“Oh, you’re still here. I, er, thought everyone had gone home. Are you going to, er…? No, you’re not. You’re going to stick around for a bit longer, you say. You’re going to stick around and have another brandy, even though everyone else has gone home and I was clearly just about to go to bed.”
As we understand it, at least one of the selectors wanted shot of Alastair Cook as one-day captain, but Peter Moores didn’t so they just sort of went with that.
Unlike everyone else who writes about cricket, we’re not actually against this. We’re not in favour either, but we don’t really buy the argument that if England were bold and radical, they’d have a far better chance of winning the World Cup. As such, we think it’s fine to stick with Cook because if England do somehow do okay, at least it’ll be funny watching everyone backtrack.
We know you’re supposed to be positive about and say ‘at least if we gamble, we’ll have a chance’. It’s just that we don’t really believe it. We’ve seen enough England World Cup campaigns to know that bright ideas six months out tend to result in a bunch of new players who bottle it in big games, having never actually played in one before.
At least Cook’s used to everyone calling him an ineffectual bumcock and won’t be taken aback by the hostility directed his way when his side collapses against New Zealand.
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September 24, 2014 at 2:18 pm
Well he’s in now. No point in continuing to moan about it, because that won’t change a damn thing, unless his scores in the Sri Lankan series read like a line of Boolean logic.
So we may as well hope that he can remember those times when he scored crazy hundreds at reasonable pace, for which he’ll need to stay in for long enough to see the spinners. And then not get out to them. On Bunsens.
Meanwhile, Alex Hales needs to remember that he’s at his best as a “mad flailer”, as described here: http://www.kingcricket.co.uk/alastair-cook-as-a-one-day-opener/2011/06/28/ and stop trying to play stodgy partner to his stodgy captain.
September 24, 2014 at 2:19 pm
Bumcock? Is that what I think it is?
September 24, 2014 at 2:54 pm
It’s just two insults glued together. Don’t overthink it. Questions arise if you start to scrutinise the term.
September 24, 2014 at 5:01 pm
Too late.
September 24, 2014 at 2:20 pm
‘As we understand it, at least one of the selectors wanted shot of Alastair Cook as one-day captain, but Peter Moores didn’t so they just sort of went with that.’
Anonymous sources? Is that you, Mike Selvey?
September 24, 2014 at 2:55 pm
We just read it in places. Probably Cricinfo.
We have no insider.
September 24, 2014 at 2:43 pm
I like the fact that England seem wedded to the idea of being resolutely crap at ODIs. Top level sport is great to watch but just like there is something reassuring watching Hamilton stall on the start line, it’s good to see a bunch of professionals find themselves at 30 runs for a depressing number of wickets after 10 overs.
Just as Andy Zalztman has stated that olympic golf should be played by half-drunk accountants sneaking out of work on their lunch breaks to get in a round or two while evading calls from their wives, I believe the ECB should send out a WC squad comprised of confused looking amateurs who all hope the captain asks someone else to open (ideally that bloke who’s a mate of one of the new ball bowlers).
September 24, 2014 at 7:52 pm
I bemoan professionalism, when is the last time there was some good old-fashioned crap sport on telly? Featuring people with a realistically-attainable physique (or better yet, a realistically-avoidable one), whose enthusiasm outweighs their skill by a 10:1 ratio or better, and whose knowledge of the rules is as limited as my own?
I demand answers.
September 24, 2014 at 8:09 pm
International King of Sports.
Channel 5, 2004.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_King_of_Sports
September 24, 2014 at 8:45 pm
Bailout, I know what you mean. I look at Inzamam, Jesse Ryder and Samit Patel and think to myself, “Alec, no matter what changes you make to your diet and excercise regime you will never have a physique like theirs”.
September 24, 2014 at 10:22 pm
Daneel, you read my mind – I was actually thinking of the Tennis Whack event on IKoS!
But some of them actually looked like proper athletes. I’m really after a sub-Channel 5 version of Primary School Sports Day.
September 25, 2014 at 12:00 am
Saturday morning wrestling on ITV?
It’s a Knockout?
September 24, 2014 at 3:34 pm
I’m not concerned about England’s World Cup chances – I don’t think they have any and I’ll be pleasantly surprised if it goes better than I expect. there’ll be some good 50-over cricket played but I can’t see England playing much – or any – of it.
My all-consuming fear is that the skipper successfully adapts his game over the coming ODI months and can’t switch back into Test mode afterwards.
September 24, 2014 at 3:45 pm
England will almost be playing through plenty of top cricket, most likely up until the quarter finals.
September 24, 2014 at 6:54 pm
England are going to surprise everyone in the forthcoming World Cup and walk off with the trophy.
Remember where you read it first.
September 24, 2014 at 7:43 pm
I do hope you make this comment before any major tournament in any sport England are competing in
September 24, 2014 at 8:17 pm
Absolutely not, Pat. Where would the fun be in that?
