Pakistan

Why we enjoyed England being thrashed by Pakistan

What about Pakistan, eh? Talk about feisty. They’ve just won a Test match after being bowled out for 99 on the first day. That’s exceptional.

Pakistan seem a really hard team. They’re not too flashy; not too dynamic with the bat; but they fight like a sack of drunk badgers. They’ve handed England a beating the equal of the one they themselves received the last time the two teams met.

No hundreds for England

England’s scores haven’t been quite as low as Pakistan’s in that 2010 series, but the batsmen’s failures have been perhaps more fascinating. We’ve actually really enjoyed these Tests, despite the outcome.

To be honest, we’d have welcomed a couple more matches. We’d like to have seen whether England’s top order could ever have identified both arse and elbow when a spinner’s been bowling. Sadly, the series ends with few high elbows and much high arse.

Have England’s batsmen progressed?

England batsmen v spin has been the main story, but it’s one that now feels fragmented. Spin challenges in Sri Lanka and India will be similar, but the interest here was in seeing how batsmen adapted when repeatedly confronted by the same bowlers.

A great many people have concluded that the batsmen are simply ’shit’. This is a nice, unequivocal position to take, but misses half the point of Test cricket in our eyes. Compare how the top six have batted in this match with how they batted in the first match and it’s clear they’ve all made changes.

Not one of them has improved enough to be a threat to the opposition, but it would have been interesting to see whether someone could have finally reached three figures were it a longer series. That would have been a triumph in itself. A 4-0 defeat in a five match series would have been a result as well.

We’re not delighted that our expectations were lowered to this extent, but sometimes you just have to adapt.

Azhar Ali has a long way to go and a long time to get there

If Azhar Ali knows that speed equals distance over time, it doesn’t unduly concern him. This is a batsman who will not be rushed.

With a train to catch in ten minutes’ time and the station five minutes from his house, Azhar’s sitting in his dressing gown with a cup of tea and he’s considering taking a shower.

This was only his second hundred, but he twice got into the nineties before his first one. That said, if Azhar’s in the nineties, he’s still bloody miles away from a hundred.

He reminds us of James’s sister. Several childhood cricket games were marred by her obduracy. Again and again we would explain to her that it was in her interest to hit the ball. She maintained that unless the ball was going to hit the stumps, she didn’t have to.

James’s sister was wise beyond her years.

Freaky Friday for England and Pakistan

England and Pakistan seem to have swapped identities at some point in the recent past. Pakistan are all obdurate and professional, while England try to make up for their catastrophic batting with ever more spectacular bowling efforts.

There’s a limit to what the poor bowlers will be able to achieve though. Bowling Pakistan out for 99 in Dubai today, after losing the toss, might prove to be that limit. Yet the batsmen have still struggled to secure a first innings lead.

When faultless bowling isn’t good enough, you can be fairly certain that the team’s sailing on poo-infested waters with no means of propulsion.

Mohsin Khan’s dad qualities

Pakistan had a job to do, but most of the players were just dicking about. Umar Gul was ragging round on his BMX, Mohammad Hafeez was telling naughty jokes and Kamran Akmal was skulking in the shrubbery, encouraging his brothers to smoke cigarettes.

Misbah-ul-Haq was trying to get everybody to concentrate, but they were all ignoring him because he was boring.

Then Mohsin Khan turned up.

Mohsin was carrying a tape measure and a tool kit. More importantly, everyone could instantly tell that he was as sensible as brown bread.

You don’t dick about when there’s a dad there because he’ll bollock you, so everyone got organised, just like he told them to. Secretly, the players were all glad of this. They didn’t really like the chaos; it was just that there had been no-one to stop it.

Pakistan’s coach is to chaos what a fat person is to a slice of cheesecake. He devours it so completely, there’s no sign it was ever there. However, unlike a cheesecake-eating fat person, he has very good reasons for doing what he does. Everything is done for a reason. Everything makes perfect sense.

Mohsin Khan is blessed with the wisdom of the dads.

England’s batsmen and spin in the fourth innings

England’s second innings batting card looks a bit binary code, but the truth is they weren’t qualified for this job.

The batsman v bowler duel generally favours the batsman, but the balance can shift towards the bowler due to the pitch, the weather and the match situation. In Abu Dhabi, it seemed to reach a tipping point.

Most of us would agree that it reached that tipping point a little too soon, but it’s not that England had a bad innings; it’s that a fourth innings trial by spin is as alien to their batsmen as Alf.

A major deficiency

There are many different ways of winning Test matches, but setting up a fourth innings spin assault is one of the classic tactics. If your batsmen can’t counter that situation, that’s not so much a chink in your armour as a missing breastplate.

Many people will want to replace one or two of England’s batsmen. That may or may not help, but it won’t resolve the problem. England simply don’t have anyone who can deal with fourth innings spin at the minute – that’s the truth of the matter.

Good spin bowling

England’s best batsmen haven’t deteriorated, they just haven’t encountered good spin bowling in relatively favourable conditions for quite some time.

Pakistan’s spin bowlers aren’t so good that they can rip through sides regardless of the conditions; they’re more like England’s pace attack. They’re disciplined and they make the most of anything that’s in their favour.

England were bowled out for 72 in Abu Dhabi and there were all sorts of decisions which could have gone the opposite way. But it wouldn’t have made a difference and that’s very much the point.

A couple of dismissals might have been given not out on another day, while a couple of not out decisions could easily have been given. The point is that the appeals were coming thick and fast and even allowing for the excitability of Adnan Akmal (who appeals even when there’s a successful forward defensive), they were frequent enough that it was only ever a matter of time.

