England v Australia at Old Trafford match report

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We went to the fifth one-day international between England and Australia. Cricket-wise, it was your quintessential damp squib, even if the weather was a beautifully sunny, warm, dry squib.

The paper wallet in which the tickets arrived promised music, action and cricket, in that order.


We assumed this was a reference to Old Trafford also hosting live music events, but as it turned out it was a fairly accurate description of the entertainment on offer on the day.

We saw David Gower striding across the outfield before the match. He’s been looking older on TV, but we were struck by how lithe and spry he remains. Nasser Hussain’s hurried gait was also on display but we didn’t have any strong feelings about this. Tom Moody was there too. We didn’t see him walk much, but we can confirm that he is massive.


Fortunately for the purposes of this match report, we didn’t really see much cricket because for about half the match, Mitch Marsh was standing in the way. Here’s one moment when he was slightly less of a visual impediment.


We passed the day having a ‘pie-off’. Various offerings from Stockport’s Lord of the Pies were pitted against the classic meat and potato from Treacle Town Pie Company in Macclesfield.

This competition was not without controversy. It transpired that the pies from Lord of the Pies had been warmed, whereas the Treacle Town pies were cold. Allegations of ‘pie doping’ were bandied about but eventually we decided to just eat the pies and try and factor the relative warmths into our ratings.

The general consensus was that Lord of the Pies offered greater pie diversity, but the standard Treacle Town meat and potato would have been the finest pie, had it been warm.

We wish we had photos of some or all of the pies to share with you, but we didn’t want to encourage the people we were with. At one point two of them – let’s call them Dave and Alex (because those are their names) – were looking at photographs of pies from a previous pie-off, discussing which pie they had eaten at what time of day and which had been the finest. As they were doing this, they were eating pies.

Between innings, there was a competition where six people got to bowl at a washing machine. If they landed the ball inside the drum, they won a washing machine. No-one managed it. While this was going on, one of the Kwik Cricketers took a blinding catch, palming a full-blooded pull shot straight up into the air before pouching the ball as it came back down.

The match finished early and we went and got the tram. At the end of our journey, we discovered that we were due to have pie for tea. After lodging a formal complaint about this, we drank some wine and fell asleep.

Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk. If it’s a professional match, on no account mention the cricket itself. If it’s an amateur match, feel free to go into excruciating detail.


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  1. That was elegance personified, KC. The way in which you shifted from not talking about the professional cricket, to talking about the amateur cricket? Beautiful.

    1. Way to go, Someone Other Than Ged Who Has Written A Match Report, way to go.

      The Sri Lanka U19 captain Charith Asalanka’s name is an anagram of Hatch a Sri Lanka A. Also, England U19 have a chap by the name of beard. Happy days.

    2. Pro game omissions and amateur game detail: it’s the best of both worlds, Balladeer.

  2. I can envisage the day when you Lankey supporters bring your own throdkins to a match, enabling us to have a “throd-off” with various types of throdkin cookie.

    Now THAT would have real culinary death match potential – last man standing being the chap with the ticker that can cope with all that cholesterol.

  3. What does the Brains Trust of KC commenters reckon to claims that the ECB is talking about a city-based T20 competition ALONGSIDE the current county-based T20 competition.?

    Is that too much T20?

    How would a Birmingham-based team differentiate itself from the Birmingham Bears?

    Would anyone care remotely as much about the Manchester Mackerel against the Leeds Lijaguleps as the would about Yorkshire vs Lancashire?

    Is that too many questions?

    1. Are you sure it isn’t a stalking horse proposition rather than a serious proposal?


      It would be bare Birmingham rather than the Birmingham Bears.



      1. Bare Birmingham, I am informed, would mean ‘a large amount of Birmingham/very Birmingham’ to the kids of today.

        I peronally am not ready for a large amount of Birmingham.

      2. Agreed. Bare Birmingham would be far too much Birmingham.

        We are also now hoping that whatever the next T20 tournament is, it has counties rather than cities. We have reached this conclusion purely on the basis that we are keen to see the Lancashire Lijaguleps and would be jealous if the Leeds Lijaguleps existed and we were reduced to supporting the Manchester Moles.

  4. Everyone, but everyone, was talking about how tripe Sri Lanka were when they came over here, and with good reason. If you flick over to Cricinfo, you can just about see them putting Australia under the pump a bit.

    Yes yes home advantage blah blah blah. The point is that one of Test cricket’s minnow sides is slapping Australia with its tail.

      1. Far be it from me to blame others, Sir, but I think I have been given a bare bum steer by A P Webster.

      2. You’re close.

        It’s usually used as an intensifier. ‘Significantly’ would probably be a reasonable translation, but it’s also used to mean something like ‘loads of’ as well.

      3. What have I done? I thought it would be bare peng to introduce the modern vernacular into the raillery around these parts, but the results are most vexing, even if there remains a healthy level of persiflage.

      4. I did actually have a go at yoof speak the other week at Lord’s, as confessed in my own blog piece *spoiler alert – mentions cricket*:


        It didn’t go well.

        Tonight I am meeting up with my old yoof club people, which should be helpful. Not that any of us are yoof any more, of course. Indeed one of our number is now a granny, which is a bit of a worry. But two of our number teach in secondary schools, so should be familiar with the lingo and ideally suited to the task of instructing me.

        I should be bare sick at chuntering yoof-wise by the end of the evening.

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