Kent v Nottinghamshire County Championship match report

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With a bonus Kent v Essex in the Friends Provident Trophy match report thrown in ABSOLUTELY FREE.

This continues this week’s theme of our not really writing anything. How long can we keep it up?

Lemon Bella writes:

Myself and Indian Skimmer saw our first matches of the season this weekend.


On Friday we travelled down to the St Lawrence ground to watch the third day of the Championship match against Notts.

We discovered that the coffee machine in the members’ lounge has been changed to an inferior brand and the coffee is now horrible. This is yet another example of the game’s administrators being out of touch with grass roots fans. Moreover, they’ve moved the machine to behind the bar, so we have to talk to someone whenever we want a cup.

Ryan McLaren ate a crumpet at tea time. We didn’t have crumpets. We just had to sit there in the cold with our horrible tasting coffee. Next time, we’re asking Ryan McLaren for a bite of his crumpet.

Yasir Arafat didn’t bat because he had suspected appendicitis. We didn’t believe him because that’s the kind of lie we used to tell to get out of PE lessons at school. He was fine by Sunday, so that proves our suspicions.


On the final day of the Championship match we went to the zoo because we didn’t want to sit in the rain for six hours to watch Kent fail to defend 22 runs.

Instead, we walked around in the rain for six hours and saw a lot of animals hiding in their shelters. We got flapped at by an ostrich and bought a soft toy of an African Hunting Dog.

Here is a picture of Nella the African Hunting Dog being indifferent to a video of South Africa playing Australia.

Perhaps secretly watching in an unseen mirror?

At first we thought that maybe he was only indifferent because he’d seen the game before, but we tested him again and his indifference only increased. This is him failing to inspect the pitch in Indian Skimmer’s back garden.

He hasn't even brought his keys


Before the Friends Provident match on Sunday we wandered around Canterbury for 20 minutes trying to find somewhere to buy a newspaper. Everywhere was closed, even WHSmiths. When we got to the ground, Andre Nel had a newspaper, so the Essex team must have stopped at a service station on the way.

Martin Van Jaarsveld scored a century. At breakfast, our B&B owner had told us he would do, but we didn’t believe him. From now on we will listen to his every psychic word. He makes really good poached eggs, so that only bolsters his credibility.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. He reads The Daily RAGE.

    Don’t try and find a pun in that, by the way. There isn’t one.

  2. We only mentioned the century because it gave us an opportunity to talk about the poached eggs. That’s allowed.

  3. I can confidently say I haven’t seen any actual cricket today – but I have seen Mel’s pictures of Notts versus a bunch of student layabouts. 55 pics, 25 of them of Notts playing football till the pitch dried out and celebebrating in true chavvvy style on goal-scoring, 2 pictures of trees in case Getty come asking for her to be stock photographer, and 28 of various blokes bowling in the background, with Graeme Swann and his arse fielding at slip in the foreground. I think there may be a pattern there.

  4. The B&B owner says M van J will get a century.

    M van J gets a century.

    MATCH FIXING. The B&B is just a front through which to launder the money.

  5. Thinking about it, they do always seem slightly put out when I turn up to stay there,

    Next time I’m asking them to fix it so Kent win

  6. Lemon Bella I think your best bet is the Kent – NZ game.You never know, the non-IPL Kiwis may be looking to make a few quid.

  7. I was at every day of the Notts match, including the 25 minutes of play on Saturday AND Sunday. It was bloody freezing at times. And yes the coffee is rubbish.

    *taps nose as has insider knowledge*:

    The best coffee is the cappucino from the machine just inside the Academy, and it’s only 50p. Bonus.

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