Surrey v Middlesex Friends Provident Trophy match report

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If you attend a cricket match this season, please send us a match report. Our submission guidelines are ever-so-straightforward: on no account mention the actual cricket.

Miriam opens the season’s reporting:

I went to this match after church (yes, how very English of me). Having heard so much about him, I was extremely disappointed that Dirty Dirk Nannes wasn’t in the playing 11.

Because of the building work at the Oval, the members were housed in the OCS stand, which I like because it has comfy seats and nice toilets. The toilets have an automatic soap dispenser with a sensor – you just hold your hand under it and it dispenses a measure of soap. You only need to do this another four times and then you have enough soap.

Hot drinks were available for free in the John Major Room, which was very nice, but I really think that they should do barbecues on that little terrace next to the room. If they then got some decent beer in they’d be on to something.

The men I was sitting near had ABSOLUTELY no idea how Duckworth–Lewis worked. They also weren’t sure whether the DL score was the score to win, or to draw. I wanted to say “neither was Shaun Pollock”, but I was a little bit afraid of them.

A lady at the bar said that my hair was beautiful, and touched it without my permission. I didn’t mind too much, though, as I’d actually thought I was having a bad hair day.

I think I was the only person in the crowd wearing pink, and I’m not even a Middlesex fan!

During the rain delay, I got a chicken pie. I wasn’t going to get a pie, but by that stage they were reduced to £1 and it turns out that I AM in fact price-sensitive when it comes to pies.

Also, I lost an earring. So if anyone finds a white pearl 7.5mm stud, it’s mine.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. What a thoroughly satisfactory report by Miriam. It would seem to mirror the photos sent to me by a friend who went with a group of Ramprakash admirers to the same match. There are 50 odd photos – of the ladies wrapped in stout coats swigging gin out of water bottles; cricketers doing stretching exercises – Middlesex in fetching pink, Surrey in shitey brown; Andrew Strauss stripping off his top (sadly he was wearing another top underneath); Ramps walking down the steps and in a remarkably short space of time, walking up them again; a large number of shots of Ed Joyce’s rear and a series of Ramps signing autographs whilst being squawked at by gin-laded admirers. There was just one picture of a Surrey player in action with the caption “Some bloke bowling”.

  2. Ceci has kindly asked if I would agree to submit my top cricketing photos to your good self. Please therefore find below the alcoholic Rampants (hidden behind rather spiffy hats to protect their identity – and our future friendship):

    …the gin and wine enlivened up the proceedings no end, although the cricket novices amongst us did get rather confused at this point:

  3. Top photo-age!

    If only my crickety efforts were half as good.

    This summer, I might not get to see any international cricket AT ALL. NZ touring’s all a bit of a disappointment, after getting to see B.U.S. tonk it around at Headingley two seasons ago, and then Lord Megachief Of Gold singlehandedly defying England last time round.

    Ho hum.

  4. What? No cats? How is that possible? All my plans to sneak into lords for the next Ashes ruined. What about iguanas?

  5. Thanks Miriam, I’m pleased to hear that cricket-realted Pie Demand is price-elastic (at least if you’re not Rob Key or Darren Lehmann).

  6. Rob Key and Lehmann are both responsible for the initial high pricing strategy of pie sellers at cricket matches. The sellers price the pies hoping to cash in on rotund players splashing their cash. Us poor folk have to wait for the bulky batsmen to finish up and we get whats left at a fair price.

  7. Ceci / Mel – beautiful pictures, although more of Ed Joyce’s rear next time please.

    Jrod, I give you a link to your site and you moan about the lack of cats. Honestly, there’s just no pleasing some people.

    A P Webster / Dada – the pie was, actually, delicious, especially on such a cold day, but I’m not sure whether that was because I was able to buy it with the shrapnel at the bottom of my handbag, so I am undecided as to whether I’d pay full price for one next time.

    Lemon Bella, they never searched my bag / person so next time I might try taking in a kitten. Not a big cat, I won’t go straight in with a big cat – I’ll work up to that.

    Also, I’ve ordered a replacement earring so you can all stop looking for my lost one and get some sleep, but thanks for your efforts.

  8. My mother once smuggled a baby sparrow into work with her…even managed to keep it in her handbag while she had a meeting.

    Little sis and I had rescued the poor little thing from some local youths and taken it home. It bonded with mother, who named it Jessica (we guessed that it was a girl sparrow), and it used to sit on her shoulder, chirping away merrily, while she did the cooking/ironing/whatever.

    Unfortunately, we never got Jess to eat more than bread soaked in milk. We tried worms, but they just didn’t work. And she never learnt to fly. Unfortunately, she died.

    Hopefully the RSPCA won’t prosecute.

    This post is sponsored by Bavarian smoked beer. It’s beer, but it smells like cheese. Weirdly tasty.

  9. Mahinda I’m disappointed that your mother didn’t fashion herself a pair of mechanised wings, and then take flight through the meadows with little Jessica finally finding her wings and flying beside her.

  10. In some parallel universe, that probably did happen. Along with me hitting a blazing century against England in the World Cup Final.

  11. Shame your blazing World Cup final century wasn’t as quick as our blazing World Cup final century.

    Our eight wickets helped too. You missed a straight one, incidentally.

  12. I thought my slip catching was pretty special on that day too.

    C Suave B King Cricket.

    8 times… Never happened before, likely it’ll never happen again.

    I also think my middle order smash of 96 from 16 balls, really sealed the day.

    Ah, the good old days.

  13. You’ve got to admit it was pretty close, though, with Mims bowling some absolutely unplayable spin through the middle of the innings. 10-5-13-4 were pretty special figures.

  14. Yes, I tied the Englishmen up good and proper, Mahinda, which remains my special skill to this day. Since then some doubt has been cast on my action, mainly by jealous rivals, and there remain those who say that I took too many cheap wickets who put up too little resistance, but those were happy happy days.

  15. I’d just like to chip in at this point and say that lovely Bobby Key has apparently refrained from pie consumption over the winter. He’s looking decidedly trim. Strange but true.

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