Kamran Akmal’s back

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< 1 minute read

Sexyyyy - nothing about you is sexyyyy

As in ‘returned’. He hasn’t got ankylosing spondylitis or anything.

Or has he? Actually, that would explain a lot. Lack of core mobility would probably have an impact on catching ability and could potentially give rise to the level of pan-handed buffoonery exhibited by Kamran Akmal.

Actually, on second thoughts, no-one’s back’s THAT bad.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Seeing Kamran Akmal in action, I was moved to write a terrible poem on Jarrod’s site years ago – seems appropriate now that he’s back.

    Kamran! Kamran!

    Kamran, Kamran, turning white
    Behind the stumps, day and night
    So crappy are your hand and eye
    Enough to make any skipper cry.

    In what distant deeps or skies
    Did you learn to concede byes?
    When the ball went near the rope
    Did you cry? Or did you hope?

    Is that metal? Or a body part?
    How can you be such a giant fart?
    Not a little remorse did you feign
    When you dropped Hussey yet again.

    Screw the stumps! Screw the bails!
    You enjoy watching ‘em bite their nails
    Even after the agony and pain
    You never train, you never complain.

    When the captain laid bare his fears
    And watered the pitch with his tears
    All you did was point with glee
    That he could instead try to pee.

    Kamran, Kamran, turning white
    Behind the stumps, in the night
    So crappy are your hand and eye
    Enough to make any skipper cry.

  2. woh, where did that hover caption come from? The one on the last post was more your style

    1. It’s a twist on the lyrics to a bad song once sung by Kevin Pietersen’s missus.

      We know that’s not a particularly obvious or meaningful reference, but hey.

  3. The only way I would rate this man as a keeper would be if he confessed to receiving vast sums of money from shady bookmakers.
    Since there is no evidence that this is the case, I can only conclude he is in fact terrible at his job and would likely struggle to hold his place behind the stumps in Bert Junior’s under 11s side.

    1. To be fair, as a 30-year-old man, he’d struggle to hold down a place in any under-11s side.

  4. To me he is a good player and i think he will now better than before because he got a chance to play again in PK team.

    1. That’s an interesting view, Sports Betting. Would you care to expand on your reasoning?

    2. Your starter for 10…why would someone called “Sports Betting” want Kamran Akmal back in the Pakistan team?

  5. We hadn’t seen your “ankylosing spondylitis” joke for some time, KC. Thank you for slipping it in again.

    I hope Kamran Akmmal has a thick skin. Not that I think he might be susceptible to necrotising fasciitis or anything like that, but he does seem to be the Salman/Ijaz (Butt) of many jokes of the strong meat variety.

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