A five-step plan for an England World Cup win

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Since the telling contributions of Luke Wright and James Tredwell against the West Indies, it’s now apparent that we know what we’re talking about. Specifically, our bowl shallow-bat deep computer game-inspired template is clearly the way forward.

With that in mind, we thought we’d outline a five-point plan as to how England should approach the remainder of the tournament, calling on all our expertise and years of experience.

Step one: Call up Ian Austin to replace the injured Ajmal Shahzad. Yes, Austin retired from first-class cricket in 2001, but he needed a rest. He’ll be fresh now and no cricketer is better suited to our tactics.

Step two: Actually, you know what? One step is enough when it’s as spectacularly effective as this. Get 44-year-old Ian Austin into the team and everything else will just fall into place.

We’re so excited about this plan, we’re going to celebrate by wearing our tracksuit bottoms during the day.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. One way or another, KC, your last three postings have all referred to bottoms, bowels or wild shits.

    Yesterday was a squeaky-bum day bit today isn’t.

    Might I suggest breathing exercises and saying the word “ommm” repeatedly? Either that, or 45 seconds of bestial roaring.

    Then you’ll have got over it.

  2. What about Winky Watkinson?

    He could do a job.

    Actually while we’re at it we might as well call up Digger Martin, Harvey Fairbrother and the whole mid-90s Lancashire crew.

    Except for Graham Lloyd.

  3. I’ve tried doing that. More interesting than the paper I’m supposed to be writing this afternoon.

    I wonder whether it works?

  4. Poor Ian Austin. He never gets the recognition he deserves – he doesn’t even feature on The Fat Cricketer’s Appreciation Societylist. Perhaps they aren’t fans of the county game? I bet he could give Leverock a run for his money these days.

    How about Steve Watkin, my personal favourite cricketer of all time? His hilariously inept 1 handed batting in a test match convinced me that I may have a career as a test cricketer despite being scared of the ball, if only my ears would have a growth spurt.

  5. In the fine tradition of journalism the world over, I am swapping my ridiculously recent gravitar for one which has a few more years behind it.

    You’ll just have to believe me that flared trousers were most probably involved lower down the picture.

  6. Graham Lloyd is still pounding out the runs for Accrington. Give him a go. Admittedly he isn’t from South Africa.

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