Car Colston v Thurgaton match report

Jo Fitz writes:

Here’s the match report as seen from the perspective of an umpire.

Car Colston is a village just east of Nottingham that centres on its cricket pitch. Pavilion on one side, pub on the other. The pitch has the “Big House” end and the “cow” end. A big field full of cows. Not just a cow corner, a whole field. And the cows also wander around the village.

This afternoon they were as conspicuously indifferent to the cricket as they usually are. The only thing that seems to excite the cows is the sound of bagpipes. We know this from when the pub had a vintage car rally a few weeks ago. Midway through the first innings, the bagpipes started. The cows become animated and mooed along. Unfortunately this didn’t stop the piper.

If I had had a camera, and I hadn’t been umpiring at the cow end, I would have taken a photo to show how indifferent the cows were. They had wandered off by the end of the match.

The swallows were conspicuously indifferent to both the cricket and their own personal safety as they swooped across the square. A labrador sat with its back to the field of play for the whole of the second innings.

There were times when the scorers were conspicuously indifferent to my signals.

No-one was indifferent to the tea that Mary provided with lots of home made cakes. The chocolate cake went first, followed by a large Victoria sponge and a ginger loaf.

The weather was kind to us and we all went to the pub afterwards.

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6 Appeals

  1. Brilliant report, not a mention of the cricket, and indifferent animals everywhere.

    Top work Jo Fitz.

  2. Excellent – now THAT’S journalism, Lawrence Donegan.

  3. That’s possibly the best match report I’ve ever read.

  4. Was Lawrence Donegan the one who sang My Old Man’s a Dustman?

  5. Loved the report Jo Fitz – bagpipe-affected cows are too infrequent in journalism these days.

  6. You chaps are all so kind.
    If you put Car Colston into Google maps, you will see that Google reckons that the centre of the village (naturally) is the cricket pitch.
    The pavillion is to the west of the pitch, the pub to the east. Both are shown to great advantage in the Google photos of the area.
    The cows, distressed by a lack of cricket, have taken themselves off to the right of the map (third small green across from the cricket pitch) where they are loitering indifferently under a tree. If you zoom right in you can feel the force of their indifference.

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