September 25, 2014 at 11:15 am
What? So the they are just going to casually take the cup from its display plinth thingi at the opening game and just sort of saunter off with it? I suppose it’s a bit less suspicious than running away with it. Obviously they can’t try the heist on at the final as their presence would be far too incongruous.
September 24, 2014 at 9:48 pm
Back to Lancs – Atherton says he would have declared on 250 to deny Middx bonus points. So is it allowed or not?
September 24, 2014 at 10:30 pm
Ask the declaration monitor Sam. That’s what he is for.
Hypothetical question as Lancs were not 250/5, so a declaration at 250/6 would have condemned Lancs to division 2 cricket for sure.
My opinion for what it is worth, is that, had Lancs reached 250/5 this evening, the declaration dude would not have been happy with the declaration. In the morning, if Lancs reach 300/8, he will be happy with a declaration.
My only previous experience of this indignity was at the Oval in 2005. I was there in person when Ben Hutton disappeared into a shed. “He’s gone to check whether the declaration will be legit”, I was told. Ben emerged about one minute later and declared as soon as Middlesex passed 400/5:
http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine/match/219846.html
Even that left us squeaky-bummed until Middlesex took a third wicket the following day.
September 25, 2014 at 8:55 am
Blimey – Trego and Joyce bowling for Middx. How times change.
September 24, 2014 at 10:59 pm
I love cricket. No other sport could have made such a balls of its rules and regulations that they need someone to assess the precise reasoning behind a decision before they know whether it is legal or not.
But surely there is more that can be done. I favour having a Declaration Monitor Decision Review System, where the on-field umpires can be asked by the captain to watch a video replay (with HotSpot) of the Declaration Monitor making his decision, to check whether his balls had moved outside leg at any time during the process.
September 25, 2014 at 9:15 am
As long as Cook gets out early in the World Cup, this team could be a real chance as there are some proper ODI batsmen in there. If he muddles around for ages, trying not to get out, the English team is ****ed.
September 25, 2014 at 10:02 am
I still think that there’s some sense to the suggested strategy of “wickets in hand, accelerate later”. Bar Cooky, the entire team can accelerate to a decent degree. The trouble is that you’ve either got one less wicket in hand, or a batsman at the crease in the middle overs who struggles to accelerate later. Putting the kibosh on the “wickets in hand, accelerate later” strategy.
There’d be no problem with having Cook at his best opening, because (referring to that other KC article I linked to above) he was utter class. But he’s not at his best.
September 25, 2014 at 10:09 am
You wonder whether he benefited a bit from being relatively unknown as a one-day batsman when he returned to the side. He added about two shots to his Test game and it worked and now everyone just blocks off those two shots and he’s stuck.
September 25, 2014 at 10:27 am
I remember there being one time, possibly in the tests, where the TMS commentator said, “If Cook has a reverse sweep in his arsenal, now’s the time to use it.” I assume that they’d loaded the field disproportionately on the one side.
From the ensuing commentary, I deduced that Cook didn’t have a reverse sweep in his arsenal.
September 27, 2014 at 8:34 am
Opposing skippers are so defenxive these days in odis, if Cook can learn to rotate strike it might work out. Don’t know if he can in time though. If Morgan finds form, anything can happen.
September 25, 2014 at 11:24 am
Tense tension at Fly Emirates For All Your Getting Somewhere Far Away Needs Old Trafford. 289 for 8. 11 more runs maintains Lancs hopes. A wicket before then relegates them. A declaration at 300 for 8 brings the Declaration Monitor Lizard into play. Freckly Ginger Smurf at the crease.
September 25, 2014 at 11:29 am
Going to more of a case as to whether they can get the runs in the overs
September 25, 2014 at 11:33 am
DECLARE! DECLARE!
September 25, 2014 at 11:34 am
Has someone woke decision Monitor?
September 25, 2014 at 11:34 am
CHAPPLE!
September 25, 2014 at 11:42 am
This is why normal people often feel moved to inappropriately use words like ‘legend’ isn’t it?
September 25, 2014 at 11:41 am
Yeeeeeeeeeessssssssss!!!!!!!!
I assume that had been agreed with the pencil monitor earlier. So Lancs get 6 points, Middlesex 3, 16 for the win brings Lancs exactly the 19 over Middlesex that they need. Only the result matters now.
September 25, 2014 at 11:42 am
And just to add to the tension, all done with 4 balls of the 110 overs to spare.
September 25, 2014 at 11:43 am
We’ve just realised that Lancashire are going to have to bat last, which means relegation still hinges on Lancashire’s batting…
September 25, 2014 at 1:09 pm
Don’t worry KC. The batting is fixed now. Lancashire DECALRED. Imagine that! Lancashire, that team that plays at Old Trafford, scoring enough runs in an innings to declare. Heady days.
