South Africa v England Lions match report

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Lemon Bella writes:

Indian Skimmer and I went to see South Africa against the England Lions at Grace Road. Upon arriving at the ground, we spent twenty minutes trying to find a cup of coffee. Eventually we had to ask someone else who had a cup. In retrospect, we should have also questioned the quality of the coffee, as we could have saved ourselves the bother of walking three quarters of the way around the ground for a cup of lukewarm brown water with milk.

Garnett Kruger sat in the same stand as us. We found it quite disappointing that an international cricketer didn’t have anything better than us to do in his spare time. He did pay four eleven-year-old boys to go and buy him a Twister ice lolly though, so there was a hint of the glamorous life we would expect.

During the interval, Kruger played cricket with the four eleven-year-olds. He got the shortest one out for a duck with a spectacular caught and bowled but the chubby one hit him for three Flintoff-esque straight sixes.

During South Africa’s innings, we mostly watched Graeme Smith do paperwork on the balcony. There were white envelopes and brown envelopes and three different piles to put the envelopes in. At one point, Micky Arthur had to be consulted. We never realised that being an international cricket captain involved so much paperwork. From now on, when we’re in our respective offices we’re going to pretend we’re actually international cricket captains.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. When you say “do paperwork” do you mean just fold paper and stuff envelopes? Do you think Smiff is supplementing his meagre cap’n’s salary with a home-worker’s job – or possibly he’s a group leader for Weightwatchers and was sending uplifting messages to his flock

  2. Maths Exam,

    Question 1:

    If Mark has 32 white envelopes and 32 brown envelopes that he need to sort into three piles, what is the probability that Mickey Arthur will tell Mark to eat fewer braais?

  3. Answer: Graeme Smith of South Africa and Mark E Smith of The Fall are different people.

    Draw your own conclusions.

  4. Maybe that’s the answer to the Saffers weight issues. Mickey Arthur should take Mark E Smith to braais, while young Graeme, Jacques and Boucher should ingest industrial amounts of speed and roll ups.

  5. It was serious paperwork. We think that maybe someone had sent his post over from Cape Town and he was paying his gas bill.

  6. Some of us have been imagining that we are international cricket captains while doing our office paperwork for years. Do keep up, Lemon Bella.

    I wonder whether Smith (or any other international cricket captains) ever imagine themselves as small-scale businessfolk while batting?

  7. I’d heard that Mahendra Singh Dhoni imagines that he is randomly processing or turning down parking permit applications for a Local Authority

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