England v Australia at Edgbaston Test – day one match report

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Ivan Meagreheart The Smart Phone writes:

It’s hard work being Ged Ladd’s smartphone. I get pretty run down by the end of most days. Still, there are perks. One of those perks is cricket. During the cricket season I get to look at the scores a heck of a lot. And sometimes I get to go to matches.

Ged has a regular meet with friends for Thursday and Friday, the first two days, of the Edgbaston Test. This year [Editor’s note: last year now] threw them into confusion. The match started on a Wednesday. So what exactly is their tradition? They plugged for the Thursday and Friday; days two and three this year.

So on day one, the Wednesday, Ged decided to get his packing and some work done early in the morning, go to the gym to watch a fair chunk of the morning session on the TV while exercising, then head to Euston during the luncheon interval.

When we got to Euston, Ged called Daisy; a task for which I am ideally suited, but increasingly rarely employed. Daisy told Ged that her two o’clock patient had cancelled and that she now had an unexpected break until half-three. She intended to slob out and watch the cricket. “Great,” said Ged. “Give us a call or text if anything happens – the wifi/digital signal on the trains is ghastly, but strangely, mobile phone signals get through fine.”

It’s only a short journey to Birmingham, but Daisy must have phoned Ged half a dozen times while we were on the train. Girls. Ged seemed happy enough about it, though.

When we got to the hotel, Ged collected his key and then wheeled his bag to the bar; stood watching the TV for a short while, then turned around and headed towards our room. Moments after we turned and walked out, the punters in the bar gave a huge cheer. I didn’t realise that Ged was so unpopular.

Ged took about 10 minutes to unpack a bit and grab some reading matter, then we headed back to the bar. Ged found a quiet corner with a good view of a second TV, ordered a potta and hunkered down for the rest of the afternoon.

About an hour later, Nigel “Father Barry” White arrived and joined us in the bar. He had received a peculiar text from Charley “the Gent” Malloy and “the Boy” Malloy, who said they were running a bit late and had stopped for a snack at a service station. Ged and Nigel debated the causation sequence in that two-part statement. There ought to be an app for that.

After a while, the Malloy pair turned up. The four fellas had a drink together as stumps approached. Soon after stumps, Nigel raised the subject of dinner. Charley announced that the Malloys’ late afternoon snack had turned into a bit of a junk food feast and that they weren’t hungry.

Ged and Nigel searched for a restaurant nearby – I have an app for that – and settled on Bengal Delight. They had a very enjoyable meal by all accounts, although neither ruby looked anything like the posh drizzle-laden pictures on the website. I was quite rundown by the end of the evening, as was Ged, in excited anticipation of spending day two at the match.

Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk. If it’s a professional match, on no account mention the cricket itself. If it’s an amateur match, feel free to go into excruciating detail.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. I did an entire undergrad thesis debating causality.

    Shame, in retrospect, I predated the mobile app.

  2. Ivan has asked me to pass on his thanks to KC for publishing this piece. Ivan has also asked me to point out that he has a WordPress App, so could have published the piece himself on KC’s website if only KC had provided him with the user name and password.

    Note from Ged Ladd to KC – hold on very carefully to those King Cricket site security details.

  3. Now Australia is Participate in the Triangular series. How they can Play test Match. I Place bet on Last match Between Aus vs Wi at 24sevenbet

      1. Lamp is wicket-keeper
        Radio is bowler
        Cup of tea is batsman
        Coasters are slip cordon
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    1. And we move one step close to placing 24sevenbet on the comment blacklist.

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  4. ‘stumps’
    ‘day two’
    ‘stumps’ again
    ‘days two and three’

    Ged, this is practically ball-by-ball coverage. Must try harder next time.

    1. Personally, I would apologise for the misdemeanours you have so meticulously extracted. But Ivan isn’t one for apologising.

      It’s Ivan again for day two. And day three. Get used to it.

  5. It just occurred to me that you can put Hippity and Ivan in Dumbo and send them off to the match. They can all come back and tell you what happened – or is this what you already do?

    1. Beware of the things you envisage and/or wish for, Deep Cower.

      KC is sitting on a scorching pile of text from the Warwickshire v Middlesex county championship match at Edgbaston, later last season, in which…

      …you’ll see.

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