Middlesex v Gloucestershire County Championship match report

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Quick recap of our submission guidelines for match reports:

(1) Don’t mention the cricket.

Ged Ladd writes:

The weather forecast for day three had looked far from promising all week and so waking up to rain and a dismal forecast came as a disappointment but no surprise.

My guest, Charley “The Gent” Malloy and I had a contingency plan. We’d go about our own business in the morning, then meet for a late dim sum lunch at The Royal China on Queensway, to be followed by a cursory weather inspection.

My morning passed swiftly, as did a very tasty dim sum lunch. A special duck cheung fun was probably my highlight, although I also particularly liked the prawn with coriander dumpling, the fried pork bun and the spicy chickens’ feet.

We emerged from Royal China to the very enticing sight of sunshine. “Is it possible?” we asked each other. How often do cricket nuts phone the ‘prospects of play’ line to find out what’s going on? We thought 15 minute intervals was suitably restrained.

At 4.05pm we learnt that the umpires had inspected and would inspect again at 4.30pm. The radar picture looked encouraging. We left.

Just one problem – Charley loves the pavilion but, expecting no play, had come out without a tie. Charley always admires my ties, which then turn out to be ones that my mum has given me. So it simply had to be one of mum’s choices.

Play was scheduled to start at 5pm, so we got ourselves some drinks in the upper terrace bar and took up prime seats under the south canopy of the sun deck.

A flurry of rain at 4.45pm and the hover cover returned. Then out came the roller as they started up the hover cover again to remove it.

I decided to count the crowd from where we were sitting. I ignored a few hospitality boxes. Upper Compo six, Mound three, Tavern six, Warner one. I couldn’t see the Allen Stand.

There were seven pigeons clustered about four pitches north of the Test strip. I realised, given my spectator count, that that was the largest spectator cluster other than members and hospitality boxes. The seven pigeons seemed to be walking in along with the fielders.

Soon the rain returned, but as far as we were concerned, 40 minutes of cricket had been better than none. So it was farewell to Charley “The Gent” Malloy, who wandered off into the distance before I realised that he was still wearing that tie my mum gave me.


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  1. Surely no “Gent” would pilfer a tie given to you by your dear old mum?
    Charley “The Bounder” Malloy more like. That or “The Cad”.

    hmmm. No, I’m going to stick with “The Bounder”.

    Let Charley “The Bounder” (nee “The Gent”) Malloy that he is a Bounder from me will you.

  2. Not sure i like this Malloy. Dodgy.

    And the pigeons seemed indifferent to being indifferent – they were wholly engaged with the game – so they seem a little superfluous to the report.

    Top work otherwise Ladd.

  3. Ceci – KC edited out a key fact, which is that we retired to my flat to make the phone calls between lunch and Lord’s – I live quite close to HQ. However, I like your “spare mum-donated tie for emergencies” idea and shall carry one with me when I am in the City during the day and hoping to get to Lord’s for the last hour or so of play.

    I attach a link to the unabridged version of this report, on MTWD, but must warn readers that there are references to the cricket contained in the unabridged version:


    Good call on Charley “The Gent” Malloy being a dodgy bounder; not his real name of course, our Charley, who comes from Romford (say no more) has acquired the name of Rod Steiger’s character from “On The Waterfront”. Here’s a link to a photo (of Steiger and Brando, not our Charley)


    In defence of our Charley, when my mum stopped laughing at the story she told me that it would only be polite to tell Charley to keep the tie. Which I did. But Charley insisted that he should return the tie. To date, the tie remains with Charley.

    You may continue to form your own views.

  4. Given that you associate with bounders, I’m worrying about what “going about [your] own business in the morning” entailed.

  5. I believe Ged,that you also assocciate with one or two other disreputable characters,paticularly in the Bowler’s Bar and The Upper Tier.
    You should know that a gentleman is known by the company he keeps,and perhapds you need to give some thought to the dubious reputation of some whom you hang out with.
    A friend.

  6. I think i have only seen women wearing ties, in Italian chain reteraunts like Bella Pasta or such like, maybe his Mum does some a bit of waitressing.

    Ive never met a cad or a bounder i feel like my life is missing out.

  7. Air stewardess wear sort-of ties, depending on their particular carrier.

    Do you get cheap flights Ged?

  8. No, mum doesn’t wear ties, although she did wear the trousers in my parents marriage, but that’s another story!

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