England v New Zealand 2013 Test awards

Posted by
2 minute read

Probably should have exercised a little editorial restraint with that last post and gone straight to this one instead. Then again, what’s the internet for if not for failing to exercise editorial restraint?

Here are some awards.

Ploddiest bastard

The ploddiest bastard award recognises the batsman who played the most bar-filling innings. There were a few contenders with England’s entire first innings at Lord’s worthy of a team award, while Neil Wagner’s unbeaten nought not out off 37 balls in the second Test was an unfinished masterpiece. However, this award goes to Nick Compton for his unspectacular seven off 45 balls in the second Test. This case study in self-imposed mental paralysis was made all the more striking for being played while the famously uninhibited Alastair Cook was making a 63-ball 50 against the same bowling.

Biggest sociopath

This award recognises profound antisocial behaviour on the cricket field and it goes to Jonathan Trott for his batting on the fourth evening of the second Test. His 11 not out off 69 balls while England were looking to increase the run-rate ahead of an inevitable declaration showed quite staggering disregard for the feelings of his captain, coach, team-mates, fans and indeed pretty much everyone on earth. It was marvellous stuff.

Crappest shot

We’d probably go with Nick Compton’s deranged slog in the first innings of the first Test. Block, block, leave, block, HEAVE LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO SLAUGHTER A DEMON FROM HELL WITH ONE CRUSHING BLOW, walk off the pitch looking a little bit ashamed.

Thanks for coming

Martin Guptill. Followed one off five balls with three off 22 balls. No wonder they gave him a bowl in between. Those five overs went for 41.

Living the cliché

Recognising the player who made it most difficult to avoid using tired, overused phrases to describe them. Neil Wagner gets this award for his bustling fast-medium bowling. He just kept on running in.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Probably should have come up with a name for these awards. That title’s pretty insipid.

    1. Alex Bowden anagrams to Waxed Noble. But then again, it also rearranges to Dean Blow Ex.

      On balance, I don’t think I’ll trust this fellow.

    2. Not specific to cricket. Sounds exactly like my abortive attempt to attend the Daytona 500 last year. NASCAR? What was I thinking?

      Still, drying the track with pickups towing jet engines trumps anything a supersopper can do.

Comments are closed.