“I realise I have been blessed by God and feel I have nurtured my talents to the best of my abilities.”
No, actually what happened was that you were ‘blessed by God’ and then you threw that blessing back in His face, pausing only to give him a prolonged hand gesture in the form of a lengthy career of line and length medium-pace.
For Shaun Pollock was once a fast bowler. When he first came out (we realise that’s ambiguous and don’t care) Shaun could bowl really quickly. Mike Atherton said he was quicker than Allan Donald at first. Mike knows about these things. He may have edged the greatest medium-pacer of them all more often than most, but he faced down a fair few quicks as well.
But Shaun Pollock changed his approach. He sacrificed speed on the altars of reliability and consistency – two of the shittest altars of them all. Come on everybody, let’s find the altars of reliability and consistency and draw penises on the sides of them.
Reliability is a handy attribute, but it’s one best viewed in scorecard form. Shaun Pollock was really good and you might even want him on your side, but you’d prefer his contribution to happen on the day when you weren’t at the Test. Unless he contributed with the bat. He was a really rather fun and actually more than handy batsman.
But our overall memory is one of stultification. Let us instead remember Shaun Pollock’s arms of expression, because at least they were fun for about ten minutes back in October.
There is literally no cricketing event that Shaun Pollock can’t portray through subtle distinctions in his ‘arms aloft’ pose.
An lbw appeal.
Celebrating a wicket.
Celebrating a hundred.
You’ll also notice that Shaun tends to appear as a mirror image when celebrating a wicket.
Well obviously wicket-taking miserliness is what you’re aiming for. But there was a fire-and-ice, chalk-and-cheese, black-guy-and-ginger-guy contrast between South Africa’s opening bowlers in the first one-day international against Pakistan.
Shaun Pollock didn’t get a wicket but only went for three an over from his full allocation. Makhaya Ntini went at almost eight an over, 69 from nine, but took the first four wickets to fall.
Probably the pressure from Pollock’s end led to rash shots when Ntini was bowling and Ntini’s wickets led to more subdued batsmen when Pollock was bowling.
We’d go for Makhaya though, on the grounds that he’s ace and because Shaun’s duller than Jacques Kallis’s wits. Makhaya can be quick whereas Shaun long ago decided not to be. Makhaya’s fun and Shaun’s not.
You get the picture. We prefer Makhaya Ntini.
42 year-old ginger snoreathon, Shaun Pollock, has been dropped from the South African Test team for the first time.
Rumours that South African coach, Mickey Arthur, said, ‘I can’t watch one more delivery from that freckled automaton,’ are probably true, although we haven’t heard it anywhere.
Pollock’s place is supposed to be going to Paul Harris, who’s a spinner, which really damages the credibility of this story. South Africa would never pick a spinner. He must be a middle-order batsman who bowls ‘a bit of spin’. He’s only got one first-class fifty to his name though. It’s all very odd.
Remember when Shaun Pollock was actually quick? You must be very old.