England v New Zealand, Bristol one-day international match report

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Mel writes:

The scene was set. Both sides had prepared for battle. The protagonists eyed each other with a sense of anticipation – who would triumph today? I talk not of the 22 men in pyjamas, but of a far more absorbing contest.

Crowd v Stewards.

Lengthy delay at security check meant many people missed the first ten overs. 0 – 1.

Your correspondent was told that she could not use her camera as it looked ‘too professional’ (it is not). 0 – 2

Crowd begin construction of several beer glass towers, all of which were confiscated by the Stewards 0 – 3

Semi-streaker (wearing a pair of old baggy boxer shorts) leaps onto the pitch and cavorts to the delight of the Crowd. 1 – 3

Semi-streaker apprehended by Stewards and led away as Loudspeaker Man announced that we are all very naughty and if it happens again we will be kept in after school and forced to listen to Geoff Boycott talking us through his 100 favourite innings. 1 – 4

Crowd ignore this warning and a streaker (this time sans undies) leaps onto the pitch and executes a couple of perfect sliding stops to avoid capture. 2 – 4

A Mexican wave erupts with the air filled with torn-up scorecards, beer carriers and copies of the Telegraph Sport. The Stewards look on helplessly. 3 – 4

An inflatable crocodile, football, tomato and banana appear and are tossed around the crowd – the Stewards again are powerless to prevent such anarchy. 4 – 4

An inflatable pink ball lands on the outfield and a kindly, helpful gentleman climbs over and retrieves it before it interferes with play. Stewards promptly escort said kindly, helpful gentlemen from the ground. 4 – 5

Crowd erupts in a cacophony of boos and call the paternity of the particular Steward into question. 5 – 5

Common sense prevails and the kindly, helpful gentleman is allowed back to his seat and afforded a hero’s welcome from the crowd. He was even asked for his autograph.

6 – 5, and a last minute win for The Crowd.

A far more exciting, action-packed and eventful contest than that taking place on the pitch.


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  1. You forgot the surreptitious but successful taking of photographs from under cagoule – ya boo sucks to the stewards. 7-5!

  2. Just like David Bailey!

    How come there are never any female streakers nowadays?

  3. I feel for the semi streaker. I hate it when you go out, decide on a whim that you want to semi streak, and realise that you’ve got your worst pants on.

  4. Miriam, I’m suddenly very glad we didn’t get to meet at that county game earlier in the year.

  5. Think men have very different view to women on what consitutes “worst pants” Miriam. They were probably his lucky pants too.

    And the Arse-Cam group are very grateful to Mel for the smuggled “professional” camera and its pinpoint accurate snapping

  6. No experience of actual semi-streaking, because the desire to semi-streak has never coincided with a good-pant-day. A bit like how you never pull when you’re in your best pants.

  7. Am I the only one to giggle childishly at Miriam feeling for the semi streaker?

  8. Respect on the – told that she could not use her camera as it looked ‘too professional’ point scored. I now have camera envy – mine is not professional either and no one ever bats so much as an eyelid!

  9. Were there ever any female streakers at cricket matches? Women never ever go to cricket! The Durham Allstarzz were decidedly cheeky on the outfield during the recent twenty20 season, mind!

  10. things most people didnt see;
    1) the man at the top of the stand that couldn’t wait for the toilet and pissed of the back onto another crowd member that was walking by.
    2) the man that had his beer spilt and then started a fight with a man and his son, got thrown into a van by the response team and then got done for hitting a police officer.
    3) both streakers were arrested and banned from all future internationals
    4) and finaly all the alcahol that was taken from people on entry to the ground didnt go to waste like everyone was told

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