Kamran Akmal helps Ross Taylor to a hundred

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Pakistan’s last five overs went for 100, largely thanks to Ross Taylor. Earlier in his innings, Taylor had been given a couple of lives by – who else – Kamran Akmal.

Kamran Akmal amazes us. We hope he never goes away. You’d think the ability to catch might be an entry requirement for wicketkeepers – particularly international ones – yet Akmal seems to have footballs made of ice instead of hands – slippery, round, smooth things wholly unsuited to capturing a lofted cricket ball.

Asking Kamran Akmal to keep wicket is like asking a clouded leopard to look after your chickens while you’re on holiday. Day one, he comes round and he scatters some grain for them. Day two, he comes round and he scatters some grain for them. Day three, he comes round and he scatters some grain for them. Then he stops.

‘Hang on,’ he asks himself. ‘Am I a clouded leopard?’ He takes a look down at himself and sees a distinctive cloud-like pattern. ‘That proves nothing,’ he thinks, eyeing the chickens. ‘Although then again, I do have powerful legs equipped with rotating rear ankles that allow me to safely climb downwards in a head-first posture, much like a common squirrel.’

‘Sod it,’ he says. ‘I am going to eat those chickens.’

You see, it’s not that Kamran Akmal isn’t trying. He’s just doing a job for which he is entirely unsuited.


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  1. I had the wrong glasses on and read children instead of chickens but I did get your point in the end.

    And you are right he is very trying and better wear lots of body armour because sooner or later one of the bowlers will lose it or that enraged commentator will –
    is he still there because of his brother?

  2. Did you know Kamran Akmal anagrams to Ran Makak Lam?
    Now you do.

    That was only marginally more efficient than the man’s keeping.

  3. Fan: Kamran, is it true you break wind professionally?
    Akmal: What are you talking about?
    Fan: I was told you get paid every time you drop one.

  4. I’m concerned that because the less-than-optimal Pakistan side showed up to face NewZillun, Australia will now have to face the decent Pakistan side. nb Less-than-optimal and decent sides composed of substantially the same players. That goes for Australia as well.

  5. There is an easy ‘out’ for Pakistan.

    Get him to share a room with Shoab. Get them to share everything – ‘warts and all’ as it were.

    The problem would solve itself. Within a week he’d be on a plane home and an emergency replacement could be flown in with the ICC’s blessing.

  6. I wonder whether or not the PCB occasionally find themselves thinking about Zulqarnain Haider and absentmindedly muttering “you know what, I really wish we hadn’t completely shafted him like we did”.

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