Recalculating list of worst things in the world…

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We used to fear this kind of thing, but it’s all been put in perspective by this:

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit

The holiday ends with you having a barbecue with the man himself. At least he’s a good cook.

“Yes, I could definitely eat a 14th steak if you’d be good enough to go back over to the barbecue yet again. There’s not enough heat left to cook with, you say? I’m sure there is. You’ll just have to cook it for longer. You’ll just have to cook it for much, much longer. That’s right. Stay over there, slightly further away from me for much, much longer.”

We found this via a link on Hayden’s Twitter feed, which read: “Come and play in my back yard.”

Not sure why we clicked it really. There was no possible good outcome.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


    1. The heart appears to be being eroded. Possibly some sort of cancer is eating away at it.

      That’s the way we see it anyway.

  1. Was it Matthew Hayden or Damien Martyn (I can never remember which is which) that Jarod said on his podcast had blocked him from reading his Tweets. I didn’t know such things were possible, but typically Mr. Kimber seemed to regard this cricketer’s banned list as a roll of honour. Have you been blackballed by any celebrity cricketing Tweeters KC?

    1. Think it was Martyn.

      No, we’re in the clear, although we don’t feel the need to engage them in conversation, which helps.

    2. I take it Kimber may have “engaged” them in the manner that the Foot Guards “engaged” the French at Waterloo?

  2. I’ve entered on your behalf, KC, you’ll be pleased to know. It was pretty simple – you just had to answer three questions and fill in a tie-breaker.

    Q1 – Name the best ten players from the Australian team of 2000. I put Slater, Langer, Waugh, Waugh, Ponting, Gilchrist, Gillespie, Miller, McGrath, and of course, the main man himself, Andy Bichel.

    Q2 – Name the odd one out, and give a reason – Lara, Tendulkar, Bradman, Hayden, Alan Mullally. Tricky one this, but in the end I went for Hayden, as the others have all played against actually fast bowlers.

    Q3 – If Richie Benaud was a bowler, Matthew Hayden was a what? Lots of answers spring to mind, but clearly the one they are looking for is Unsuccessful Businessman.

    The tie breaker was to complete the following sentence:

    I want a fortnight trapped alone on a small desert island with only a barbecue, a double bed and my hero Matthew Hayden because…

    …because it will give me the opportunity to extensualisate the gamespace parameters within the context of the true Spirit of Cricketainment, combined with executabilitisation of the controllables of the true Spirit of Holidaytainment, ultimately leading to a truer understanding of Matthew Hayden’s baggy green…

    (I ran out of space at that point.)

    I’ve got a good feeling about this one, KC. Please remember to fill out a match report if and when you get back.

    1. The whole escapade sounds superlatitively enticing and I would be very interested in becoming involvisised

    2. Thank you Bert. You have done a great service by signing up. I pray for your sake that Hayden doesn’t like the sound of holidaytainment.

    3. I am sure you’ll win, Bert. I can almost imagine the two of you sharing a hammock somewhere in sunny Queensland with Hayden’s arm around you discussing whether Nietzsche had the best ‘stache amongst all philosophorical people.

    4. It will be KC who’ll be sharing that hammock, DC. I was very careful to enter his details on the entry form. I think that’s what friends are for, don’t you?

    1. If by “impressive” you mean “utterly, gut-wrenchingly horrifying”, then…yes. Impressive it is.

    2. Of Hayden, you mean? That’s nothing, you should see the beautiful tanning job they’ve done on Michael Vaughan’s pelt.

  3. I really worry about a young Royal such as KC clicking on a link that reads “come and play in my back yard”.

    Shouldn’t KC have some sort of safety filter applied to his computer to eliminate the risk of such events occuring?

    As for Hayden, can’t we report him to someone official or something, before he goes on to do some real harm? Like barbeque chicken demolition or whatever.

  4. Without becoming hysterical, I am becoming increasingly convinced that Hayden is the antichrist. It seems the only possible explanation for his website: have you seen his eyes in the Brisbane Heat photo? Truly, truly evil.

    Nostradamus has a prophecy somewhere about the Antichrist being: “A man of the reversed earth/ whose dominance will be unmatched/ against the slow and the weak/ on the flattest of all earth/ beware his Way/ beware his grilled comestibles.” Or something like that.

    1. That seems entirely logical thinking to us and we definitely remember hearing the bit about grilled comestibles.

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