1 minute read

The tone of that title is meant to convey that this news is significant but that we don’t really have anything to say about it. We hope it has delivered in that regard.

Kevin Pietersen’s absence seems like the kind of thing people might be talking about, but sometimes conversation doesn’t flow with ease. Sometimes it’s halting and awkward and you walk away feeling like you haven’t given a good account of yourself. It’s worst when you’ve been speaking on a topic on which you feel you should have an informed opinion. The best way to tackle this is to never talk to anyone about anything you remotely comprehend.

Sometimes we find ourself in a situation where, against all odds, we’re talking to semi-strangers about cricket. If this happens, we make a conscious effort to shed knowledge. You don’t want to be the guy who knows about stuff; they pay you more attention then. This is why we don’t tell people that we write about cricket. We want to put them off the scent, so we carefully calibrate our comments accordingly.

This is actually pretty difficult because you have to remember what kind of information is likely to be common knowledge and what’s minutiae. A mistake we often make is to say something head-smackingly obvious about a cricketer who we then realise is far too obscure for everyday conversation.

Players who can safely be discussed:

  • Cook
  • Pietersen
  • Flintoff
  • Warne
  • Botham

Players who cannot safely be discussed:

  • Jonny Bairstow
  • Graham Onions
  • Nick Compton
  • Jos Buttler
  • Mehrab Hossain junior

There’s a real art to successfully engineering an entirely unrewarding conversation which revolves around a topic on which you are actually very well informed. It’s one thing we pride ourself on.


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  1. Nice point. I can’t stand talking about cricket with people who don’t really know what they’re on about. They think it’s all about standing around in strange white clothing, rubbing a ball on your crotch, clapping politely and eating cake.

    Whereas in reality….


  2. Didn’t Mehrab Hossain jnr score a breezy 25 for Central Zone in the Bangladesh Cricket League final the othert week?

    Perhaps not match winning in and of itself, but it certainly contributed to the Centraal win, coming as it did when Mehrab entered the fray with Central somewhat marooned on 93/4 from more than 34 overs.

    It’s so good to have someone really well informed to talk to, like yourself, KC.

    1. That’s almost exactly what we heard ourself say to the barber yesterday afternoon. Except the last bit.

    2. If you want to avoid distracting someone with information like that that’s pure gold, I’d assume it’d be someone operating sharp instruments in the immediate vicinity of your neck.

    3. I bet the barber literally dropped his scissors when he heard about Hossain jnr’s exploits.

  3. There’s a Venn diagram to be made from the two lists above, presumably with a big fat circle in the middle representing all other players who can neither be discussed or not discussed. I think.

  4. If my barber tried to talk to me, I’d look for another one. I go there for haircuts, not conversation.

    1. Exactly.

      There’s a great David Mitchell video in which he describes the anguish of going to the barber.

      He says he just wants it “like this, but…less so.”

      You probably had to be there.

  5. We do know though that you are like a clown on a trapeze wire. Your knowledge and skill has to be greater than the ‘experts’ or your blog would not work.

  6. Some interesting stats from the 2004 England v NZ series, on the back of last night’s performance:

    First Test at Lord’s: NZ reached 161-1 in their first innings. England went on to win by seven wickets.

    Second Test at Headingley: NZ reached 202-1 in their first innings. England went on to win by nine wickets.

    Third test at Trent Bridge: NZ reached 163-0 and 225-1 in their first innings. England went on to win by four wickets.

    1. Optimism? Ugh.

      Waste of energy. I’m just waiting for the return series now.

      Do you really expect an England win in this match?

    2. No. Just thought I would wheel out some meaningless statistics. It’s gone 3pm on a Friday afternoon, after all. Prime Statsguru territory.

    3. Five past ten on Saturday morning here. I bet none of you is awake. I’ll just have to talk to myself, again.

      Hello Bert.
      Hi Bert, how’s it going?
      Oh fine, fine. You?
      Can’t complain. Except for the England score of course.
      Oh there you go again, always with the cricket. Cricket, cricket, cricket, nothing but bloody cricket. Can’t you ever just think about something other than bloody cricket! You haven’t even asked me about my day, ‘cos all that matters to you is the bloody cricket score!
      But I…
      Oh never mind, what’s the point! I’m going out!

    4. Probably best to pretend there isn’t any cricket happening.

      Should I stay up until 3am to watch the F1? No. Will I? Maybe.

      Perhaps I should make another stab at Infinite Jest. But what’s the point? No chance I’ll finish it before it has to go back to the library.

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