Middlesex v Worcestershire at Uxbridge – match report


Dumbo, Ged’s Suzuki Jimny writes:

Not all that long after taking Ged and Daisy to Ireland, where I got to watch my first snippet of a cricket match at Clontarf CC, Ged asked me to take him to Uxbridge to see day two of Middlesex v Worcestershire. I was very excited about this prospect, as it was proper first class cricket and I hoped I’d get to see a lot more cricket than I ended up seeing at Clontarf.

We set off ridiculously late for the game. Ged insisted on doing work in the morning and then doing some exercise at the gym at lunchtime before setting off, so by the time we got to Uxbridge it was gone 3pm and more than half the day’s cricket was done. We listened to the commentary on the internet radio on the way out to the ground. Ged said that it sounded quite tedious, but that anyway his main purpose that afternoon was to finish reading a book, The Utopia of Rules. I asked Ged what the book was about. He said it was a socialist perspective on the anthropology of bureaucracy, so I was none the wiser and wished I hadn’t asked.

When we arrived at Uxbridge, I expected to drive up to the boundary and watch the match, just as I had at Clontarf, but an official pointed me to another field, some distance from the first-class pitch with no view at all. Ged said he was powerless to intervene on my behalf. Ged should know; he’s reading the book on bureaucracy.

Ged also said that he wanted to have a photo of himself taken eating an ice cream, as a celebratory joke to send to the advertising people who, bizarrely, contacted Ged while we were in Ireland wanting to license some clips from the old Ladd family home movies. Ged’s Dad is slapping on the tanning oil in this advert. That’s Ged and his Mum looking daft on a Fredalo in this vine. Some of us actually have to earn our living.

It was a glorious afternoon when we arrived, but it soon clouded over and there was a really cold wind. Ged said afterwards that he enjoyed his ice-cream, especially as his friend, Frank Poole, had insisted on buying Ged the treat as well as taking the celebratory photograph. Ged and Frank had a nice chat while walking around eating their ice creams in the sunshine. Ged started the afternoon in shirtsleeves, but soon had to layer up with a jumper and thick jacket, yet still felt cold sitting reading his book, which was, apparently, a chilling enough read even without the cold wind. So we stopped off at Harry Morgan’s, near Lord’s, on the way home, as Ged said he needed some hot chicken soup to warm and cheer himself up. Bless.

Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk. If it’s a professional match, on no account mention the cricket itself. If it’s an amateur match, feel free to go into excruciating detail.

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9 Appeals

  1. Those advertising clips are a thing to behold.

  2. Presumably holding those heavy tomes in the left arm (or perhaps, lots of 99s) explains the difference in shoulders?

    You could have tucked your shirt in properly, though.

  3. I appreciated the American feel to the entire piece. from the USA decorated ice-cream van to the New York deli with kosher chicken soup. I don’t think that’s the same Harry Morgan who was so good in MASH.

    The Hollywood style photo- shop was slightly unsettling but the reflection of hair in the window of the ice-cream van was lovely. If you look closely, there may even be an image of a shooting star there too.

    Don’t get me started on these huge 4WD gas guzzling SUVs that people who live in the middle of cities own. I admit I own one but one day I might need to go off-road

  4. Does the message on the side of the ice-cream van say “Fuck Worcestershire?”

  5. Always funny when owners start to look like their ice creams

  6. I was not ready for that picture.

  7. I don’t like it. The weirdness of the picture is not completely explained by a bit of bad photoshopping. There is no obvious line of dislocation separating the two sections of the picture. It twists and turns and disappears and blurs like some sort of mad thing (I’m not sure what sort of mad thing exactly, but definitely some sort of mad thing).

    I have come to the conclusion, therefore, that it must be the prelude to an invasion by multi-dimensional space aliens. In the same way that a continuous 3D object like a human body can appear as separate pieces in the plane (a plane cutting your legs would show two circles), I think a 7-dimensional being has sought to invade our universe disguised as Ged. This sort of thing isn’t uncommon in the presence of a large amount of ice cream. What we are seeing is just those apparently disjointed parts of the Ged-like thing’s 7D form that appear in 3D space. They’re not really disjointed, the connecting pieces are just bent in two additional dimensions of space and one of time. There has to be a time loop to explain the double-buckle – the lower buckle is the same as the upper one but seven minutes later. Certainly the depressed angle suggests that the ice cream has already been eaten by this point.

    None of this, of course, explains the hair. The wayward left-hand section is connected to the rest of the Ged-like head at the bottom. This means it is almost certainly a hatch, opening to allow the Ged-like creature to consume the ice cream directly into the brain. 93% of ice cream probably ends up in the brain anyway, and the creature has found a way to improve on this. That’s progress for you, and also a sign that we’re doomed.

  8. Yes, perhaps I owe everyone an explanation for the photograph.

    Frank Poole is a lovely fellow but, as it turned out, no photographer. He found buttons on my iPhone I didn’t even know existed; I think ended up taking portraits with some sort of panorama setting.

    He took three, the other two were so distorted I discarded them. The one you are looking at was not so distorted for me to notice until I got home. Still, I thought some of you would have some fun with it and so it has proved. Well done, everyone. Very funny.

    I didn’t think about the “New York relocated to London” theme, Rus, which indeed extends even to David Graeber and his recent book on technology, stupidity and bureaucracy – very apt. I couldn’t recommend Harry Morgans any more; gone well down hill since it changed ownership over earlier this year.

    As for 4WD gas guzzlers, I hope you all appreciate the distinction (as described in his Clontarf piece) between those big beasts and the tiny little run-around vehicle that is Dumbo. Dumbo is, however, ideal for a cricket coffin, kit bag, ukulele and some overnight bags. As indeed you’ll find out if you give his subsequent scribblings a go.

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