The Ashes starts at midnight and Bert has a problem.
He’s got work, so can’t stay up and he dreads being confronted with an end of play scorecard in the morning.
He describes how you are introduced to disaster gradually while watching live.
“By the time 113 arrives, eight down, your confidence and joie de vivre has gone, but it has been removed slowly and gently over a couple of hours.
“It’s like having your kidney stolen by an illegal organ trading ring, but having it done by a skilled and dedicated surgeon while Susannah Hoffs out of the Bangles gently massages your forehead.
“Waking up to 113 for 8 is like having your kidney removed by Jimmy Nail with a spoon.”
He says you get ‘horrible insinuations of catastrophe’ from turning on the radio and catching the middle of something. He describes Cricinfo’s headline writers as ‘sadistic’.
How should Bert safely get the score in the morning?