The scene was set. Both sides had prepared for battle. The protagonists eyed each other with a sense of anticipation – who would triumph today? I talk not of the 22 men in pyjamas, but of a far more absorbing contest.
Crowd v Stewards.
Lengthy delay at security check meant many people missed the first ten overs. 0 – 1.
Your correspondent was told that she could not use her camera as it looked ‘too professional’ (it is not). 0 – 2
Crowd begin construction of several beer glass towers, all of which were confiscated by the Stewards 0 – 3
Semi-streaker (wearing a pair of old baggy boxer shorts) leaps onto the pitch and cavorts to the delight of the Crowd. 1 – 3
Semi-streaker apprehended by Stewards and led away as Loudspeaker Man announced that we are all very naughty and if it happens again we will be kept in after school and forced to listen to Geoff Boycott talking us through his 100 favourite innings. 1 – 4
Crowd ignore this warning and a streaker (this time sans undies) leaps onto the pitch and executes a couple of perfect sliding stops to avoid capture. 2 – 4
A Mexican wave erupts with the air filled with torn-up scorecards, beer carriers and copies of the Telegraph Sport. The Stewards look on helplessly. 3 – 4
An inflatable crocodile, football, tomato and banana appear and are tossed around the crowd – the Stewards again are powerless to prevent such anarchy. 4 – 4
An inflatable pink ball lands on the outfield and a kindly, helpful gentleman climbs over and retrieves it before it interferes with play. Stewards promptly escort said kindly, helpful gentlemen from the ground. 4 – 5
Crowd erupts in a cacophony of boos and call the paternity of the particular Steward into question. 5 – 5
Common sense prevails and the kindly, helpful gentleman is allowed back to his seat and afforded a hero’s welcome from the crowd. He was even asked for his autograph.
6 – 5, and a last minute win for The Crowd.
A far more exciting, action-packed and eventful contest than that taking place on the pitch.