It was exceptional, remorseless spin bowling against batsmen who had stolen and memorised the answers to a completely different exam. Pakistan were by far the better side.

Pakistan secure narrow win over England

Pakistan held their nerve throughout a challenging 15-run chase on a mostly lifeless day three pitch and secured a narrow 10-wicket win over a thoroughly professional England side.

England kept it tight and the pressure built, but with one eye on the clock, Mohammad Hafeez and Taufeeq Umar timed their charge to perfection. On the strength of that second innings effort, we can state with a degree of conviction that Pakistan were probably the better side.

But still, while Pakistan walk away with an actual win, England can pride themselves on earning a moral victory through forcing two of their opponents to bat twice. A moral victory is worth more than an actual victory, because morality is what separates us from murderers, bankers and people who work in marketing.

Saeed Ajmal will bowl a few more overs against England

England have faced Michael Beer, Xavier Doherty and a guy who looks a bit like Harbhajan Singh in the last year. They haven’t really had to combat any spin bowlers.

Saeed Ajmal is a spin bowler – he’s a good spin bowler, in fact. He’s not a 7-55 on day one spin bowler, but then no spinner is unless he happens to be playing England.

Saeed Ajmal was playing England.

It’s fun watching England batsmen play spin. It’s fun in much the same way as it would be fun to see a hippo attempt Groove is in the Heart on Just Dance. They’re keen. They’re just fundamentally ill-equipped for the task.

David Morgan’s county recommendations could perhaps be applied to Test cricket in order to help England’s cause. They could play Australia home and away, but perhaps play Pakistan only at home. That would work in their favour and India would doubtless be happy to benefit from a similar arrangement regarding their own touring commitments.

Despite being MASSIVELY RIGHT about Ajmal and England, we’re not happy. At the same time, neither do we despair. This is day one of a prolonged trial against spin for England’s batsmen which stretches through a series in Sri Lanka in March to one in India at the end of the year. If England are a good side, they’ll improve considerably.

We think they’re a good side. But let’s see.

Pakistan: Reliable? Organised?

A reliable and organised Pakistan cricket team is essentially just a theoretical construct. Nevertheless, Misbah-ul-Haq has got them about as close as they ever get.

In recent months, they’ve reached a state of solidity they rarely experience. They’re scoring runs, they’re taking wickets and they’re winning pretty much all of their matches. The first Test defeat in the West Indies is their only real blemish since the World Cup and if they haven’t played the toughest opposition, there’s also the fact that the opposition has little impact on win/loss ratios for Pakistan – they seem perfectly happy to beat South Africa and then lose to the Faroe Islands under-11s in their next match.

Nothing scares the other Test nations quite like the rare occasions when Pakistan’s chickens retain their heads and stand still for a bit. They know that were Pakistan to stop deliberately quaffing poison for even just five minutes then no side could even hope to compete with them.

Most Test teams would struggle were they unable to play any home fixtures and all of them would consider the incarceration of their two best players a catastrophe. These things are but pebbles under the wheels of the Pakistan monster truck. How long before that monster truck attempts to drive straight up a waterfall?

Threats made to Mohammad Amir and other Pakistan cricketers

As we understand it – and we’ll cheerfully admit to being well out of our depth here – the judge rejected the basis of Mohammad Amir’s plea; that he was put under pressure to do what he did. Amir was asked to prove it and declined the opportunity, citing non-physical threats to himself and his family.

What do the grown-ups among you make of that?

Is it an opportunistic excuse based on the claims of Zulqarnain Haider or could it be the truth? If it’s the latter, how are non-physical threats going to keep you from giving evidence that might prevent a jail term?

Well, while writing this, we’ve just heard that Amir’s going to appeal, so maybe that’s what that’s about. Either way, someone should have a word with Ijaz Butt. He’s picking up the bookies circle loud and clear. He’ll know what’s going on.

Mohammad Amir – don’t mourn the loss of a future great

“Please don’t let it be the kid,” said Nasser Hussain at the start of all of this. He spoke for most of us.

We wanted Mohammad Amir to be innocent, but it turns out that he wasn’t and believing that he might have become a future great makes no sense now that the facts are in.

He won’t be a future great and there is a very good reason for that.

A test of character

Cricket, and Test cricket in particular, is a test of character. In fact, over the course of a career, it’s a test of everything. The great players weren’t necessarily the only ones with extraordinary skill at their disposal. They were also the ones who gave themselves the best chance of proving how good they were.

Take Dale Steyn for example

He is currently considered the best bowler in the world. Is that simply because he’s the most skilful? No, it’s not.

Some bowlers have had better opening spells, but Steyn stays strong all day. Other bowlers have taken more wickets in an innings, but Steyn bowls well almost every innings. Some bowlers have had fewer setbacks, but Steyn has responded better to the ones he’s had.

He’s had bad days and injuries and he’s wealthy enough that he doesn’t need to play. Yet he does. He hasn’t got lazy; he hasn’t got fat; he hasn’t grown dispirited or disillusioned; and as far as any of us know, he hasn’t accepted money to bowl any no-balls.

Failings

Being persuaded to fix elements of cricket matches is a failing. It knackers your career even more comprehensively than other failings, like lack of skill, lack of fitness or wealth-induced complacency, which is what keeps so many promising cricketers from achieving their potential.

We are not going to mourn the loss of Mohammad Amir, because even if he was pressured into doing what he did, he doesn’t seem to have resisted strongly enough. He was found wanting.