England v West Indies Twenty20 international match report

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Sam writes:

We were moving house. Or rather, we had already moved house, and now we were back in the old house for a day of cleaning, painting, sorting and tidying. It was not going to be fun.

On arrival, we got down to business in the bedroom (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more). We filled in the holes caused by so many picture hooks with Polyfilla.

We hoovered the carpet, which made absolutely no difference. We shifted the wardrobes, finding all manner of filth, grime and bugs behind. Bugs as in creepy crawlies – don’t misunderstand me, we were not being monitored by the secret police. As far as we know.

The radio was on. My other half was listening to the Spanish Grand Prix. That finished, and the cricket started. I was tackling the oven. The horror. I had to use a cleaning solution so toxic that the cloth I was holding literally disintegrated in front of my very eyes. Sludge, bilge and slime oozed through my Marigold clad fingers.

I shifted the fridge – a fridge which had not budged an inch in the two years we lived there, and who knows how long before – terrified at what I might find. The reality was not too bad. Some broken bits of pasta. A couple of knives. And the remnants of night after night of hastily prepared meals for two.

Back to the bedroom to finish the job (ooh err, how’s your father, etc etc). The ceiling was looking a bit mouldy. We decided to paint it. After a few brush strokes of “pure white” matt, I realised this was a big mistake. But I ploughed on, inspired by the sound of Viv Richards using the phrase “this particular individual” far too much.

My socks were wet, dirty and smelly. I had paint in my hair and all over my clothes. My spirit was broken. I had reached the limit.

The end came soon enough. I will forever remember the moment. My girlfriend, sat cross-legged in the bathroom, her hand down the toilet up to her elbow, turned to me and asked: “Who is this Alex Hales?”


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Exquisite, Sam. Pathos,tension, innuendo and not a single ball of the cricket viewed, let along reported on.

  2. Excellent report, Sam. There’s another England international today. Do you and your girlfriend have more business to get down to in the bedroom? Will you stay till it’s done this time, or nip out to get some rubber gloves on and return to finish off like you did before?

  3. Bert – we’re actually in Birmingham today hoping to catch some action. There’s a lot of moisture around though and it looks like they might have trouble getting things started.

  4. “Bugs as in creepy crawlies – don’t misunderstand me, we were not being monitored by the secret police. As far as we know.”

    well you would say that

  5. Excellent match report sam.

    But the mention of Viv Richards saying “this particular individual” on commentary felt like a wee bit too much detail on the cricket for my liking.

    Not a breach of the rules, I realise, but not to my personal taste.

    1. We feel that Viv’s use of the word “individual” is an issue which is being brushed under the carpet.

      We therefore applaud Sam for bringing it to wider attention. We need to discuss these things, not ignore them.

    2. I’m all for discussing the individual issue and indeed other such issues.

      Openness and transparency, those are my mottos.

      But in a KC match report?

      And that’s to ignore sam’s rather unfortunate mention of one particular individual, Alex Hales.

      Regulation and standards, those are also my mottos.

    3. If the individual responsible for this match report chose to mention that particular individual then he is merely hinting at the cricket, not explicitly mentioning it.

    4. As I said, KC, I realise not a breach of the rules, but not to the personal taste of this particular individual – me!


      I can be a particular individual. I feel all Higgs-Boson particular now – massive.

  6. It’s 4th July here, across the pond, it seems a good day to confirm a sighting of Hogg’s bison. It’s difficult to get details so I’m not sure if it’s the Aussie or Lancs version.

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