What is a fair Test pitch? Aussie pundits grapple with seemingly unanswerable question

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Australian pundits have been left with a lot of difficult questions after their team beat India on a Test pitch that turned from day one. Can a pitch be doctored or unfair when Australia win on it?

We invited two high profile Aussie cricket personalities to try and come to terms with the victory and its ramifications for future whinging (in both pre-emptive and after-the-fact forms).

To protect the men’s identities (and they are of course both men), we have assigned them dignified fake names.

Kenny Underpants: G’day you facken galah.

Great Uncle Dangleberry: G’day you flaming mongrel.

Kenny Underpants: So we beat India then.

Great Uncle Dangleberry: Yup.

Kenny Underpants: On an absolute shit-tip of a pitch.

Great Uncle Dangleberry: Nah, it was a good pitch. Not like that shit-tip they played on in Nagpur or that shit-tip they played on in Delhi. They were turning from ball one.

Kenny Underpants: This was turning from ball one.

Great Uncle Dangleberry: Ah shit. So why did this one turn out fair then?

Kenny Underpants: Ah, well those ones were doctored, weren’t they?

Great Uncle Dangleberry: Ah, that’s right. Doctored for turn. Doctored to turn from ball one. Shouldn’t be like that. Test cricket should be played on fair pitches.

Kenny Underpants: So this one probably wasn’t doctored to turn from ball one. But it did turn from ball one anyway. So…

Great Uncle Dangleberry: Uh… I guess that’s unfair?

Kenny Underpants: Yeah, er, it does still seem unfair… But the bloody Aussies won anyway!

Great Uncle Dangleberry: Yeah! Go you good thing! Put a gap in ’em!

Kenny Underpants: So basically, it was an unfair pitch, the Indians were cheating, and Australia are so good they won anyway.

Great Uncle Dangleberry: That’s about the size of it, mate. People might at this point be wondering what a fair pitch is.

Kenny Underpants: Well that’s easy, isn’t it? It’s just a normal pitch, like you get in ‘stralia.

Great Uncle Dangleberry: Yeah, if you want an idea of what a good, normal, fair pitch is, come to Oz. Nowhere else in the world consistently produces good, normal, fair pitches like we do.

Kenny Underpants: 400 in the first innings, 500 in the second innings and then, I dunno, I guess cracks and stuff. Something for the spinners. Just good, normal, fair pitches.

Great Uncle Dangleberry: With a good, normal, fair ball that doesn’t do too much.

Kenny Underpants: Good, normal, fair pitch; good, normal, fair ball; good, normal, fair cricket with the bloody Aussies sticking it to whoever they’re bloody playing.

Great Uncle Dangleberry: Reckon it’ll be a fair pitch for the World Test Championship final, mate?

Kenny Underpants: Dunno, mate. Have to wait and see. It’s in England, isn’t it? Wouldn’t have thought so then.

Great Uncle Dangleberry: They’ll be doctoring it to help India’s seamers already.

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    1. It is an uncouth, Australian expression, m’Lud, used as an alternative to the dignified English gentleman’s expression, “shuv it up yer arse!”.

      1. Not to get too biological before the sun’s over the yardarm, but ‘Put a gap in ’em’ seems to have more in common with ‘Tear him a new one’ than ‘Shove it up yer arse’.

  1. I’m not convinced Mr Underpants is a real Aussie if he doesn’t know that the correct name for the country is STRAYA.

    1. There’s all sorts of variants. Mr Underpants is quite well-to-do. Always puts his tinny down on a coaster and that.

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