Who would they be?
And before you ask, yes of course Fantasy Tuesday Night in the Pub is a thing. It’s like ‘who would you invite to your dream dinner party?’ – only why do we have to have a dinner party? Why can’t we just go to the pub and have three pints before reluctantly agreeing to have a fourth even though we’ve got work tomorrow, then thinking ‘sod it’ and ordering a ridiculously strong Belgian beer?
Our first attempt at picking three has given us Ian Ward, Paul Collingwood and Carl Hooper. This could change.
And no, Rob Key isn’t there. It would be too much. We wouldn’t be able to relax.
But these three – they’re relaxed, genial and most importantly of all, they laugh relatively easily. That’s always a sign of a good person. We’d quite like to have Neil Manthorp there, but he’s a cricket person, not a cricketer, so we appear to have made him ineligible. This is a shame, because he appears to be a man who shares our primary interests of beer and reduced price sandwiches.
Just to let you know that the answers to the Ashes 2013/14 crossword are now available. The link’s at the bottom of the page and there are explanations as well so that you can see how you’re stupid as well as how stupid you are. If you think that’s insulting, bear in mind that we had to read the entire thing.
This second paragraph was going to be about something else we’d been meaning to say for a while but hadn’t got round to saying – possibly something to do with the website, its ‘direction’ or what you might expect to see in coming days and weeks. As it turns out, we have nothing to share about the website beyond the fact that the crossword answers are available and we’ve covered that above, so…
We were waiting for an England win before we published this, or something like that. It absolutely isn’t that we totally forgot about it. Answers will appear
when we’re reminded in a day or so.
Life has lost its lustre. Things that were once shiny and bright are now dull and decayed. The sun is up, the sky is blue, there’s not a cloud to spoil the view, but it’s raining, raining in our hearts. Actually, the sun isn’t up, the sky is solid grey and it’s raining, raining on my head, but that’s not the point. The point is that things are pretty bleak for English cricket fans right now.
So how do we respond to this disaster? By whining and moping? By crying and moaning? By small-mindedly picking holes in the fabric of Australian cricket? Well yes of course, that all goes without saying. But also by LAUGHING in the face of adversity, by CHORTLING in the gaze of ill fortune, by STIFLING A SMIRK in the general vicinity of disappointment.
In short, by DOING AN ASHES 2013/14 CROSSWORD!
For you, for your catharsis, I have searched the darkest corners of my soul to bring you this crossword. There and the “Dreadful” entry on an online thesaurus. I must warn you, this crossword will chill you to the core, it will open old wounds and force you to confront the demons you hoped were buried forever. It will not be pleasant, unless you happen to be an Australian. In which case, happy days. You can sit on your porch in the deadly heat with a can of lager deliberately chilled to the point of tastelessness, desperately trying to jam some of the 97 words your university education has given you into the grid.
The answers and explanations are available here.
We wrote this title in the hope that we’d have some really funny thoughts to share once we started staring at the great expanse of whiteness where the body of the article’s supposed to go.
Nothing happened, so we checked Twitter and apparently Graeme Smith’s going to retire. Let this be a lesson to everyone that sometimes all you have to do is make a half-hearted effort to do something, allow yourself to become distracted, and then everything will just sort of work itself out.
In his retirement statement, Graeme Smith confessed to having left everything out on the field over the course of his career. ‘Everything’ by definition includes poo. We don’t know why he would have done that, but he’s admitted to it now.
There’s an outside chance this isn’t the most mature, insightful retirement article we’ve ever written.
We wish they’d warned us. We hate change. We have to prepare for it properly. We needed at least eight weeks’ notice to come to terms with something like this.
Look at it!
The main bit’s slightly off to the left!
We’re used to the main bit being in the middle. Now our eyes are in slightly the wrong place when the page loads and we have to move them. THIS WASTES TIME.
Plus there’s extra information. Why does everyone always assume you want extra information these days? We don’t want to see big facts or tweets from well-known cricketers. We want to see cricketers’ names with numbers next to them. That’s what we like: cricketers’ names and numbers. That’s what cricket’s all about.
This is almost as bad as when they started putting videos that automatically play at the top of just about every single article. Videos are not the future. Videos take ages because you can’t scan them in four seconds, ignoring all the boring bits. Plus, if you open 14 articles in different tabs, you have to play ‘hunt the video’ when you should be scanning/ignoring the first article.