We’ve come up with an ingenious plan that will make England’s bowling attack the envy of the world: tell each of the bowlers that he’s playing for Durham.

Seriously. Tell someone – anyone – that they’re playing for Durham and they’ll take wickets. The presenters of Loose Women could take wickets in Durham shirts. Higgins from Magnum PI could get a five-fer.

Hell, even Ajit Agarkar could take wickets for Durham, just hand him the ball and point him at the stumps and he’d flatten batting line-ups like a steamroller flattens a plasticine Matthew Hayden voodoo doll.

Who’s Durham’s most successful bowler thus far this season? It’s impossible to tell.

Steve Harmison maybe, with 29 wickets at 23.10? That would be good enough for most sides.

Liam Plunkett’s just come back. He’s taken 6 wickets at 19.83. Mark Davies is doing Mark Davies things – 15 wickets at 21.93. Graham Onions has 13 wickets at 14.15.

That’s one whole overperforming bowling attack already, but there’s more. Ben Harmison has chipped in with nine wickets at 23.55 and Paul Collingwood has five at 12.40.

Callum Thorp - likes sunglasses, hates sun creamBut still we’re not done. There’s also Callum Thorp.

Callum Thorp is a 33-year-old Australian who’s played just 28 first-class matches. In that time he’s taken 79 wickets. To put that in context, Steve Harmison, at 29, has taken 572. Even Paul Collingwood’s cracked 100.

Callum Thorp has taken 20 of his 79 wickets this season at an average of 17.65.

Someone tell us, does the Chester-le-Street pitch resemble that bit in our garden where we had a go at returfing?