Wedding match report

Dandy Dan writes:

The day started well. I got married.

The first test

Once that was out of the way, the serious matters of the day came into view. I’ve been to a fair few weddings over the years and in most, I’ve found there to be a ‘lull’ at some point. Eager for this not to affect my own wedding, I asked The So Called Will to borrow a Kwik-Cricket set from his school and to organise a game.

The rules were established. Each batsman had one over to score as many runs as possible. Five runs would be deducted for each loss of wicket. Being the Groom, I went first.

Things started well. Will was bowling to me in a repetition of school holidays circa 1987-1995. A loose, short one outside off stump allowed me to execute a glorious back foot cut over Price’s head for four.

Textbook

The next ball was flicked off my hips for an agreed two. A drive through mid-on brought four. Will was not enjoying this trip down memory lane. He focused on line and length. The right thing to do, but against a batsman in this sort of form, pointless. He was dispatched for a disputed six over his head.

Long handle engaged

Another cut brought a further four with a solid block ending the over. The block was slightly exaggerated just to prove the point that I could do it. 20 runs off the over. I was pleased with that.

Will and I swapped places. I opened with some off spin. This immediately brought turn AND bounce. First two balls went straight through the gate but narrowly missed the stumps. The third brought an LBW appeal. Will insisted it was going down leg-side. Knowing there was no way he could now overtake my score (and in the interests of keeping the spirit of the day friendly) I agreed. Not wanting to show off, I finished the over with some medium-fast.

Military

Others came and tried to better my score, but fittingly no one managed to. My new cousin Kieran (age eight) enjoyed fetching the ball for the ‘grown-ups’. This was the first time I’ve ever found a use for a child at a wedding.

My Australian friend Kai (who had come all the way from Sydney for the event) did a pretty good job at being an Australian cricketer. He was rubbish. Mark J adopted the unusual fielding technique of biting on the plastic pint glass so he had two hands free for a catch. By doing this he had impressively kept both priorities at the top of his agenda.

Perfect fielding technique

Tanya got involved by first bravely adopting a position at silly mid-off and then later picking up the bat to face some of Gareth’s slow-medium. Ben showed disappointing form with the ball it has to be said. Didn’t see Price’s innings alas, but I know he didn’t score as many as me. My best man Rob was reasonably destructive with the plastic, although at one point he did hit my nephew’s girlfriend with a wild pull. The ball fired straight into the side of her rib-cage. She didn’t flinch. Good girl.

Inevitably, rain stopped play. However, we had to get on and have a first dance anyway so it all worked out well in the end.

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22 Appeals

  1. Best report in some time. Brilliant.

  2. Superb life-affirming match report, Dandy Dan. Well done.

    Shame you needed to waste valuable playing and drinking time by getting married earlier in the day, but it seems you managed to fit it all in, so no harm done.

    Bit light on detail – beautiful-looking venues – where are they? The new Mrs Dan’s family homestead, perhaps?

    I applaud Mark J’s fielding technique, up to a point, but (speaking from experience) it doesn’t quite enable both tasks to be fulfilled to their best. I used to place the beer skiff on the ground directly behind me. This encourages the very best fielding – attacking the ball and putting your body at risk (e.g. using the long barrier or the full girth barrier) to minimise both run scoring and beer wastage.

  3. Outstanding, the time management on the big day and the match report both.

  4. My most favourite thing about this match report is that there is now a picture of my father on King Cricket.

    A proud day indeed in the Price household

    • Is that your dad visible behind the batsman in the last photo? The one carrying his shoes?

    • That’s the one. He looks good for his age

    • You might want to have a look at your fielding efforts in that second pic, Price. You clearly have your beer in your left hand while trying (in vain) to stop Dandy Dan’s “glorious back foot cut”. Mark J has clearly shown you up in this regard.

      Dandy Dan – looks grand, and a win to boot.

  5. Brilliant report Dandy Dan. Good work on fitting wedding in. Decent hover captioning KC.

    Where are you KC? You seem quiet? You gone away? Can we go thieve the palace?

  6. Just brilliant. I think it sets the standard for Match Reports in the future. In fact, I think it sets the standard for weddings in the future as well.

    Particular kudos for mentioning the actual wedding first. A very useful point of reference for use in future arguments, especially those of the form, “You think more of cricket than you do of me…”

    By the way, I know how fast match reports get posted round here, so happy fifth anniversary.

    • It must have been more than five years ago, Bert. Examine the first photo – the wedding itself was in black and white.

  7. Does it please Mrs. Dan that your innings, though flashy and no doubt productive, ends remarkably early?

  8. Thanks for your kind comments guys.

    Regarding details Ged. The wedding was at St Ia’s in St. Ives in July. The venue for the cricket match (amongst other things) was Trereife House, just outside Penzance. Alas, this is not Mrs D’s parent’s house. She did go to school with the daughter of the owner so a small discount was negotiated.

    I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but KC is holding another match report of mine that might even top this one. Well, the day was certainly more significant…

  9. Oh, Price still hasn’t written my stag match report. Yet.

    That was in May. I feel it’s time he was publicly shamed.

  10. Great stuff, Dan. I’m planning something very similar myself next year. I hope it will be half as successful.

  11. Dan I’m upset that only Price was invited. Bring everyone to the next one.

  12. Best. Match. Report. Ever.

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