When South Africa were Stued

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2 minute read
Photo by Sarah Ansell
Photo by Sarah Ansell

Back in August, Stuart Broad tore Australia a new one. But that was last year. How many new ones had he torn in 2016? Not a single one. Disgraceful.

He doubtless wanted to address this grave situation in South Africa’s first innings, but was apparently struck down by the wild shits – or at least something approaching it. At the time, the commentators seemed uncertain what impact this might have on his performance. Even just asking the question indicated that they were preposterously ill-informed. Anyone who has experienced this notorious ailment knows that it is marginally more debilitating than having a broken spine.

Fortunately, recovery is rather more rapid and by South Africa’s second innings Broad was okay. Better than okay, in fact. Between his first and fifth wickets, he only conceded a single run. If you’re new to cricket and are only reading this article because you’re interested in sportsmen’s intestinal health, let us tell you that sort of performance is more than handy.

A word for James Taylor’s catching too. He may have only begun fielding at short leg as some sort of sizeist joke by some captain or other, but he’s clearly grown into the job (metaphorically speaking). He’s now so good that it can only be a matter of time before he’s considered a senior player and therefore removed from the position.

Hat tip to Nick Frost for today’s headline by the way. Other suggestions for that final word included ‘Broadsworded’ and ‘Broadsided’. Our own effort – ‘enbroadled’ – goes some way towards explaining why we should probably resort to crowdsourcing headlines more often.


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  1. Broad has done this to every side in the world now with Sri Lanka probably being the exception. Reckon they’d be a good side to tour England in May this year, if you ask me.

    1. Broad hasn’t done the 5-fer in a spell thing against Pakistan yet either. So perhaps they would be a suitable opposition to follow Sri Lanka in England this coming summer. Let’s see what we can arrange…

  2. I missed it all. I was sitting in a Tesco car park, my infant son asleep in the back seat, my mum inside buying toilet roll, when I heard what had happened.

    Consider this my match report.

    1. I went to bed during the lunch break. I told myself I’d watch the replay when I woke up, but I left the Cricinfo scorecard tab open by mistake. I woke up, saw “Eng 73/3,” thought there must have been some rain at the end of the day to account for only 73 runs in two sessions. Then I remembered South Africa had been batting when I went to bed. The rest wasn’t hard to figure out.

  3. What county cricketers are worth watching in 2009?

    These ones:

    Liam Plunkett
    Mark Davies
    Steve Davies
    Adil Rashid
    Tim Bresnan
    Will Smith
    Simon Jones
    Paul Horton

    Who do we think should be watched in 2016? It’s the kiss of death.
    Samit Patel, Rob Key, Sam Billings, Chris Woakes.

    1. A mixed bag, but not exactly the kiss of death. Bresnan hadn’t played a Test at that point, Rashid hadn’t played for England at all. Plunkett was pre-renaissance, even if that renaissance hasn’t seen him become a Test regular. Weird that Davies hasn’t done better though. We had high hopes for him.

  4. Daisy and I got to see most of the carnage – hearing the first wicket when we were in the car, missing the second as we were getting out of the car and then the rest we were able to witness on the TV with glee.

    It was a monumental bowling performance, not least by Broad.

    I do think Day 3 has somewhat cast a shadow over the amazing batting performances of Stokes and (especially) Root. That was the sort of pitch where 50 is worth the equivalent of 100+ on a flatty and 100 is worth the equivalent of 250 on a flatty, It was the sort of pitch where the batsman never really feels that he is in, yet those two made wonderful hay.

    Great pitch for test cricket, btw. If only the Saffers could find some players who can bat on a decent test match pitch (other than de Villers, Amla and possibly Elgar), that could have been a great contest.

    At least visiting Daisy’s mum today won’t be interrupting our cricket-following, but it is difficult to take any other positives from the prospect of such a visit. Facing the Duchess’ acerbic tongue is the verbal equivalent of facing Stuart Broad at the Wanderers on a day when he doesn’t have the wild shits.

  5. Test players, bowlers especially, do not come pret a porter. Anderson, now Broad, are world class, but only because they were trusted to become world class. Finn and Stokes, and maybe Moeen, are likely to follow, if they are given the chance.

    All we are saying, is give these a chance.

      1. Fast bowlers on the other hand do come at Pret a Manger. Just the other day I found Wahab Riaz in my chicken salad wrap.

    1. Stuart Broad has become the first England player for 11 years to top the International Cricket Council’s Test bowling rankings.

      The 29-year-old took 6-17 in the second innings of the series-clinching third Test win over South Africa on Saturday.

      The fast bowler climbs above India spinner Ravichandran Ashwin and South Africa paceman Dale Steyn.

      Steve Harmison, in 2004, was the last England bowler to top the ICC rankings, keeping top spot for 120 days.

      1. For those of us who started paying attention to these things in 2008-9, Steyn not being obviously the best is going to take a lot of getting used to

  6. So South Africa did in part manage to pull an England, after their previous stability. Perhaps the lack of any clear direction in captaincy, selection, etc., and the hope to somehow be particularly good while settling for Dane Piedt among spinning options, did eventually tell.

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