Posted by Finally, belatedly, on day three of the fifth Test, the normal Ashes began: flat pitch, hot sun… how are you going to handle this? Australia handled it with bats in their hands. England handled it the way they’ve so often handled it in the past: with an endlessly rotating cast of right-arm fast-medium bowlers trending bleakly towards military-medium as the day wore on.
“How can the ball hurt you?” asked Brian Close, once upon a time. “It’s only on you for a second.”
It’s one of cricket’s great ridiculous quotes, but there’s a kernel of something in there all the same. Brevity brings a different brand of pain. How could the first Test defeat in Perth have hurt you, England fans? It didn’t even last two days. On a very basic level, England’s worst Ashes defeats have always been so much more than that.
We’ve railed against the notion that Perth was an all-timer. The second Test in Brisbane was worse, we argued, because that one was a more comprehensive failure.
It too wasn’t a classic though. With no Australia batter making a hundred, it lacked those long, hopeless sessions where there’s no end in sight. England had a fast bowler too. There was plenty of scope for things to be worse.
But now we’re here. We’ve made it. One opening bowler isn’t an opening bowler. The other hasn’t really played cricket since the summer. The fast bowlers are gone. The spin bowler is no such thing. Left hands are purely for the rubbing of temples after Travis Head has sent yet another short, wide one to the fence. It’s the Ashes we all know so well!
Could probably also point to your “Jacks and Bethel are no kind of bowler at all” article! Stokes with an easily predicted side strain now as well…
Just when it looked like the Aussies may have to actually work for the win in their second innings, Brook and Jacks throw their wickets away.
I understand shielding your players from criticism, but this sort of thing cannot be allowed to happen repeatedly.
Honestly, kudos to England for taking it until Sydney for this to happen. Pretty much every England team that has toured Australia since I was a toddler has been reduced to hopelessness in the field during the first test they’ve played (yes, including the all conquering 2010/11 side).
That’s true!
Good to see the Warwickshire Bethell thriving in the show ring. Lovely fleece, surprisingly well suited to warmer conditions.
Golden boy, genius, saviour, ‘Will bat at number three for the next ten or fifteen years’ (so says Michael Atherton).
Good luck, kid. It’s a shit business. You’ll find out.
On behalf of all Websters I am announcing a ‘thorough review’ into how one of us was allowed to be Australian.
I totally agree with the point about not playing a proper spinner.
The point about all the pace bowlers being right arm fast medium just seems to be a fact of life in England. We haven’t produced a world class left arm seamer for test cricket for as long as I can remember. Sam Curran only makes the cut as a bits and pieces player at the moment and arguably would struggle to bowl penetratively in Australia. Ryan Sidebottom was almost built not quite the real deal. Before that, Alan Mullally flattered to deceive for a while – but he did his growing up in Australia not England.
The boy Bethell looks like the real deal. But writing the story of his entire test career after fewer than half-a-dozen tests is a hostage to fortune. If his bowling improves, of course, he can also be the solution to England’s spinner problem. He’s a big strong lad – up the pace by 40-50 clicks on the mph dial and Bethell could be the solution to England’s left arm seamer problem too. Simples.
Cut to Sydney 2034, burned-out England skipper Jacob Bethell gives a tearful resignation speech. ECB managing director Ian Ward announces another root and branch review.