Month: July 2016 (page 1 of 3)

Kusal Mendis doesn’t think they’re gonna need a bigger boat

Once upon a time, a colleague of ours, who we’ll call Gill (because that’s her name), asked another colleague, who we’ll call Stefan (because that’s his name), for help with her computer.

We can’t remember the specific issue. It was just one of those generic computer problems that crops up from time to time in offices throughout the world. Stefan was best-qualified to offer some sort of solution and he was basically sitting next to her.

“Stefan, I can’t…” began Gill – finishing that sentence with a few pertinent details.

Stefan ignored her.

After a few seconds of persevering alone, Gill tried again. “Stefan, how do I…?”

Again, Stefan ignored her.

There were maybe ten people in the room and we all watched in silence as Gill repeatedly pleaded with Stefan for help. Every single time, he blanked her. Gill’s frustration built, as did the tension in the room.

Gill was somewhat combustible anyway, but this was especially annoying. After a few minutes of being blatantly ignored, she exploded. She stood and shrieked at him about what an arsehole he was and then fled from the room.

After a moment, another girl followed her. When she returned, she revealed that Gill was in the toilets crying.

We all sat in silence, stony-faced.

After a few minutes of this, Stefan looked up from his computer, glanced to his right, and then asked: “Where’s Gill?”

It is quite extraordinary to maintain that level of obliviousness to what is going on around you, but Sri Lanka’s Kusal Mendis would appear to be a man cut from similar cloth.

The first Test between Sri Lanka and Australia saw 44 individual innings and of those, just two exceeded 50. This was not an easy pitch to bat on. This was a hard pitch to bat on; a treacherous pitch even. If a batsman had any regard whatsoever for what was happening around him, he would have been spooked. He would have been justifiably spooked.

In that context, Steven Smith’s 55 was a tour de force.

Kusal Mendis made 176.

One can only conclude that Kusal Mendis simply didn’t notice the danger.

All in all, it wasn’t a great match for Australia, but they did at least set a world record: 25.4 overs without a single run scored.

Well batted, chaps.

Mop-up of the day – syllables, spin, short-pitched bowling and size

First to Kandy, where the five minutes when it was both dry and bright enough to play cricket saw Sri Lanka set Australia 268 to win.

David Warner’s recently-discovered inability to make runs outside Australia persisted as he was bowled for one, and the tourists also lost Joe Burns and Usman Khawaja before Steve Smith whinged about how dark it was and they went off.

Burns was dismissed by what must surely qualify as ‘a ripper‘ from Lakshan Sandakan whose debut brings not just smashing wrist spin but also a great many initials. Paththamperuma Arachchige Don Lakshan Rangika Sandakan matches even Chaminda Vaas for number of names, but alas he must bow to the eternal master when it comes to syllables. Don’t mess with the big boys.

Speaking of which…

Marlon Samuels has been saying things. It’s always worth listening to Marlon, because he’s hilarious.

The West Indies lost the first Test against India by an innings and Marlon refuses to say that it’s because they have a young team.

“For me to say that is like finding excuses for the team. It’s a Test team, and Test cricket is big-man cricket, and the players should know that by now.”

Big-man cricket.

Neil Wagner took six wickets

New Zealand are currently 235-2 against Zimbabwe which we take as proof that it is not just difficult to take wickets on this pitch, but near-enough impossible.

Laughing uproariously in the face of near-enough impossibility, The Great Neil Wagner took 6-41.  Four of his wickets came off moderate-paced short balls.

Neil Wagner is the most effective moderate-paced short-pitched bowler in the world. This also makes him the most miraculous bowler in the world.

You need a miracle – you call for Neil Wagner.

Kusal Mendis has played an innings

We haven’t seen any of this Sri Lanka v Australia Test. It’s on Eurosport 2 which stopped working a couple of months ago. The prospect of speaking to BT to try and get the channel working again led us to conclude that it is best left unfixed.

We have apparently missed a remarkable innings from Kusal Mendis.

In 1877, Charles Bannerman made 165 out of 245 for Australia against England in Test match number one. At 67.3 per cent, that remains the highest proportion of runs made by one player in a completed innings. Bannerman did however have the advantage of being an opening batsman.

At the age of 21, with just one Test fifty to his name before this match, Kusal Mendis swanned in at number four and made a hundred. When he reached three figures (with a six) his team’s score was just 134. Being as Sri Lanka were bowled out for 117 in their first innings, he had therefore made not just a ridiculous proportion of the runs in their second innings, but getting on for half of their runs across both innings.

