We ate some sauerkraut last night and there was something not quite right about it. We’ve not had the jar all that long and sauerkraut keeps, so it’s a bit weird.
Most of you will have reached the obvious conclusion upon hearing this news. Clearly someone, somewhere, is so impatient to find out who will win the County Championship, they have gone to the trouble of developing a tool that can accelerate time.
Fortunately, whoever it is hasn’t yet worked out how to operate the tool properly, but these random pockets of accelerated time could be problematic. Imagine your new jeans suddenly develop the old jeans hole that you always get in that weird spot. Imagine a baby with a beard and grey hair. IMAGINE AN UNEXPECTEDLY COLD CUP OF TEA.
Whoever’s responsible for accelerating time like this, please be patient. Even if you’re a ghost and don’t care about humans whatsoever, it’s still in your interests to wait. You might be stuck on earth for eternity and that’s a really long time. You should welcome a bit of county cricket tension. It’s something to be savoured, not rushed through like a set of adverts featuring the Gillette Fusion Proglide Challenge ad with that irritating, whooping man in it.
Join us. Revel in this experience. Will Steven Croft and Luke ‘VVS’ Proctor be able to secure maximum batting points for Lancashire? Will Rikki Clarke and Boyd Rankin be able to dismiss Hampshire? Why not sit back with a nice big bowl of sauerkraut and wait to find out instead of meddling with the fabric of existence, like a complete arsehole?