Robert Key and his health and safety wisdom

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< 1 minute read

Sarah Comma Canterbury sent us these, ‘hot off the camera card’.

Ian Botham could learn a hell of a lot from this:

Highly visible and his whole head is safe and secure

Where Botham removed his helmet and opted for a low-visibility tabard, Rob Key has got everything right.

Rob Key is better than Ian Botham in every conceivable way. Can Rob do anything wrong?

Totally inappropriate shoddery - won't somebody think of the metatarsals

The answer is yes.

That is totally inappropriate footwear for a building site. What if someone were to drop a piece of scaffolding on his foot?


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. I must leap to restore your faith in Rob’s innate good sense, KC, and confirm that the most worrying hazard on site yesterday was in fact the twatty photographer (not me, I hasten to add) requesting he pretend to catch the first lump of sod. Naturally. As you do.

  2. Are you trying to tell us that Rob didn’t carry out any actual construction work over the course of the day?

    This is troubling.

  3. Early days, early days. I did hear him say that he would be starting his close season training in four weeks. That’s sufficient time for someone of his qualities to have supervised completion of the Pavilion refurbishment at the very least.

  4. You haven’t got the full story. These are not official photos. Key was sat in the pavillion when he and some other players saw the digger outside. They got all excited and rushed out. Joe Denly, who didn’t really want to go, convinced them that at the very least they needed a hard hat. Key grabbed his batting helmet, saying “All right, you ponce, I’ll put this on.” Denly had refused a cigarette in the bogs earlier in the season, which hadn’t made him very popular among the big lads. When they got to the digger, Key found a hi-vis jacket lying around and put it on shouting, “Look at me lads, I’m Bob the fucking Builder.” He climbed into the digger, and James Tredwell took some photos. Then Tredwell shouted “Fucking ‘ell its Farbrace”. They all scarpered.

  5. I’d have been delighted to, Sarah, but I must confess that I myself personally was not actually all that close to the actual detail of what was actually happening in actuality, or indeed to Kent. So in that sense I should say that “You haven’t got the full story” is probably fractionally something of an overstatement. However, I stand by the truth of every word of what I wrote (although by “truth” I don’t necessarily mean “truth”).

  6. I notice from the first picture that Rob has a similarly devious look to Monty when he was doctoring his bowling figures. This makes me think that Rob was probably using the digger to destroy all records of his pretty awful season this year, burying the scorebooks under a pile of rubble. Except for the scorecard for the Durham match at Canterbury. He saved that one. It’s sticking out his back pocket in the second picture. No wonder he looks so happy.

  7. Think mentioning “twat” and His PInkness in one sentence is enough to get you sent into exile Dandy Dan – or would you just like me to kick him O king?

  8. No, no, no. I’m not suggesting he is a twat, just suggesting that those photos don’t put him in the best ‘light’.

    Given that you are essentially Sir Bob’s public relations advisor O’King, I’m slightly surprised you’ve let these images get into the public ‘realm’ let alone advertise them for all to see.

  9. Why has the JCB Song popped into my head and refused to leave?

    Just think about the JCB Song for a moment.

    The song is now in your head too, isn’t it? Admit it.

  10. I gave my son the initials JCB in honour of that song rather like Colin Cowdrey was MCC. We live in California now and, thankfully no-one has heard of JCB or Rob Key. Actually he did skipper and England team against Steve Waugh’s Australian team last year in Los Angeles. Lots of free Aussie beer and meat pies.

  11. What if someone dropped a piece of scaffolding on his foot? Pah. If Bob spotted a piece of scaffolding coming his way he’d lean back and carve it through backward point.

    With his bare hands.

  12. I dare anyone to produce a picture where Rob Key doesn’t look a twat.

    He’s a Bumble in the making and Sky have already got him pegged as resident court jester.

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