Australia made 203 in their first innings. Batting has not been easy. Mendis was in fact the first to reach 50 in the match. At the time of writing, they’ve gone off for bad light but when they return he’ll resume on 169 out of a total of 282-6.

Kusal Mendis has played an innings.

England v Australia at Old Trafford match report

We went to the fifth one-day international between England and Australia. Cricket-wise, it was your quintessential damp squib, even if the weather was a beautifully sunny, warm, dry squib.

The paper wallet in which the tickets arrived promised music, action and cricket, in that order.


We assumed this was a reference to Old Trafford also hosting live music events, but as it turned out it was a fairly accurate description of the entertainment on offer on the day.

We saw David Gower striding across the outfield before the match. He’s been looking older on TV, but we were struck by how lithe and spry he remains. Nasser Hussain’s hurried gait was also on display but we didn’t have any strong feelings about this. Tom Moody was there too. We didn’t see him walk much, but we can confirm that he is massive.


Fortunately for the purposes of this match report, we didn’t really see much cricket because for about half the match, Mitch Marsh was standing in the way. Here’s one moment when he was slightly less of a visual impediment.


We passed the day having a ‘pie-off’. Various offerings from Stockport’s Lord of the Pies were pitted against the classic meat and potato from Treacle Town Pie Company in Macclesfield.

This competition was not without controversy. It transpired that the pies from Lord of the Pies had been warmed, whereas the Treacle Town pies were cold. Allegations of ‘pie doping’ were bandied about but eventually we decided to just eat the pies and try and factor the relative warmths into our ratings.

The general consensus was that Lord of the Pies offered greater pie diversity, but the standard Treacle Town meat and potato would have been the finest pie, had it been warm.

We wish we had photos of some or all of the pies to share with you, but we didn’t want to encourage the people we were with. At one point two of them – let’s call them Dave and Alex (because those are their names) – were looking at photographs of pies from a previous pie-off, discussing which pie they had eaten at what time of day and which had been the finest. As they were doing this, they were eating pies.

Between innings, there was a competition where six people got to bowl at a washing machine. If they landed the ball inside the drum, they won a washing machine. No-one managed it. While this was going on, one of the Kwik Cricketers took a blinding catch, palming a full-blooded pull shot straight up into the air before pouching the ball as it came back down.

The match finished early and we went and got the tram. At the end of our journey, we discovered that we were due to have pie for tea. After lodging a formal complaint about this, we drank some wine and fell asleep.

Send your match reports to If it’s a professional match, on no account mention the cricket itself. If it’s an amateur match, feel free to go into excruciating detail.

Should England persist with Moeen Ali?

Cricket - Investec Test series - England v India - Ageas Bowl Cricket Ground, Southampton, England

Photo by Sarah Ansell

It’s not how, it’s how many. That’s what they say of run-scoring. Does the same apply to wicket-taking?

Moeen Ali is actually England’s second-highest wicket-taker in this Pakistan series. He has taken seven wickets at 32.28, which is eminently respectable. He has also conceded near enough five runs an over, which is not.

But does it matter? To succeed in Test cricket, you must find a way of conquering whatever is thrown at you. At the moment, Pakistan’s batsmen are choosing to throw the kitchen sink at Moeen and thus far he has found a way to deflect it. No mean feat. Kitchen sinks are heavy.

If a certain proportion of Moeen’s wickets are essentially ‘caught slogging’ then that is simply a reflection of how Pakistan are approaching their batting. If the tourists refuse to milk him and are instead hell-bent on exsanguinating him, all he can really do is operate within that scenario – something he seems to be doing effectively.

Thus far, Moeen has been able to afford conceding a few sixes for each wicket. The percentages would therefore appear to be in his favour.

So are Moeen’s returns acceptable, or do England fans believe that he’s soon going to experience something akin to a Bryce McGain debut?

Out with Shan Masood, in with a pair of deep sea diving boots

After an hour of zesty nonsense this morning, the cricket restarted.

Shan Masood continued his marvellous record of being dismissed by Jimmy Anderson for pretty much no runs. Pakistan can be fairly confident that Jimmy will play the next Test and they can be fairly confident that he will open the bowling. If Masood opens the batting, they can therefore also be fairly confident that he will again be dismissed for pretty much no runs. They might want to change something there.

