Posted by A few more weeks of England players walking through airports and we’ll have a full XI of new nicknames. After kicking off with Cocky Captain Complainer last week, the West Australian has now seen fit to greet Joe Root by renaming him ‘Average Joe’ because his record in Australia is a bit mediocre.
The West Australian’s really enjoying itself this week. A day after Cocky Captain Complainer, Stokes was again on the front page. This time he attracted the headline SITTING DUCK after ill-advisedly sitting down for a moment when there was a West Australian photographer in the vicinity.
The standfirst for that story – “England captain cuts a lonely figure at first Ashes net session in Perth with most of his arrogant teammates not even bothering to turn up yet” – somewhat reminded us of that timeless classic, “Disgraced Smith a sad sight drinking alone in New York.”
For what it’s worth, Root – the second-highest scorer in Test history – averages 35.68 from 14 Tests in Australia, which is a fair bit down on his career average of 51.29.
The magic number
We’re back to talking about Ollie Pope or Jacob Bethell again, apparently. Asked which of them would bat at number three in the warm-up match, Marcus Trescothick went with: “I’m presuming the same sort of number three we’ve had for a period of time.”
Fantastic evasion from Tres. Not “Ollie Pope” not “probably Ollie Pope” not “I don’t know actually, no-one’s told me” but “the same sort of number three we’ve had for a period of time”.
Who qualifies for that category? Pope for definite, but does Bethell fit the description too? Is he “the same sort of number of three” in that he is a man who has previously batted at number three for England, just as Pope has?
England v England Lions at Lilac Hill on Thursday may bring an answer.
Someone send Usman Khawaja the rules of this game
Poor Usman Khawaja, still forlorning labouring through a life for which he is so ill-equipped. The Ashes is no place for a man so burdened by measured logic and common decency.
Invited to comment on the possibility that one of the angry Lord’s members who abused him in the Long Room in 2023 might have his life ban overturned, Khawaja said he was a man who didn’t hold grudges and that he was all for second chances.
“If these guys have learned from their mistakes and they’re never going to spray players as they’re walking off the field 30 centimetres from their face, that’s fine.”
Review: The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments
Some bloke called Ian Louis Harris has written what you might call a first impressions review of our book, The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments. He doesn’t seem to hate it. You can read it here.
Sounds like we might have won young Ian over. Here’s hoping he becomes a regular commenter on and contributor to this website.
Places where you may or may not be able to buy The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments
It’s been a bit of an education monitoring the stock levels and lead times at various places this last week or so. We think at this point retailers are reliant on finding wholesalers who still have copies. It honestly doesn’t seem like there are many left of this batch.
- Bookshop.org – says it usually dispatches within three weeks, which sounds like it’s out of stock but they’ve managed to order some (that’s just our reading of the situation)
- Amazon – 1 copy left (more on the way, but it doesn’t say when)
- TGJones/WHSmith – still out of stock
- Awesome Books – in stock again!
- Blackwell’s – in stock, usually dispatched within 7 days
- Hive – out of stock, but we’ll include a link on the offchance they track down some more
Some blokes respond well to being referred to as “some bloke”…
…whereas other blokes don’t.
Let’s see if “yer bloke” turns up or not, KC.
Will Ollie Pope turn up when metaphorically invited to come to the metaphorical party? That’s more to the point.
With Captain Complainer, Disgraced Smith, and now Average Joe, we seem to be assembling a veritable 17th century rogues gallery of characters for this Ashes performance. (Inspired by The Smudge’s comment on a linked post.)
Either that or a Manchester-based indie tribute band.
Is it time to start talking about how we’re going to follow all of this?
TNT Sports? TMS? TalkSport? BBC highlights? Re-listening to the first Test of the 1997 Ridiculous Ashes podcast when it all gets too much?
Either way, I hope our collective nearests and dearests are ready for the quadrennial onslaught of sleep-deprived passive-aggression coming their way.
6am wakeup, furiously scroll back up the BBC live text while squinting to miss the details. Try to get the kids engaged in the narrative while shoving toast down them.
Better than shoving toast up them, I suppose.
I wasn’t so naive to think Mark Wood would manage a whole Test without some sort of injury. I was naive enough to think he might last the first day of a warmup match though.
He really should rebrand as Mark Wouldn’t.