The incompetence deception – England’s greatest ruse

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Truly, it is the best of times. England have hit upon a quite brilliant ploy whereby they disguise themselves as a crap team and yet still win Test series. Expectations remain low, meaning every win is a glorious and uplifting surprise for fans.

After the fourth day’s play, Rob Key was keen for England to play positively and go for an unlikely win. Bob Willis thought it would be wiser to block the shit out of it for the day. The team took a third path. They decided to fold like an OS map.

What possible purpose could this serve? Well by playing so badly in what is after all a dead rubber, they are hoodwinking future opponents into believing them to be a fragile side. They did the same against Australia, don’t forget.

Series won. Reputation intact.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Helps keep a lot of players unsure of their place.

    Not sure if that is good or bad.

    Raises the hopes of those currently outside the team that they might get called up.

    Not sure if that is good or bad either.

      1. More like Alex SAILS off into the sunset.

        More like Alex PALES in comparison to other opening batsmen.

        More like Alex WAILS at the gulf in class between county cricket and Test cricket.

      2. More like Alex HALES is going to get dropped for not being good enough.

        Am I doing this right?

      3. But who are they going to get in to replace him? Adam DIVE? Mark LEAVHIMALONEMAN? Sam JOGSON?

        Let’s face it: England just have a great big bunch of no-hopeners at the moment.

      4. ‘No-hopeners’ could really catch on in the current climate. Use it more. We’ll help.

      1. CROOK, A (c)
        FAILS, A
        WANTON, N
        CRAPSHOOT, J
        FAILURE, J
        DON’T CARESTOW, J (+)
        CHOKES, B
        WALLY, M
        CHOKES, C
        FRAUD, S

      2. James Shamderson sounds EXACTLY the same as James Anderson when said out loud after a few G&Ts.


      3. Same here, Sam. Every day for the last ten years. And all anyone ever does is point out the typos.

      4. That’s harsh on fellows like Sam and KC, people, cut them some slack.

        It’s not as if they are the sort of people who actually make their living from writing. In those circumstances, then of course you’d be entitled to give them the full tilt bird for typographical misdemean…

        …hold on a second…

  2. Bairstow(with best domestic average) batting at no7 seems to be a luxury for England
    But then you realize that top3 are cant drive Hales, untouchable Cook, and freezes under pressure Compton, then it makes sense & seems like it is even a necessity.

    For every catch & missed stumping by Bairstow the excess made by the reprieved batsman should be debited against Cook, Compton & Hales using some proportional sharing formula.

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