Kevin Pietersen as an opener in one-day cricket?

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< 1 minute read

Threading the ball through the gap between Jupiter and Saturn

Yeah? Maybe? Dunno really.

England have long known that one-day openers are better off being twat-it-around batsmen. They haven’t fully embraced this though. They tend to pick their second or third best twat-it-around batsman for the job. Preferably the wicketkeeper.

Why not do the job properly? If you want a twat-it-around meister opening the batting, pick your best one. Plonk Kevin Pietersen there and see what his girder arms and oddly twisty torso can do.

We once suggested that Andrew Flintoff should open the batting in one-dayers. Some of our reasons for saying that are equally applicable to the use of Pietersen.

We’re not saying they’re particularly good reasons. We’re more remarking that they were once said and could, at a push, make a case for something happening that is happening anyway no matter what our thoughts on the matter might be.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Why not Prior? He seems to be able to score fast.

    But on to the main issue, my cable service provider demands $200 for the world cup package.

    Fucking asshole.

  2. Is that why Shane Watson is sometimes referred to as Twatto? Because he’s a twat-it-around batsman? I did wonder

  3. You did this, KC. Just you and your ill-conceived ideas about opening the batting in ODIs. They listen, you know. MY GOD they listen. You’d just better think more carefully next time you want to say something on the subject of cricket, because this one is all incontrovertably, utterly, demonstrably YOUR FAULT!

  4. Since the ashes there has been a disappointing amount of posts about actual cricket stories on this website and nowhere near enough posts about Sir Robert of Key.

    With regards to the latter, I am not disappointed, I’m just angry

    1. That guy who hates Rob Key always gets really angry whenever we write about Rob Key and we’re a little bit scared of him.

  5. I wouldn’t fear him, O King – you saw what happened a couple of posts back when Tredwell was mildly dissed – any cheek from Mr Anti-Key and you can just set the Kent Avenger aka Sarah, Canterbury onto him – she’ll throw him a few kisses in the first line or so to lure him in and then stamp all over him with her size 3 stilettos.

  6. How much does it cost for a size 3 stiletto stamp? Was there a Kent bowler with a name beiginning with Z played a Test for England or was that another bad dream?

    The stiletto dreams are Good!

  7. You shouldn’t fear anyone who hates Rob Key, you should pity them. Imagine how empty ones life would be to fill it with thoughts of Key hatred.

    Thesaurusrus – I’m thinking of Amjad Khan, but that lacks a Z. Maybe a dream, have you considered the Spiderman test?

  8. I tried the Spiderman test but I only got images of Liz Hurley and her friend Pam Anderson in totally inapproptiate clothing at the Oscars. i was thinking of Z Khan,no relation

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