Tim Bresnan’s 2007 season saw 34 wickets at an average of 32, accompanied by two hundreds and a batting average of 39. His understated 2008 season saw 45 wickets at 28 and 506 runs at 33.
It’s solid stuff. He’s an asset to Yorkshire, but he’s not at the stage where you can just say his surname when he’s about to bat or bowl and convey a whole range of hopes and expectation through doing so.
If you said ‘Bresnan’ to someone, what would they think? Would they rush to the nearest TV in expectation of cricketing fireworks, or would they look at you quizzically anticipating elaboration. Maybe if you happen to have addressed someone whose surname is Bresnan, they’ll say ‘yes?’, but more likely you’ll need to add a few words.
In the unlikely event that you do know a Bresnan and felt moved to address them regarding Tim Bresnan and what he might imminently achieve on a cricket field, you’d probably anticipate this confusion and allow for it, so again you’d need additional words.
If you were discussing the merits of Yorkshire cricketers, you could easily find yourself in a situation where you could respond to a question using the single word ‘Bresnan’ and it would be understood, but the context’s already been created there, so that doesn’t count.
Tim Bresnan should aim to make the use of the word ‘Bresnan’ create context and meaning on its own, possibly when allied to an urgent looking facial expression. If we walk into the bar at a county ground during a match and say ‘Bresnan’ to everyone in there, we’d like to see everyone clear out to go and see what’s going on.
Review of today’s update: Rambling and largely pointless. 2/10.3 Appeals
Ian Bell’s given a monumentally unenlightening interview to the BBC.
Summary: ‘I want to play for England’.
Towards the end, he says:
“I’ve got to make sure that I’m undroppable over the second part of my England career.”
You’re undroppable now, Ian. It’s just you’re undroppable in the same way as Leicestershire’s Josh Cobb or Gloucestershire’s Rob Woodman. You’re as undroppable as we are, Ian.
No-one can say that we’re in even the slightest danger of getting dropped from the England team for poor performance, lax fitness or a bad attitude.
We aren’t even going to get dropped for making all our team mates feel morbid as a result of our forceful and unrelenting negativity.4 Appeals
D Charlton once again tries to find out the score:
As I was heading north, I realised that it was the Women’s World Cup final between England and New Zealand. I had just got into the Arctic Circle, in the village of Jukkasjärvi in Sweden and wanted to know the score.
So I thought a hotel would be a good place to find basic information. I went up to this hotel made of ice and knocked.
No one answered. In fact I couldn’t even find a door. It just seemed to be ice rooms with not an internet connection, television or kettle within.
So I continued heading north.
I then came across an Arctic cat and asked him the score. Cats are very wise, especially in the Arctic.
It may be because he spoke Swedish and not English, or most likely because he clearly wasn’t that bothered, but he didn’t help either way. He just continued looking at the ice.
So I continued heading north.
Email your match reports to email@example.com and remember – strictly no cricket.11 Appeals
At the moment we can merely smell Rob Key being part of England, but soon – oh so soon – we’ll actually get to taste it. It’ll taste like hand-pulled elixir of life and we’ll quaff it like there’s no tomorrow.
This is ironic, because the elixir of life kind of devalues the concept of ‘tomorrow’. With eternal life, you can pace yourself; there’s no need to live each day to the full. We’ve got to get us some elixir of life, even if it’s just bottle-conditioned.
Rob Key is in the 25-man England Performance Squad. The Performance Squad is a kind of thumbs-up system the England selectors use for letting players know that they think they’re good.
The mainstream media have gone with the James Foster and Sajid Mahmood angle, which is an unsatisfactorily obtuse angle. The national media are as crap at reporting on 25-man England Performance Squads as they are at reporting on provisional 30-man England Twenty20 squads.
If any of the national newspapers want a specialist to help them cover big, unwieldy, largely meaningless England cricket squads, we’re open to offers.16 Appeals
Adil Rashid, eh? Bet you’re blown away by our depth of cricketing knowledge and originality.
It’s three years since we first tipped Adil Rashid and it’s the third year he’s been one to watch. It’s probably about time things started happening.
