Chris Lewis may or may not have said:

“4kg of cocaine? They told me it was a sandwich and a banana for the flight.”

Actually, they told him it was a load of tinned fruit. Or maybe they told him it was 4kg of cocaine disguised as tinned fruit. The courts will decide.

Whenever we hear a case where a cricketer’s been in some way involved with drugs – usually taking them, not smuggling them – our initial reaction is ‘who are you trying to fool?’.

Cricketers aren’t rock and roll. They can do the most rock and roll things imaginable and it’ll still sound feeble and embarrassing. Gambling we can take, drinking we expect, but drug use? You play a sport where people clap you when you’re out. You don’t belong in that world.

Chris ‘shaved head, no hat’ Lewis has signed for Surrey for this season’s Twenty20 matches. He’s 40.

Younger readers might like to think of Lewis as being a sort of role model for the current West Indian team. He was born in Guyana, but it’s not that.

With the ball, he was as promising and ineffectual as Tino Best. With the bat he was as promising and ineffectual as – well – let’s say Dwayne Smith. We’re so spoilt for choice though.

The fact that Lewis is 40 and was rubbish for England has led us to officially make ourself available for selection again. We could be rubbish for England for years to come, it seems. We’ve got ample time to do justice to our talent after all.