We all have to wait for the County Championship to be decided

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2 minute read

Sauerkraut keeps for ages - that's why it was created

We ate some sauerkraut last night and there was something not quite right about it. We’ve not had the jar all that long and sauerkraut keeps, so it’s a bit weird.

Most of you will have reached the obvious conclusion upon hearing this news. Clearly someone, somewhere, is so impatient to find out who will win the County Championship, they have gone to the trouble of developing a tool that can accelerate time.

Fortunately, whoever it is hasn’t yet worked out how to operate the tool properly, but these random pockets of accelerated time could be problematic. Imagine your new jeans suddenly develop the old jeans hole that you always get in that weird spot. Imagine a baby with a beard and grey hair. IMAGINE AN UNEXPECTEDLY COLD CUP OF TEA.

Whoever’s responsible for accelerating time like this, please be patient. Even if you’re a ghost and don’t care about humans whatsoever, it’s still in your interests to wait. You might be stuck on earth for eternity and that’s a really long time. You should welcome a bit of county cricket tension. It’s something to be savoured, not rushed through like a set of adverts featuring the Gillette Fusion Proglide Challenge ad with that irritating, whooping man in it.

Join us. Revel in this experience. Will Steven Croft and Luke ‘VVS’ Proctor be able to secure maximum batting points for Lancashire? Will Rikki Clarke and Boyd Rankin be able to dismiss Hampshire? Why not sit back with a nice big bowl of sauerkraut and wait to find out instead of meddling with the fabric of existence, like a complete arsehole?


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. You wouldn’t catch me eating that sort of pickled food at a time like this.

    Pickled food can most certainly accelerate time in highly undesirable intestinal ways.

    It’s squeaky bum time, KC and you are eating pickled food? Get with the project.

  2. At the end of play today we won’t know who will be County Champions, but we will know who won’t be and if Warwickshire haven’t taken ten wickets we will know that it will be them that won’t be.

    1. “…if Lancashire don’t win…”

      I think I see the source of your confusion. You don’t see that a team needing 300 more runs with six wickets left PLUS ten wicks for not so many tomorrow is necessarily a shoo-in for the win. Well I can’t help you there.

  3. Lancs top the table now – fifth batting point with two balls to spare! Warwickshire took the fourth wicket soon after, so need two more wickets in 47 overs to get the point that will take them back to the top. After that it comes down to results alone.

    1. Gaahhhh! Confound them and their wicket taking – Warwickshire go back to the top of the table.

      All down to results now then. A win for Warks brings them the title. A win for Lancs and any other result for Warks brings us the title. We should win if we can get Somerset out for under 250. Warwickshire still need 13 wickets in four sessions. 60/40 in their favour I would guess.

    2. There’s no graupel in the forecast for either Southampton or Taunton, but if you consider rain as well, then there’s none of that in the forecasts either.

      Lancs are ripping the heart out of Somerset’s second innings as we speak (25 for 3). So a Lancs win seems to be on the cards. It’s all down to those lovely, lovely people from Hampshire and their inherent batting resilience. We love you Hampshire, we do. We love you Hampshire, we do. We love you Hampshire, we do. Hampshire, we love you.

  4. Bugger. Looks like no Yorkshire at the Oval next year either . The perfect storm is getting perfecter.

  5. lies, bias, subjectivity and partisanship.

    Just you wait.

    We are the bears, we are the bears, we are, we are, we are the bears.

    1. We love you Hants
      The Bears are pants
      25 more runs to avoid the follow-on
      So that glory we Lancastrians can wallow-on (*)

      (*) Strictly – “in” – but this is no time for accuracy.

  6. All down to whether or not Warwickshire make Hants follow on. Two wickets to get with 21 runs remaining in that regard.

  7. Feel for Dawson. Bloke carries his bat and now he’s got to open again.

    Unless he ran out Briggs. Then he’s just messed it up.

  8. It’s all looking a bit bleak now. Warwickshire just need another seven wickets to take the title. However, in better news, the prospects of the game at Southampton being abandoned due to an alien spacecraft landing on the wicket remain unchanged.

  9. ‘Gainst Bears and beasts defiantly
    Bold Lancashire maintains the chase
    Shall theirs to taste sweet glory be?
    Or to languish here in second place…

    Erm, we’ll have to wait and see I suppose.

  10. I know you have enjoyed two weeks of excitement, but get real.

    Face it fellas.

    Lancashire simply doesn’t do winning the County Championship.

    Lancashire always finds ways of just missing out on winning the County Championship.

    That’s what Lancashire does best.

  11. As someone from outside England I read your post and thought I would look at the county championship on Cricinfo. But Cricinfo crashed when I tried to open it. Obviously from huge traffic from people who want to know about the county championship.

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