Younus Khan continues to bat like a man wearing unexpectedly lightweight shoes. If a pair of deep sea diving boots can be procured and his legs to some degree tethered to terra firma through wearing them, he will perhaps be back to his best.

Ben Stokes got injured. His quest to become the next Chris Woakes has again been derailed.

Moeen Ali took some wickets. Not sure where that leaves us.

Pretty solid win though. Essentially an innings victory briefly interrupted by a 30-over cricket-themed interlude.

Batsmen don’t win Test matches

A few weeks ago, we spent a good long while discussing what time we should leave the County Ground in Bristol when we already knew the match was over. We stick around at the end of cricket matches. We certainly don’t leave early.

Today, England made the decision to bat again when most people didn’t think they needed to. A lot of people get very angry about this sort of thing. We don’t. But we do find it a bit boring.

When England came out for their second innings today, there was no saying that a single one of their runs would count towards the outcome of the game. There are arguments for taking some time to rest the fast bowlers and that sort of thing, but the runs themselves may well prove of no significance if Pakistan are later bowled out for less than 391.

Batsmen don’t win Test matches. Batsmen don’t move the game forwards. They are really just necessary impediments who slow the game down. These circumstances – England batting a second time despite an already gigantic lead – really brought these points home.

Whatever the merits of the decision from a ‘winning the match’ point of view, we were at Old Trafford today and for the first time in our life we went home before the end of play. It wasn’t just the may-or-may-not-be-of-consequence nature of the cricket – although that certainly contributed – it was also the atmosphere.

New Fun England, or however they’re branding themselves these days, left an awful lot of people in the ground having not very much fun at all and when you’re surrounded by people who are quite pissed off and can’t really see much point in what they’re watching, it’s hard to stay positive.

It was a good morning though. There were wickets.

England hit upon innovative new strategy – hundreds from Cook and Root



Someone came to Old Trafford dressed as the Cookie Monster today. Perhaps it was a reference to the hundred-scoring monster that is Alastair Cook. Or maybe all his other clothes were in the wash.

Earlier today we made a comment about how we generally feel like we’ve seen Cook’s innings before. It wasn’t meant as a criticism. The familiarity of his run-scoring is a sign that he’s good at it.

Cook has his palette of shots and he deploys them to great effect. If he scored more quickly today, the innings will still look exactly the same on the highlights.

If you’re in any doubt of his worth, why not contrast his method with that of James Vince. Here is a batsman who is just as committed to his own, distinctive strokes; a batsman who in fact seems to have narrowed them all down to just one: the edged drive to slip. Good luck building a Test career on that one.

Joe Root also scored a hundred. Also familiar. Also welcome.

Video: Mohammad Amir bowls Alex Hales

This delivery is basically what we all expected from Mohammad Amir, no?

Sometimes – like when watching an Alastair Cook innings for example – we can feel like we’ve seen it all before. There’s the cut. There’s the nurdle. There’s a leave.

Stumps being tonked by inswingers is not something we can ever imagine tiring of. Even when the team we’re supporting is on the receiving end.

A rather hasty July 21 County Championship round-up

What a headline.

Okay, let’s hustle through this unsatisfactorily before another Test match starts. In fact it occurs to us that the daily email comprising this particular post will go out at almost exactly the time the match starts. We really should plan ahead.

Never mind. The headline’s written. County Championship it is.

You could start with the table?

No. It’s too time consuming to do all the cropping and uploading and we’re in a hurry. All you really need to know is that Middlesex are still top and that they’re 13 points ahead of Durham who have a game in hand.

Where did Durham come from?

Assuming that’s not a poorly-worded geographical question, they rose after positively beating Lancashire.

Lancs have foolishly allowed The Great Neil Wagner to slip from their grasp and so frankly deserve everything they get. Keaton Jennings was at the centre of Durham’s successful fourth innings chase of 247. He is having a nice season.

Middlesex beat Somerset

James Fuller’s 93 batting at ten stands out as the defining contribution from this match.

Somerset beat Nottinghamshire

Remember when Nottinghamshire were good? They were 196-0 batting first and lost. How? A Marcus Trescothick double hundred, partly.

Surrey beat Hampshire

Remember when Surrey were rubbish? Everyone made a hundred and then one of those centurions, Gareth Batty, took a bunch of wickets.

A couple of draws

Not even going to mention which sides were involved. Can’t be bothered typing it out. All we’ll say is that they were good matches for Adams, with Wheater and Lyth both making double hundreds.

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