Brilliant, Fred. It’s a cricket ball. We’ve all seen a cricket ball before.
What’s next in your box of tricks? A bat? A box?8 Appeals
Here’s Ravi Bopara trying to do some tiling.
Ravi! Stop! Everyone knows that you’re supposed to apply the adhesive to the wall and not to the tile.
Now here’s Charlotte Edwards putting up the exact same tile.
Q: How many cricketers does it take to put up one tile?
A: Two, but don’t count on it being flush with adjacent tiles because they’ll apply the adhesive to the tile and not the wall.14 Appeals
Lemon Bella writes, or rather ‘wrote’. Sorry for the delay. The disorganisation that led to this match report’s delayed appearance is totally, totally uncharacteristic. Totally.
TOTALLY… Anyway, Lemon Bella writes:
Indian Skimmer and I went to the Kent v New Zealand match.
On the first day there was quite a lot of actual cricket and we watched it. Although, when Justin Kemp walked past in a pair of shorts we watched that for a while. We hope the ECB let Justin Kemp stay. Even if they say he can’t, we hope Kent still employ him to occasionally walk past us in a pair of shorts.
At breakfast on the second day our B&B man told us that Michael Vaughan’s time was up. We know better than to dismiss his statements now, so we’re expecting Michael Vaughan to be ousted any time soon.
It rained so hard on our walk in to Canterbury that we turned around and went to the zoo instead of the cricket. We saw a lot of bored animals lying around and scratching themselves. This is exactly what we would have seen at the cricket, so we felt justified in our decision.
In the afternoon there was some sun, so we drove to the cricket ground. They wanted to charge us £10 for parking at the ground despite there being only half a day left. This made us ANGRY so we parked at the bottom of the hill (£2.70) and walked up instead. We told a man about this and he was ANGRY about it too. We don’t know who he is, but he always seems to know what’s going on so we think he may be employed by KCCC in some capacity. We hope it’s something to do with car park pricing policies.
On the final day, we stopped for coffee on the way to the ground. There were New Zealand coaching staff in Café Nero and one of them knocked our coat on the floor. We waited around to see if Brendon McCullum would appear and order a low fat hazelnut latté with extra foam, but he didn’t.
Play was called off once ducks settled on the outfield, so we drove home and watched Stargate: Ark of Truth on DVD and ate chocolate brownies.18 Appeals
“What did you say, you little bastard?”
KP suffered a dislocated little finger and severe bruising to his fist shortly after this picture was taken.4 Appeals
This is how you write a match report: a week early.
England put on a staggering/staggeringly inept performance against New Zealand yesterday, after a topsy-turvy/one-sided contest in which English cricket/New Zealand cricket/cricket/the weather was the only winner.
James Anderson opened the bowling and delivered a virtuoso performance/a never-ending supply of juicy half-volleys.
England’s top order once again failed woefully/scored far too slowly.
Brendon McCullum hit five sixes before holing out/two sixes before holing out/a six before holing out.
Dimitri Mascarenhas hit four sixes/Jacob Oram with a brutish lifter/the dressing room wall in frustration/Ian Bell in frustration.
Paul Collingwood said after the match: “We’re a developing side and I’m confident we’re still moving forward. Some players are still settling into their roles and when that happens I’m sure we’ll be a difficult team to beat.”
Weird that there’s no options for that last one.2 Appeals
Is this the same West Indies side we watched letting balls through their legs at Old Trafford last year? With the honourable exception of Sir Shiv of Guyana they were a shower and were soundly beaten in the series by a rather flattered England side.
Australia seem to have had a few hiccups against them though. They were bowled out for 167 during the first Test, drew the second and are now 226-7 in the third. This isn’t very intimidating.
Australia will land in England this time next year. Come on everybody, there are only 365 days in which to pretend that things might turn out all right after all before reality ruins everything. Let’s make the most of this short halcyon period.6 Appeals
Unlike players in some other sports, cricketers quite often talk sense. They’re even capable of being interesting. That said, there have been some pretty ordinary thoughts expressed about this whole Stanford Twenty20 thing and about the IPL as well.
Monty Panesar’s a bright guy, but his comments are fairly typical: “Test cricket has always been the ultimate dream for every cricketer – that’s still going to be the number one.”
This is the kind of mindless blanditude most players have come out with when asked about the impact of Twenty20 on Test cricket. Is that really the case Monty? Why? Why should that situation persist just because it always has done?
Paul Collingwood yesterday offered a more considered opinion: “Twenty20′s blowing everything out of the water, but we must decide what we want in the future. The big picture is if Test cricket is going downhill because of it. We’ve got to keep Tests in the forefront.”
This is a man who’s in danger of being dropped from the Test team, but who as one-day captain is virtually guaranteed his Twenty20 place. It would be quite easy for him to spout the ‘great for cricket’ line, but no – this is a man who loves cricket and is worried about its future.
He goes on to say: “When I was a kid, all I thought about was playing in the World Cup or winning the Ashes. We don’t want kids growing up just dreaming about winning Stanford matches to earn some money or playing in the Indian Premier League. That dream is a massive thing for kids.”
He then finishes off by acknowledging that players might be economical with the truth about their level of fitness when there’s such money at stake.
We like Paul Collingwood. Paul Collingwood lives in the real world.12 Appeals
We’re going to the Twenty20 match on Friday, then we’re away for a week. As usual we’ve written stuff in advance, so you probably won’t notice or care that we’re gone.
(1) When we say we’re not going to be here – we’re not going to be here. If something monumental happens, it won’t be covered. There are no prizes for saying: ‘Hey, how come you haven’t written about Rob Key’s triple hundred/Mark Ramprakash’s hundredth hundred/Andrew Symonds’ sex change’.
(2) There’ll be no-one moderating comments. If you comment for the first time, it’ll be a week before it shows up.
However, if you’ve commented before, your comment appears straight away. With that in mind, maybe you should comment now. You know, just in case. We’ll moderate the comments this evening, give you the green light and then you can all enjoy yourselves while we’re away.
Presumably you’ve got nothing to say at this minute, so we’ve a commenting task for you. Name the county you support, only give them a better nickname than the crappy official one.
As you can see, we support Lancashire Lemurs or Lancashire Legomen. We like ‘Lancashire Lancastrians’ in a perverse sort of way too, but we suspect you’re ever-so-slightly less in thrall to really blunt stupidity, so we’ll play that one down.
See. See how we played it down.28 Appeals
Thanks to Sir Allen Stanford, England will play a West Indies XI for a £10 million prize every year for the next five years. Each player on the winning team will get £500,000. Wish we had the job of picking the England side.
“You’ll get half a million quid. You’ll get half a million quid. You? You won’t get half a million quid. Why? Well it was a close-run thing, but I think Player A’s in slightly better form. Okay? Any problems?”
Player A will get a duck.
Of course it won’t really be a problem for the team, because they’re all mature adults. You know how mature everyone is when it comes to money. No-one ever gets bent out of shape over money. Particularly not HUGE amounts of money.
No problem at all.12 Appeals