September 25, 2014 at 11:43 am
Middlesex to make 400+ and get and easy draw now after all that excitement.
Nothing more certain.
September 25, 2014 at 11:56 am
This
September 25, 2014 at 12:53 pm
Robson gets century, Rogers double. Malan to finish job after Robson bowled, again.
September 25, 2014 at 2:09 pm
More importantly, Leics only need to score 521 to win their first game of the season.
Losing by more than 400 runs to Derby will sum up this season quite well, I’d imagine.
September 25, 2014 at 2:27 pm
Imagine if they do it, though.
Nothing would change
September 25, 2014 at 2:39 pm
Clint McKay, though. He’s almost a player of some credibility.
September 25, 2014 at 3:09 pm
50/5.
So that’s going well.
Cosgrove too, I heard. As a Kolpak (am I allowed to say that?).
September 25, 2014 at 2:58 pm
Middlesex 36 for 2 in this single innings shoot-out.
Chapple (4 for 55, 45 no, 40 years old) has not yet had the impact on the second innings that he is destined to have. Hang on to your stupid panama hats, Middlesexists, The Freckles from Eccles (*) is coming to get you.
(*) He’s from Skipton, actually.
September 25, 2014 at 3:11 pm
Skipton? Sounds suspiciously Yorkshirey to me…
James Whitaker is also from Skipton. Has anyone from there ever got more than one cap for England?
September 25, 2014 at 3:27 pm
Of course, Whitaker has 2 ODI caps to gowith his solitary Test one (Ashes winner!). So carry on.
September 25, 2014 at 3:31 pm
One more wicket and Lancs. will be into the imaginary county’s soft underbelly. Actually they’ve already had a first shot at it with Denly, but there’s more to come. So much more…
September 25, 2014 at 3:33 pm
A fair point, Daneel, but he moved to the civilised world at some point in his life, making him a Lancastrian. Look at this photo of him, which is how Lancastrians all look:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glen_Chapple#mediaviewer/File:Glen_Chapple_2009.jpg
Middlesex are now 53 for 3. Ged and KC are presumably hiding behind the sofa. Different sofas, probably. I tend to see Ged as having a Chesterfield sofa in burgundy leather, KC more a futon from Ikea.
September 25, 2014 at 3:40 pm
Whereas Sam is casually reclining in a comfy armchair, the Bears having secured second spot with a crushing innings victory.
September 25, 2014 at 4:21 pm
It’s a two-seater in some kind of thick gauge cord. It was from one of those warehouses going by the name of Furniture Universe or somesuch. We can’t remember exactly where.
September 25, 2014 at 3:35 pm
Oh dear, it is 3 years ago i first came in touch with this beautiful sport. It was strangley exciting, as i had no real idea how everything works (why does a sport going for 4-days even exist?), but one team had to win in a relativley short time to score around 200 runs, if that wouldnt be enough, they also had to hope that another team didnt win.. everybodys was pumped up, the commentators, the few spectators in an empty stadium.
And they pulled it off, the chased down 210 in 30 overs and sealed the deal. this team was no other than Lancashire, and tomorrow history will repeat itself. Best of luck to Lancashire (but in fairness best of luck to Middlesex too).
September 25, 2014 at 4:25 pm
90 for 4. The soft underbelly (Morgan) is exposed. Lancashire will win for sure.
September 25, 2014 at 4:31 pm
Morgan varies between being as hard as his bat, and as squidgy as wet cotton wool. Your guess is as good as mine as to which Morgan is turning up today – but he’s already hit a six, which is not a good sign.
On the other hand, Dexter’s in the middle, so the underbelly is out in the evening light all the same. Toblerone Jones is MCCC’s only remaining hope, apart from hard Morgan.
…Yes, hard Morgan. What’s so funny?
September 25, 2014 at 4:49 pm
Paul Horton, you’ve just dropped 2015 first division County Championship status.
September 25, 2014 at 10:07 pm
Poor old Paul Horton
But then again
He should have flipping caught ’em
September 25, 2014 at 4:36 pm
Poor old Leicestershire. Bring back Chris Lewis and Al Mullall.
September 25, 2014 at 8:05 pm
MS Dhoni biopic announced: http://www.india.com/showbiz/m-s-dhoni-the-untold-story-first-look-sushant-singh-rajput-is-set-to-hit-the-cricket-field-157415/
I expect that they’ll provide an unbiased look at the great man’s career, go into great detail about his record in Tests away, and barely touch upon the IPL.
September 27, 2014 at 8:37 am
Rags to riches story based around him whacking the winning runs in the World Cup 2011. In fact, it might only be about him whacking the winning runs in the World Cup 2011.
September 27, 2014 at 8:56 am
A riches to even greater riches story about him whacking the winning runs in the World Cup before renegotiating a series of contracts and product endorsements.