New Zealand’s Test team

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2 minute read

We’d be very irritated if we were a New Zealand cricket supporter. We’re very irritated anyway. Admittedly, we get irritated by all of humanity on an hourly basis, but this is different. This is with reason.


We hear a 'yee-ha' when we look at this pictureShane Bond would add fire to any attack and the sooner this ICL banning bollocks dies down, the better. The ICL haven’t banned bollocks, you understand. It’s not the female and eunuchs version of the IPL. We mean that it’s bollocks that Shane Bond isn’t being selected for his country because he played in the ICL.

Bond asked permission of the New Zealand board. They said yes, it was fine. India disagreed, so the New Zealand board did an about face and told Bond he should cancel the ICL contract he’d legitimately signed. Bond, quite reasonably didn’t. Voila. No-one’s a winner.

New Zealand’s remaining bowlers are dependable and we reckon the very same players would test opposing batting line-ups a great deal more given more runs to work with. There’s swing, bounce, turn and parsimony. They only lack pace.


Gah. It’s too ugly to contemplate. Brendon McCullum’s great in his own way, but is better kept down the order. Oram’s peculiarly schizophrenic, veering from thumping, front-foot solidity to quivering, back-foot terror. Daniel Vettori’s the best number eight batsman you could ever hope for.

Of the specialists, Jamie How’s worth persevering with at the top of the order and Ross Taylor’s going to be a terrifying prospect one day, when someone’s lent him some sense. Ross Taylor is Ross Taylor’s bunny. No-one else gets him out quite so much. You want to grab him by the shoulders and ask him just what the hell he thinks he’s doing half the time.

It's the shoulder picture again ladiesAnd there’s the problem. Who’s going to do that? Those two batsmen should be surrounded by some older, more experienced players. They should be learning from the non-striker’s end.

Stephen Fleming, Scott Styris and Craig McMillan are pretty much in their prime and are the last New Zealand batsmen with notable Test experience. New Zealand are playing less and less Test cricket. Three Test series are becoming two Test series. Those players need to be around – not only for the runs they’d bring.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Lengthy, fairly serious and about New Zealand.

    It was always going to be a winner.

  2. Never apologise for length.

    You did your best to draw in the ladycomments, with a Vettori pic and also the Fleming shoulder pic.

  3. That’s what you get for a totally fscking stupid politic ridden selection policy – off all the countries to artificially cripple themselves, it’s New Zealand. What’s next, Bangladesh deciding to bat with eyepatches? Depth perception is for wusses…

    I can never see that Styris ever had a prime, he just always looks like he should be on crutches from a heriditory spinal disorder.

    Here’s to real articles!

  4. I am absolutely beside myself with rage at the way Shane Bond has been treated – he SHOULD have been playing for NZ and thus would have not been able to play for sodding Hampshire and not able to get the last sodding wicket against Durham. PAH!

  5. For those who demand more Fleming shoulder action, here’s the other one. Those shoulders would walk into most Test teams. Or shoulder their way in, or something. Ha ha.



  6. Styris may make himself available again, because he hasn’t done too well out of the IPL, or his reduced NZ contract. Macca’s past it though, and Flem would need to be given back captaincy again

    Fat jokes aside, Jesse probably has the best technique to open of the lot.

    We’re missing Franklin, who adds more balance all round. Would make Kyle pull finger too.

    Make no mistake, Bond is no saint. And he wouldn’t have played in this series anyway

  7. Am I missing something about the Fleming shoulder? Both of them even? I’m really trying but they aren’t doing anything for me. The top does nothing for his skin tone either.

    And as for Styris….. I always thought he looked like a stuffed terrier.

    Don’t get me started on Bond……Do I need to go back down the pub?

  8. New Zealand really shouldn’t worry about picking Shane Bond. After all, there’s no shortage of cunning disguises he could adopt.

    Ceci, that Durham match was a strange one with many unusual sights to be seen. Steve Harmison batting responsibly, for a start.

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