Middlesex v Glamorgan County Championship match report

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Suave writes from La Republique:

The rain had stopped when I got off the tube at Regent’s Park, and I was looking forward to a nice afternoon definitely not watching cricket.

Unfortunately, it started lashing it down as I was halfway through the park. I got soaked and battered by bloody hailstones. I felt like I was being peppered by the West Indian pace attack of the mid to late Seventies.

I wasn’t really dressed for it, as it was cold and windy. I really should have listened to KC when he said that April means double trousers.

When I got to the game, the fella on the ticket stand told me that there’s no guarantee of play, and no refund. I paid the £14, and swiftly made my way to the Lord’s shop.

Inside, they had all sorts of really badly designed Lord’s clothing, that I imagine the old duffers in the MCC bacon and egg would love. No-one under the age of 50 would buy it, I’m sure.

At this point Suave purchases an alarming number of things. Here they are in list form: Long-sleeved England Twenty20 shirt, England one-day shirt, England Test shirt, Wisden Almanack and a ‘Gregg Chappell Albion sun hat’. He then takes a short breather with a pint of Marston’s Smooth, before continuing.

I then made a trip round to the Middlesex CCC shop to see if they had any nice things. They didn’t.

I felt a bit bad about not buying anything, so I bought Fatty Batter by Michael Simkins.

After this, I had a pie. It was called a Chicken Of Aragon (named as such because it’s made of chicken and tarragon, and one of the wives of King Henry XIII was called Catherine of Aragon). It was fantastic, so I bought a hot coffee, a pint of Marston’s and another one. Two pies! I bet Rob Key wishes he were my pal.

One supremely posh old boy with really big gold rings on his pinkies stood in my way when I wanted to watch some cricket. I asked him if he would kindly move and he apologised profusely, saying: “Sorry dear boy, it’s early in the season and I seem to lose my etiquette in the same way a player loses his form.” Off he toddled, looking the worse for wear to drink. I liked him.

Some cricket happened, although I was busy reading Fatty Batter.


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  1. We knew that something crucial would have been removed in the editing process. You have no idea how long it took us.

    Kudos on commenting twice on your own post, by the way.

  2. My dad keeps telling me Fatty Batter is great. I don’t trust him – you sound more trust worth Suave – is it any good?

  3. My dad keeps telling me Fatty Batter is great. I don’t trust him – you sound more trust worthy Suave – is it any good?

  4. That got published twice. Sorry, it is early in the season and i have lost my form. That’s three posts with no reply, which surely beats Suave’s comments on his own piece?

  5. I heartily recommend it. It’s a very good book.

    It’s even going to get a book review. That’s how much I liked it.

  6. “Sorry old boy, but it’s early in the season and I seem to be suffering from a loss of form.”

    I’ve set myself a target of using that phrase, in correct and meaningful context, at least twice this month.

    Got to get it in the right areas, and all that.

  7. It was a brilliant line, and EVERYONE should use it!

    They do Ne, we’re all proper rich us north londeners. Not like the sarf laaaandan scumbags.

  8. So you admitted to the one day shirt and the sunhat – although manifestly there was no sun. Did Mrs Suave just raise her eyebrows at yet another cricket shirt (it’s not the only one, is it) or were there pointed remarks?

    And where are the clandestine shirts and Wisden? Do you hope to introduce the Wisden surreptiously into the proud row of Wisdens on display in the downstairs loo and think you will not be sussed? You will.

  9. The ODI shirt happened to be on one day, when Mrs Suave came home. I had nets, she never noticed it was new.

    The new Almanack will make a bathroom visit soon, but I need a bit of time, as I’ve been a tad spendthrift of late.
    The shirts are hidden in the back of my wardrobe!

  10. Can you tell I’m procrastinating?

    From Cricinfo’s latest article about KC’s beloved Kolkata Knight Riders:

    “Shah Rukh sits through the team meetings quietly, but each time, at the end he teaches the players a new dance step. After Kolkata’s first loss, to the Chennai Super Kings, every member of the team received a consolation SMS from Shah Rukh, which ended with the promise that he would be there with them soon, and that there would be another dance step to learn.”

    Get in there! Hopefully we’ll soon be seeing Messrs Ponting and Ganguly busting some combos with the kids. Word.

  11. I am pleased that the Pie Review is becoming an integral part of these reports – the Old Trafford pies have often been neglected on my part in favour of a burger, which just feels a little wrong.

    Does anyone know if there are pies in the IPL?

  12. This is Ged Ladd, here, from the Middlesex supporters’ website MTWD.

    Great report – I’ll place a link on the relevant bit of our message board and you might like to look at the mtahc reports our people filed for the same match.

    If the big fella with the rings was in the pavillion and MCC colours-riden, it was probably “Fingers”, one of the better-known regulars. Sounds like his sort of comment.

    Coincidentally, while you were freezing at Lord’s watching cricket I was sunning myself in the south of France – but we were both reading Fatty Batter. I thought it was excellent.

    I met Michael Simkins at Lord’s a few years ago when Middlesex were playing Sussex, but that’s another story.

    Great serendipity to your site – I’ll be back.

    Best wishes


  13. Is Inzamam in the IPL? If he is, there must be pies there. Maybe they told him that the ‘P’ in IPL stands for ‘pies’.

  14. Swarvy darling, I was “this” close to going to Lord’s. “THIS” close.

    I could have met you there and compared rain dancing techniques.

  15. Beautifully reported Suave. I’ve read Fatty Batter; I enjoyed it.
    Re the shirts that you’re still hiding, it’s a good thing that you haven’t written about them anywhere on the interwebs.

  16. Am a tad concerned that I won’t be permitted to file a report on a match I attend at Canterbury as I don’t like pies. Please can you clarify this?

    Anyway, Bobby will have eaten them all*

    *Very unfair pie joke given the new trimmer Mr Key

  17. Pie tasting is not mandatory.

    However, if you do have a pie at the cricket, we of course want to hear about it.

  18. Not quite pie-related, but close.

    At the Eng-SL ODI at Old Trafford two summers ago, one of my mates bit into a Tesco’s mini Cornish pastie…to find it absolutely devoid of filling!

    He was, needless to say, gutted.

  19. Mims, I can safely say that there is no way on earth, the lovely Mrs Suave will ever be searching cricket websites, for information on me!

  20. I can recommend the burgers at Canterbury, though the buns are slightly floury. Nice bit of onion too but wouldn’t break out and invest in the plastic cheese.

  21. Mahinda, I’m actually incredibly relieved at how that story ended. I was expecting something along the lines of “and he bit into the still-moving body of a cockroach that had crept into the pie”.

    Also, your friend was gutted? not as comprehensively as the pie itself.

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