Kevin Pietersen’s captaincy secret

Mind, body and that is allFirst there was the win, then there was the other win and then there was the cold, dead-eyed, relentless slaughter. England have murdered a top order before, but they rarely follow it by sweeping up the tail and leaving everywhere really nice and tidy.

South Africa 85 all out and a ten wicket win. Just what has Kevin Pietersen done to effect such a comprehensive turnabout in English fortunes?

Well, clearly he’s sold his soul to the devil, to which we say, ‘excellent bartering, KP – who needs a soul anyway?’

In a good light, this one-day team looks tip-top: batting down to nine, plentiful bowlers and four seamers who top 90mph. Regarding the four fast bowlers, there should be some sort of stamp of legitimacy for these speed guns, like the lion mark for toys; something that means ‘not artificially bumped up by 3mph’. Maybe Steve Harmison did bowl a 94mph yorker in his first over. Maybe he didn’t.

Anyway, that’s England in a good light. In a bad light, you’ve got batting collapses, opening bowlers who get carted and Steve Harmison’s back-up radar that he saves for special occasions.

But there is no bad light any more, because of soulless Kevin. Now there WOULD be an achievement: no bad light.

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19 Appeals

  1. Harmison only bowled one over (although he did take 2 wickets), so claims anout his newfound accuracy will also need ‘some sort of stamp of legitimacy’.

    It’s always nice to see Graeme Smith with this sort of look on his face, though, and Freddie took 3-29, so I’m willing to suspend my cynicism, at least until 10:15am on Friday.

    And who needs to bat down to nine if you only need 80-odd?

  2. Harmison only bowled one over (although he did take 2 wickets), so claims about his newfound accuracy will also need ‘some sort of stamp of legitimacy’.

    It’s always nice to see Graeme Smith with this sort of look on his face, though, and Freddie took 3-29, so I’m willing to suspend my cynicism, at least until 10:15am on Friday.

    And who needs to bat down to nine if you only need 80-odd?

  3. Oops – seems I got a little overexcited there.

  4. King Cricket

    August 26, 2008 at 9:25 pm

    Can’t blame you.

  5. I cannot believe you looked past the obvious facts here.

    South Africans don’t have souls.

  6. King Cricket

    August 26, 2008 at 9:42 pm

    It’s an even better deal in that case.

  7. There’s clearly something awry with the speed guns. Paul Collingwood didn’t bowl in this game, but if he did I bet they’d have clocked him at 90mph too.

  8. Yeah, the speed guns are rubbish. At least, so my dad tells me every time my mum gets caught speeding. The “Andrew Flintoff defence” has so far failed to win over the magistrates, however.

  9. And there wasn’t even time to get the floodlights on.
    Our beautiful new floodlights.
    Unused.
    They would have made Stuart Broad’s hair shine even more like spun gold.
    Although it would also have highlighted for KP no soul=no shadow.
    The match did last just about long enough for Henry Blofeld to mention my cake.

  10. Maybe the Saffers are scared of the speed guns.

  11. I’m going to have that picture of Graham Smith put onto a mug, so that if I’m ever feeling a bit down I can make myself a cup of tea and look at it.

  12. SarahCanterbury

    August 27, 2008 at 10:54 am

    Not sure I could ever put my lips to a picture of Graeme Smith…

  13. Honestly Mims, to fit a mug with Smith’s mug on it; it’d need to be as big as a beer barrel. His head is huge.

  14. I knew something was off when broads first ball was clocked at 89mph but it listening to pollock when his commentry stint came on was priceless : )

  15. It was 83 all out, not 85.
    Love this site and Rob Key.

  16. King Cricket

    August 27, 2008 at 6:58 pm

    Tom N, we like to leave in these factual inaccuracies to draw in new commenters…

    No? Not buying it?

  17. if you listen to KP he’s telling everyone his secret, ‘we need to turn up for every game’
    it definately helps!

  18. King Cricket

    August 27, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    Bollocks. That’s a brilliant quote. Can’t believe we missed it and therefore didn’t do a whole day’s worth of updates about it.

  19. burn him, he is a witch… what more proof do you need!

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