An open letter to King Cricket

Dear Sirs,

We the undersigned wish to register our not inconsiderable lack of a suitable absence of displeasure with the current state of article writing on your website. In particular, certain facts that are facts go repeatedly unmentioned in some articles, certainly nowhere near enough as they shouldn’t be, viz:

  • Lancashire are the current County Champions
  • England are the world T20 Champions
  • England is world #1 Test Nation
  • Lancashire are the current County Champions

When what future historians will undoubtedly refer to as the Annus Mirabilis (lit. up yours Aussies) happened, there was much talk of joyous celebrations lasting for decades. But honestly, it must have been weeks since any of the articles here mentioned that Lancashire are the current County Champions.

To be fair, it isn’t just you. We’ve had to write to Nigella about her latest Christmas cookery book, which is notable only for a complete lack of throdkin recipes, and the impact of being top Test nation is very sadly lacking from almost all economic forecasts for the UK.

Moreover, the latest edition of that definitive work on the visual representation of data, “Venn Will I See You Again” by Professors Heinz Wolff and Lesley Judd, doesn’t contain a single reference to the newly developed subject of Hubristic Graphing. It’s a sodding disgrace.

The internationally accepted minimum is two mentions of Lancashire per week plus six mentions of England per day. It is permissible to substitute a mention of Australia’s current Test ranking for one of the England ones. Please correct this or else.

Sir Glen Chapple
Sheikh Bert the Merciless, KBE, Astronomer Royal, Legion D’Honeur
Saint James of Anderson
Lord Moores of Macclesfield
David Bumble Lloyd, STC

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8 Appeals

  1. Heinz Wolff gets a pass for The Great Egg Race.

  2. It is charitable of your red-rose tatooed court flunkies not to mention Yorkshire’s relegation.

  3. Anyway, in other news, that Rahul’s a bit of a legend isn’t he?

  4. My search for throdkin in London continues as unabated as it is unsuccessful.

    Surely, KC, you can at least persuade the catering contractors at Lord’s to offer throdkin next season.

    Imagine the profits to be made by serving tiny portions of throdkin at £6.50 a serving.

    • According to Wikipeadia-so-it-must-be-true there are two regional variation. One of oats, lard and bacon “cut tart-style” (lovely turn of phrase there) and the other a “sweet current cake from Blackpool”. Sounds like there is some heresy going on somewhere. does the court have an Witchfinder General as well as an astrologer.

    • A well-known pedant

      December 16, 2011 at 2:56 pm

      The “sweet current cake from Blackpool” should give you a warm glow.

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