By ‘things,’ we of course mean England recognition. Spectral badger visitation is a ‘thing’ as well, but no-one wants that to happen. Venereal disease is a ‘thing’, although we’re not sure that just happens.
The thinking on Adil Rashid runs one of two ways. (1) He’s not ready yet or (2) he’s some kind of warlock leggie who’ll bend the world to his will.
We tend to fall somewhere in the middle. We don’t want England to wait forever to pick him, but any notion that he’s some sort of magic jigsaw piece in the England puzzle is pure wishful thinking.
That England jigsaw depicts a maudlin-looking man attempting to unblock a drain with his bare hands. No single jigsaw piece can make that image change into a snarling leopard’s face. At best the maudlin-looking man will end up with congealed soap on his hands, not shit.10 Appeals
To be honest, we haven’t got much to add to what we said about Steven Davies last year. At least this year he’ll be in Division One.
This is the problem with news of earth-shattering importance – it makes writing about Worcestershire wicketkeepers less appealing.
Imagine you work in the accounts department for a trampoline manufacturer. One day there’s a trampoline testing crisis and you’re whisked out of the office as an emergency stand-in for the normal test guy who’s been apprehended by the police after not returning an item to the bagging area when using the automatic cashier system at Tesco.
After a day of fun-packed trampoline testing, the man returns to work and you’re sent back to the accounts department. Suddenly your spreadsheets seem grey and sterile. No matter how much conditional formatting you use, you can’t recreate the breathless elation of just jumping up and down for a living.
That’s how we feel writing about Steve Davies right now.5 Appeals
He is, he is, he is, he is, he is, he is, he is.
Rob Key is in England’s provisional 30-man squad for the World Twenty20 tournament, which, considering Andrew Strauss’s absence, puts him in prime position to take up his rightful place as captain/king of England.
Most media outlets have taken the Strauss angle. Once again the mainstream media are wide of the mark when reporting on a provisional 30-man England squad. Provisional 30-man England squad reportage is not what it was.
Admittedly, once again, we’re getting far too carried away. We’ve been burned before. But Rob Key is a man who can hit boundaries by just miming a forward defensive shot using the back of his hand and making that bat-on-ball cluck sound. He deserves a place in this squad.
Only one question remains: do we release the Rob Key post of unmatched and iridescent brilliance when he’s confirmed in the final 15-man squad, do we wait until he’s named captain or do we wait until he gets back in the Test team?
It’s too brilliant to save, but it’s also too brilliant to waste on any day other than the BEST DAY EVER.6 Appeals
We’re a bit worried about Andrew Flintoff. Not: ‘Oh my God, there’s a badger in the back seat of the car AND HE’S LOOKING RIGHT AT ME’ worried, but worried nonetheless.
When he was taking his wickets against the West Indies on Friday, he did some posing. We’re not massively happy about this. Andrew Flintoff is a full-on hero because he’s always seemed like one of us, but normal people don’t do arrogant posing.
If you didn’t see these poses, the first involved turning sideways and holding his arms out in a ‘love me’ sort of posture. That was one he’s done before. The second was near indescribable. Imagine an outraged camp duck.
It was all a bit Robbie Williams for our taste. Maybe it was tongue in cheek, but this posturing suffers in comparison to the genuine, heartfelt elation of Fred’s old wicket celebrations.
He’s a millionaire these days. We haven’t lost him, have we?16 Appeals
One-day hat tricks tend to be fun rather than jaw dropping, but it’s still very good to see Andrew Flintoff taking wickets.
For all Flintoff’s good bowling, wickets are too rare and there needs to be more of this. We made two rather obvious conclusions after the big man dismissed Ramdin, Rampaul and Benn last night.
- Andrew Flintoff should bowl at the bloody stumps a bit more often – in all forms of the game.
- For all that shorter balls and even length balls have their place, they often just set the scene and it’s the full ball that gets the wicket. Steve Harmison, take note.
England might not be the best 50 over side and they might not be the best Twenty20 side, but take them on at Fifty46.2, Fifty20 or Twenty-nine29 at your peril.
They’re producing stunning performances in some of the newer formats.
This evidence is scant enough to draw far reaching conclusions about the upcoming Ashes series that England surely cannot now lose.12 Appeals