Laurence Elderbrook finds a new way to share his gift

Several seasons have passed and I fear that if I leave it much longer, my skills might begin to wane. I could spend another summer at my gentlemen’s club, laying wagers and sharing brandies with other Renaissance men, but there will be plenty of time for that later. Now, while I am in the prime of life, I owe it to the world to exhibit my skill at the noble sport of cricket.

But how? And where? Relationships soured at my old club, where I transcended my team-mates to such an extent that jealousy became inevitable. When the framed portrait of myself I had added to the wall of the bar was daubed with an unpleasant slogan, I took the sad decision to leave.

It strikes me that gratitude and appreciation fade with familiarity and this thought indirectly gives rise to an inspired notion. I will become a freelance batsman – a cricketer errant. I will wander the land and bat at three for any pitiful group in need of a calm, undemonstrative, yet domineering top order player with an extraordinary eye.

I look down at my handsome physique. Resplendent in my cream flannels, I look immaculate. But clothes hide a multitude of sins and I am aware that I am not quite in optimum condition. This will not do.

I immediately launch into my tried-and-tested regime. I essay twenty to thirty mad gambols followed by a series of naked frisks. Once complete, I am ready for action.

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12 Appeals

  1. A rare exercise regime I can get behind.

    Er. Poor choice of words.

  2. Laurence Elderbrook’s back! As in, is once again appearing on these pages and acting the monumental bell-end. Unless of course those nude sashays have induced some form of acute back-knack.

    I know whoever our Laurence does end up batting at three for will allow him to play with his natural, extravagent style; he’ll never be able to ENDURE A BLOCKER ROLE.

  3. Totally agree with Mike’s excellent cricket analysis.

    Laurence is an ideal Number 3. He selflessly moved up and down the batting order…well, down, frankly…in a selfless attempt to prop up a failing side. Frankly, his former colleagues weren’t up to it.

    I am flush with optimism for the coming season, based on Laurence’s restored physical condition and his steely mental strength, which is all most reassuring.

    Frankly, what could possibly go wrong this time?

  4. Lawrence. I thought you were dead dear boy. Damn the eyes of the scoundrel who dares play to the leg side. Have you managed to get your batting average up into single figures yet?

  5. I look forward to seeing Laurence make his debut for Leicestershire.

  6. This Laurence Elderbrook rooster comes across as a hodge-podge of:

    Charlie Mordecai
    Flashman
    Boris Johnson

    (All fictional characters)

  7. I’m rubbing my hands in glee as I envision Laurence batting before Dhoni for the Rising Pune Supergiant.

    • I only read the URL. Sounds like being mentally healthy and lardy makes you good at cricket.

      Did I get the gist?

      • I think you’ve got the meat of this huge news, AP.

        Further, new rule changes banning bigger bats could see the amusing combination of larger cricketers holding smaller bats.

        Girthants may also benefit from the amendments to the run-out ruling that will mean they’re not out even if the bat bounces up after being grounded – the additional forward momentum should see that they get the bulk of their body over the line.

        All this is merely transitional – further discentive to running will be provided by the change to the ‘Mankad’ rule – clearly the message here is, running? why risk it? The eventual end game will be for a team of biffers too lardy to contemplate the notion of running, who instead just bosh everything to the fence.

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