Essex win Friends Provident Trophy

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Rob Key - he's been to PerthBit disappointing that lots of southern Africans hit runs and pretty much nobody English did. Bit disappointing that Rob Key didn’t get to celebrate.

Rob’s had a lot of near-misses this season, what with this, the Twenty20 Cup and his being mentioned regarding the England captaincy. Near misses are still misses though and Rob needs some hits.

Perhaps he should talk up his winters in Perth. England’s selectors are suckers for an exotic cricketing education. Tell them you were born abroad and they think you know some secret that will make you good at cricket. Tell them you were born in East Dulwich and they sigh and think: ‘He’s one of us. He doesn’t have the secret knowledge.’

Rob does have the secret knowledge. He has so much secret knowledge. He knows how to levitate, he knows where the Holy Grail is and he knows how to repel slugs in the garden without recourse to chemicals.


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  1. He knew to bowl Robbie Joseph from the Pavillion End.

    That was good. Almost match-winningly good.

    Although opting to bring on a bolding fat bloke for a jillion overs at the other end was less inspired.

    I bet Pattinson wouldn’t have done that. He’d have given himself the ball and taken the Trophy.

  2. With slugs, the best thing (or so I am told) is to pour the dregs of any unfinished lager/beer into bowls. The slugs (presumably being recovering alcoholics) willl be inorexably drawn to the beer, but once they get there, they will die of drunkeness (possibly not of drunkeness).

    A more humane use of this would be to use the smell of the beer to draw the slugs to a certain area, away from your precious plants.

    I think Rob would go for the latter, as he strikes me as a humane type of chap. He certainly wouldn’t pour salt on the little fellas, causing an excruciating death by osmosis – that’s more a Matthew Hayden slug-repellant tactic.

    Matthew Hayden probably doesn’t need chemicals to repel anything, though, being as he is, repellent in and of himself.

  3. It could, your Madge, be one of those cans people bring to parties, containing noxious gaseous stuff on special at Asda (or is it just us who have cheap’n’tasteless friends?)

  4. I wouldn’t want you all to get the impression I don’t finish my beer – but I do have some acquaintances who sometimes leave something in the bottom of their cans.

    Also, I do have standards – Carling is slug-fodder in my book.

  5. In my house it’s Kronenbourg, Grolsch, and Peroni, none of which I want to use on slugs.

    Although – hang on – I don’t have a garden.

  6. We do have garden space but no slug problem as the Council has killed all the nice slug magnet plants! Perhaps for the best – we are spirits drinkers! But how is the good Captain Key with clothes moths – we have 3 different species chomping their way through all things cloth right now! Help!

  7. He knows what to do SixSixEight, but it’s secret. He might let you know if he gets selected for England. But only then.

  8. 668:NotB: Go old school and stink out your cupboards with some naphalene (moth balls). I’m not sure how available it is these days to the general public (might be carcinogenic, but then so it bottled water)…

  9. I second Sarah’s pah! I’m sure Rob Key was luring the chavs into a false sense of security, but forgot to tell the rest of the team.

  10. Ne – we have the bastard hard moths from hell! [666 really isn’t that far away!]. We have so many mothballs I can hear the cancer wards calling now! So positive vibes for the selectors now – only Captain Key can solve this.

  11. you have to take everything out of wherever it is stored, shake it out on to a sheet, then wash it (EVERYTHING). that kills them. generally, the more you can move things around, the better.

    anyway, that’s how you deal with essex. not sure what to do about moths…

  12. For a minute there I thought you were seriously suggesting I should wash my gannet!

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